A Very Long Engagement
by Noeme
Summary: When Carla Donovan's true love Liam tells her they cannot be together, she is forced into a situation where she must accept the pressure of a marriage proposal from another suitor named Antony Gordon. However her acceptance does not mean she had given up hope on a future with Liam. She hopes that by some miracle her engagement to Antony can be prolonged *Story is set in the 1920's*
1. Chapter 1

**A Very Long Engagement**

**This is another Liarla fic I have been thinking about writing for sometime so I decided to just start writing it. It is also in the 1920's like my other fic "Paradise Palace"**

She had said she would wait for him. That she understood he needed time to get over the death of his brother. She had promised her undying love and devotion to him forever. But before her were the words she had so long dreaded and never wanted to believe he could write. But she had know deep down that they were coming, but seeing them in ink scorched through her heart burning her to bits and pieces. She would not heal for all time.

_Carla,_

_All we were is dead. I'm dead. You must marry another._

_Liam_

She can't even bare to look at it anymore. She must have read over a billion times and now the ink runs down the rudiments of the letter drenched in her tears. She places against her chest glancing at her dresser mirror and looking up at the helpless and broken creature staring back at her. It sickened her the way her eyes were puffy and that she looked an absolute mess. Her mother would surely stumble upon her soon demanding she reply to the other letter. Carla didn't even want to think about the other letter. She still couldn't wrap her head around Liam and fact that she still completely in love with him much less gather herself to give Tony Gordon the acceptance of his proposal with permission to speak to her father.

Carla wanted to know his reasons. How long did he know he couldn't be with her? How long did Liam know that he could never give her his heart completely? She knew he was fighting some demons, that he struggling to make sense of this world since his brother Paul's death, but she wanted to help him through that. She wanted him to be okay and too able to love him. She had written him so much and in the two years since he had been gone. Liam had stopped replying months ago but she hadn't cared. When he stopped sending letters she wrote the letters more for herself because she couldn't accept that he may have very well closed the door on the possibility of them forever. But then she received a letter from him out of the blue this very morning and she knew right away that something was wrong.

She pulled the parchment from her chest reading the words again

_All we were is dead…_

What did this mean? He had promised to love her forever. Was it all just words? Did he ever love her at all? Ever had any true caring for her? Or had the night his brother Paul died taking every feeling, everything that was human from him. He had never talked about it, all that he had seen watching the life being sucked away from someone so dear to him. Is this what he was now trying to make her understand, when he wrote those words? Was he trying to get her to experience that emptiness he felt? It was pointless to ask or to wonder the exact moment the Liam she knew ceased to exist. All that matter was he had truly left and when she asked if he was coming back and he so easily turned to her and utter "yes" he had lied. Liam was never coming back and so it was useless to wait anymore.

Carla is angry and it fit of rage she crumbles up the letter throwing it to the side and grabs for a cigarette lighting it quickly. She didn't care if her father smelt the smoke from down the hall and made a fuss, she didn't care about anything anymore. Her green eyes dart over the other letter and she grabs for it with such ferocity she almost tears it to shreds.

_Carla,_

_I don't know how many more letters I can write to you or how I can express that you have utterly enchanted me since the moment we met. Perhaps you think me foolish and that my words are just words. But I swear on my life, I can make you happy. So I ask you again to be my wife and answer my letter. I want you for my own._

_Tony Gordon_

The words make her want to vomit. She does not reciprocate these feelings but her father wants her to say yes and is threatening to send her away if she disobeys him to live in a convent. It was annoying how everyone wanted to push and pull at her and tell her what to do. This morning she had made up her mind to say no to him, but with Liam's letter and the fact that he claimed to not love her anymore, well it changed things drastically. Glancing in up in the reflection of the mirror she sees her mother standing over her shoulder staring back with those same green eyes, although they are void of any true emotion or caring towards Carla. She is unaffected by her daughters puffy eyes and tears. How long had she been standing there?

"Now you know your father does not like for you to smoke," Carla's mother says grabbing the cigarette from Carla's lips with ease and putting it out in a nearby ashtray before glancing back at her daughter.

Carla slouched a little; she always did when in contact with her cold and unloving mother Sharon. She was very critical of every little thing Carla did and quick to point out all of her daughter's flaws. Sighing Sharon pulls out a handkerchief handing it to Carla indicating that the sight of tears is unbecoming for a lady of her age and she would do better to rid of them. Carla grabs it half heartily and brings it to her eyes dabbing at her face.

"I see you have received Mr. Gordon's letter?" says her mother raising an eyebrow, "What number is that now? I'm beginning to lose count."

"I don't know mother," says Carla choking back tears.

"Hmmm," says Sharon looking very disgusted with her daughters continued crying, "You shall reply to this one though. There is only so much waiting a gentleman can do."

"But I don't love him mother!" Carla cries. She thought she could hold it all in but the pain Liam had caused her was truly overtaking her every thought.

"And what would you do then? Wait for HIM instead?" Her mother Sharon says referring to Liam, "You're wasting your time! He is never coming back!"

Those words stun, especially the part about him never coming back. They were like a slap across the face and it angered her that her mother would dare say anything about Liam. She never liked him, she was probably very happy that her daughter was in pain having gone without him so long. But it hurt even more that her mother knew Liam would never be hers when her mother hadn't even read the letter he wrote. It infuriated her that her mother had been right all along.

"I will not marry Tony Gordon. He is nice and kind but he is not for me!"

"We will see what your father has to say about that!" says Sharon not backing down looking ready to drag Carla from her seat and slap her into submission.

"You can't make me," Carla says feebly but she knows deep down she is no match for her mother or father.

She was a daddy's little girl at heart, but her father had a way of being stern when the situation required it. She had no doubt he would send her off to some remote convent to spend the summer or how ever long it took to break her into obedience. Carla didn't want to be away from all her friends.

"Don't be foolish girl. I don't understand you Carla! You are so very beautiful and have all the opportunities and traits to have a happy life. Mr. Gordon is an excellent match. You deserve the best. Liam cannot give you that, he is not been himself since the death of his brother."

Carla says nothing and continues to mope.

In frustration her mother sighs, "He has been gone for two years! His mind is elsewhere. Do you really want to be with such a person who cannot love you so completely as Tony Gordon? I am certain Mr. Gordon can make you happy and buy you the finest things. He loves you."

"He doesn't know me," says Carla, "How can he love me?"

"He knew from the moment he saw you, that you were a true beauty. You awakened his heart and he can't stand the possibility of a life without you. He is besotted with you and he is very handsome and his father and mother of equal standing! You could do much worse. You will accept!"

"Mother—"

"I will get your father girl—"

"FINE!" snaps Carla. She felt so frustrated and truly helpless in this situation.

There was nothing truly wrong with the gentleman Tony Gordon. In fact in the few times they had been in each other's company he was rather nice and caring. But she hadn't allowed for her heart to be opened to the possibly of them being more than friends, because she had been waiting for Liam to return to her. She had been struck with the harsh reality that this was no longer going to be the case. Carla had known all along that the time would come when she have to make a choice and now the moment was upon her. But it wasn't much her choice as it was the choice Liam had made for her. He had been the one to decide they had no future together. She wanted to know how he had arrived at such a decision. Why it was only his choice to make.

Carla's eyes watch as her mother grabs a piece of parchment and a pen placing it in front of her.

"You write Tony Gordon at once and tell him your answer. I trust your answer will be yes, if you know what's good for you daughter. I shall be back within half hour and when I return your reply shall be finished and sealed. And no tricks girl!"

Sharon leaves the room in a huff leaving Carla alone with her thoughts and all these sad emotions again. She didn't want to put pen to paper, because it seemed to convey that she was accepting the fate of a loveless marriage. It made everything more final and much more real. Liam didn't love her anymore…

Why hadn't he written sooner? Why couldn't he have saved her the heartbreak and limbo of waiting on his indecisiveness? And where had his travels taken him now? Probably further and further away from her by the day, and was that what Liam had intended all along? Was it just a moment of sadness? Maybe he regretted it as soon as he had scribbled down the words. Perhaps another letter would arrive tomorrow and he would say it was all just a big misunderstanding. It is foolish to dream this though; Paul's death had truly changed something inside of him and taken him away.

Carla sighed picking up the pen and clenching it in her fingers. She let it hover over the piece of blank stationary for a second before pounding it onto the paper. It broke her heart that Liam couldn't even respect her enough to let her make her own decision on whether or not she wanted to be with him.

_But I love you…_

She writes, that's all she can write before she feels the tears coming again. Was what he was suffering truly so dark that he couldn't bare face his fears with anyone? She didn't even know why she had even bothered to write him for the past two years, or love him, or wait for him.

Obviously didn't a mean a thing. What about all Carla had suffered, didn't that count for something? There was no point in asking these questions just as there was no point in writing these letters anymore. It was foolish to think that someday she get an answer. Her pen hovers over the words again

_But I love you Liam. And I know I have nowhere in which to send this letter or any reason to believe that you wish to receive it. But I need to write it, if not for you then for myself. I still cling hopelessly to the idea that maybe one day I will get a real answer…_

She stares at her words for a while longer before the anger overtakes her again and then the sadness. Then there is the feeling she gets sometimes when she feels like she drowning and being cut off from air. It was feeling she got when she knew the fight was futile and that her parents would be relentless in controlling her path in life.

He said they were dead, that he was dead. What other choice did she have then? He would never be capable of loving her as he once did, or so aptly he had convinced himself. It didn't make any sense for her to wait around on him, hoping he would come back to this place. He probably never wanted to come back again after Paul and she guessed she couldn't blame him for that. And even if he did come back, it probably wouldn't change his feelings about them. None of this changed the fact that he had destroyed her heart and ripped in two. She grabs for another piece of stationary and starts writing before she has a chance to think or change her mind.

_Mr. Antony Gordon,_

_I give you permission to speak with my father. I will accept your proposal at once._

_Carla Donovan_

He said they were dead, that he was dead….

"Well I'm dead too Liam," she whispers, " And you killed me."

He truly had killed her with that letter and the bluntness of his words. Could she ever trust herself to love anyone now? She was so angry and so hurt at his betrayal and what she had been forced to agree to now. And now what did she have to look forward to? She only hoped with this whole debacle with the gentleman Tony Gordon that God would grant by her the time necessary to escape. She prayed it would be a very long engagement.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for all the reviews/faves and follows I have received already on this story! I am truly pleased how many people enjoyed the first chapter and hope you all enjoy the second. **

There was a time long ago in the mind of a seventeen-year-old boy, when Liam thought that love could save everything; that all people needed to get through the storm and darkest night was love. But then Liam grew up. And he saw that no amount of love could ever take away the fact that every single time when he closed his eyes all he could see was blood and all he could smell was the gasoline. But the thing most vivid of his memories, the thing most scorched into his mind was that leg detached from that body and then he wake and vomit into waste bin and repeat the cycle all over again.

He'd have to always remind himself over and over again that Paul was dead. That dead meant you were broken and when your body was broken the living laid you in the ground. You couldn't come back then when you were six feet under and Paul was never coming back.

Liam had felt this monster just waiting to burst through his chest that night when he saw what he had saw. When they pulled him and his cousin Tom from the wreckage and told him they couldn't pull Paul. But Liam had seen his brother, when he had opened his eyes and blinked them into focus right after first impact; he had seen that Paul was still breathing. So it hadn't made any sense when they said nothing could be done. But when he had seen the leg, he knew why. The horror if this realization made it so he couldn't move or speak, he went numb to a place that was darkness and he too, never came back.

He remembers how every little sound or movement could be a trigger used to send him somewhere else. Liam remembers how he could sit for hours just watching her lips move back in forth just talking and laughing and smiling. But he wasn't really listening. She was just taking up air, making him feel more and more suffocated. Carla made him question all the things he had been so certain he wanted before. He had been so certain that he was going to marry her back then and that they would always feel so strongly for one another.

In the days before Paul's death, he remembers how him and Carla used to sneak into each other's homes after visiting hours and just sit on each other's beds talking for hours trying to see who could make it to dawn without falling asleep first. He always won and he would cuddle her and just feel her warmth. Liam always had that feeling in the pit of his stomach that everything was just right. Everything inside of him told him they were right together, until all of a sudden it didn't anymore.

On those days, when things started to change he would wake on her bed to find Carla already wide awake just gazing at him adoringly, running her fingers through his hair. And he couldn't take it, the way she touch him and made him feel warm. He didn't want to feel warm anymore after all he had seen happen to Paul. He never wanted feel anything again, but then he would feel guilty, so he'd smile and try to return her kisses. But even the kisses didn't feel right, Liam felt as though he was kissing an empty hollow shell, like he was something evil sucking the life out of her every time he did it.

It was always these two opposing worlds fighting inside of him. The Liam that had existed before Paul died and the Liam that existed now. All he wanted was to keep it together for her, to give her the love she deserved and he felt always like he was falling short. That he would never be able to make her happy now. The last straw, the true moment in his heart when he knew they could never be together happened four months after Paul had passed.

Carla had been the one to come to him this time. She had snuck through his window and he felt her crawl onto his bed, whispering his name and wrapping her arms around his waist. But Liam pretended to be asleep because he didn't want to burden her with all that was haunting his soul. He didn't want to pretend he loved her adoration. He had fallen into a restless sleep eventually and then saw the leg again and the blood and the sound of the other car plummeting into them and his eyes shot open. He had felt her caressing his cheek and it had woken that monster in his chest. Liam had reacted so quickly, because he was still staring at the blood. He turned over on her so quickly pinning her down and grasping for her neck. He saw her as the monster and he saw Paul and he wanted to destroy those things eating at his soul inside.

"_Liam," she had whispered her wide eyes looking up at him in sheer fear not knowing what to make of the situation, "Liam," she whispers again._

And slowly Liam began to realize that it was her…

"_Liam it's me, Carla. It's Carla Liam," she slowly takes control of the situation grabbing his arm slowly and embracing him in a hug._

_He can hear her crying, the beat of her heart pounding as she rests his head against her chest soothing him and telling her everything was going to be okay. But Liam isn't crying. He is confused as to what he feels, he likened it to feeling nothing at all._

_"What happened to you Liam? What happened that night?"_

How could he answer when he didn't even know.

He realized later his grip was completely not okay. What had overcome him was no excuse; Carla deserved better then those crazy blackouts. This situation could not work anymore because he wasn't safe for her. And although she forgave him, because she forgave him everything, he knew it wasn't right. He'd leave her so couldn't hurt her like that again.

Carla had pleaded with him when he told her he had made up his mind. She asked if there was anything or anyway he would change his mind. Liam couldn't bear to see her tears so he lied and said he'd be going away only for a short time.

"_It's only for a little while. I swear…"_

"_So you'll come back?"_

"_Yes."_

But he knew once he left that he could never come back, not ever, not if he could help it. She needed to forget him. But Carla just wouldn't and when he wrote to his sister Michelle she had foolishly given Carla one of his traveling addresses. So when he received letters Liam couldn't just ignore them and not reply. He didn't understand why she had to write him these letters, letting her go had been hard enough already.

At first he wrote to her about the mundane stuff, like the weather or what sort people he was meeting travelling across the world. It was easy this way because then he wouldn't have to write about the real issues, about their future or anything to do with Paul. She joke in return that he better bring her back lots of presents from every place his foot touched the bare earth. And she would tell him about all the happenings at home with her parents, her brother Robert and finishing school. He had to admit that he liked receiving the letters; he liked being able to have this one last glimpse of entry left as means to access her world. But Liam knew that he was being selfish in continuing to write to her, holding her to him and not giving her a chance to get used to the idea of a world without him. And then she started writing letters like these:

_Dear Liam,_

_Do you love me still? I just need to know. Don't ask me why. But I saw another boy today and the way he stared at me was the way I'm sure every girl dreams for a boy to stare at her once in a while. I should have been flattered, that's what all the girls in class keep saying. But I'm not Liam. I keep on crying about it. I feel guilty and I don't know why. Because you left me, you're not even here!_

Liam would stew over letters like this, just thinking to himself, what am I supposed to do with that? He was half a world away and get further everyday. What was he suppose to do with these statements abut other boys liking her? And it made him even angrier that he was jealous of boys who stared at her. Then he would just get confused and frustrated because he was suppose to be learning how to get over her, not building up fantasies of them being together in his head.

Other letters:

_Liam I can make it all better for you. I can make things right. I know you think we don't belong together and that what you did when you snapped was wrong. But I don't care I can make it better. Just give me a chance. Come back to me and stay with me, please just stay with me…at least write and let know you're alive._

_Dear Liam,_

_If Paul hadn't died, would you still have left? I don't why I'm asking this and please don't get mad. I just…well my mother threw it my face the other day. She said I should go dancing with my friends and some boys. And she said that I would be going if Paul were alive, because you'd still be here and I'd be going with you instead of staying at home and sulking. But even Michelle is going. I went with her to Paul's grave and mother says Michelle is much stronger than I am and she's the one who lost a bother. I don't know why but it's all making me cry…_

_Liam,_

_Please just tell me how you feel? That you still love me? Please write and say we still have a chance…why do you respond to Michelle's letters and not mine. It's making me crazy. I want to know what you're thinking. I am ashamed to say I even thought of stealing one of Michelle's letters just so I could stare into that mind of yours. I'm not proud, but if you'd just respond…_

_Liam,_

_I'm running out of things to say. I'm tired and I feel weak. I just love you; I don't know how else to say it. I'll wait for you for however long it takes. I wait for you forever…_

And finally the one that made everything unbearable. The one that made him realize that no matter how many hundreds of miles he was away he could always hurt her. He was always hurting her.

_Liam,_

_Why won't you write anymore? Are you never going to come back? Are you afraid to tell me so? I have to know. I think about it all the time, Liam. What happened to you? What did you see Liam, the night Paul died?... My Father wants me to get married._

Liam knew them that the time he has so long dreaded had finally arrived. The time had come to tell her, they would never be together and that they could never be together. He had sat down at his writing desk and put pen to paper. The most painful moment of his life was upon him. Whatever was left him and was present inside of him, existed now only to be broken. He had known with certainty now that everything was wrong and could never be right. The monster inside of him had told him so. That when felt her warmness against him, when Liam knew he had to spend hours upon hours just trying to get used to it; the touch of another human again, that he was no longer like other human beings.

What could he possibly say to make her understand? That feeling he constantly had if one day being present and then the next, feeling as though he no longer existed, that there was less of him to go around. He struggled everyday, wondering where this part could have gone. And he kept on thinking through all the dreams and images of that leg broken and detached, broken bodies everywhere that souls escape from, maybe just maybe one day he'd get it back; that part of him that used to be alive. But he didn't see it happening anytime soon, and it wasn't fair to keep her waiting on him, just waiting for it to happen.

So he pounded the pen onto the paper and scribbled the only way he knew how, the only way that would send the message once and for all.

_Carla,_

_All we were is dead. I am dead. You must marry another._

He hadn't noticed he was crying and that the tears were for his brother Paul. That he crying for all the things left unsaid. That he could only ever give half himself to her. He cried because everything was so unfair and because still every time he closed his eyes it was driven through his skull, that dead means Paul is broken. And this brokenness made Liam sad to think about his brother Paul. But mostly Liam cries because he knows Carla isn't his anymore and although it was right thing to do, giving her away, it didn't him feel any less broken inside. Like the night of the accident, reality hit him head on. But where it failed to take his soul the first time, like it had Paul's. It was taking it now because Carla was being ripped away from him. And Liam was no longer powerful enough to stop it, to keep these dark thoughts at bay. They would surely consume him until there was nothing left to go back for, nothing left to find inside. He was a hollow shell. He only hoped now that whomever her father wished for her to marry, would give back to her all that Liam had taken.


	3. Chapter 3

She was going in and out of consciousness not really sure of what was real and what wasn't anymore. She saw images of her family moving in and out of focus and the curtains being drawn to let the sunlight into her room. Her eyes were sensitive to it but Carla was much to weak to even lift an arm to shield her eyes. She just heaved and heaved against her pillow, her black hair soaked through from all the sweating and her mouth becoming more and more increasingly dried. She was weak and in a state of delirium.

"Can't you do something about this?" she hears her mother shouting

"I had Robert call for the doctor Sharon," Carla's father booms impatiently, "And he better come quickly for what I am paying. I couldn't bare if something happened to my baby."

"She'll be fine Edward. She's just being dramatic. Anything to not plan her own engagement gala."

Carla wishes she had the energy to turn her head because if she did she would make sure to glare at her mother with all her might and let it being known to world just how much she hates her. The woman never had any compassion when it came to Carla. She didn't understand the physical state of pain that came with a broken heart. Her mother didn't understand that a world with out Liam wasn't a world worth living in. She knew she had agreed to Antony's proposal but as soon as she sent the letter on its way to be looked over by her parents she knew she had made a grave mistake. Carla didn't love the man and she tried to take the letter back but her mother wouldn't permit it. Carla and her mother had a big screaming match that resulted in Sharon smashing wine glasses on the floor and threatening to do much worse of Carla didn't obey her. Carla's father finally got control of his wife and Carla plummeted up the stairs to her room locking herself inside and shutting the blinds closed. She wanted to be in absolute darkness because all she felt was dark inside.

She hoped that wherever he was that his heart was breaking and would continue to break everyday at this selfish decision he had thrust upon her. She hoped that he would never find true happiness again if he could so easily give her up and close his heart to her. Carla even wished him dead and as soon as she wished it she felt complete guilt over everything that had happened with Paul. Why did Liam have to be like this? Why couldn't he just miss Paul and love her at the same time? He was acting like it was impossible to do both at once and it irked her to no end. It wasn't impossible to love her and miss Paul all the same. There was no reason to feel guilty about it.

Carla had sat herself down at her dresser again determined to write another note. She was going to tell him that he had to fight harder than that letter if he ever wished to get ride of her.

_Liam,_

_I will haunt you. I swear it. You can lock yourself away on a little sailboat and run to the ends of the earth, have your fun. I don't care. But one of these days you're going to realize that I'm the only person that gets you. I swear Liam, you'll never be free of me! _

She read it over and over realizing that it was more hostile then it was heartfelt or romantic. So she tried again but all other attempts were just back to the usual:

_Liam,_

_I love you. I just love you and I don't know how else I can convince you that your place is back here with me…_

But then she wondered why she should have to convince him to come back to her. Why should she have to force him to come home? Shouldn't it be something already existing from within his heart? It was then that she began to cry again and then beg God to have some mercy on her. She knew that with her mother's enthusiasm for a big wedding, a long engagement was not likely to be in the picture. And then Carla's mind shifts to Michelle. How would she take the news of the engagement? Probably not very well, she'd probably label Carla as a traitor and make her out to be the bad guy. This was all too much to take, because Carla felt like a traitor every time another man so much as smiled at her. So she cried some more because everything was just so confusing and she didn't know whether she hated Liam so much that she wanted to throttle him or loved him so much she'd do the same.

She wanted to give her mother a show of defiance. She considered smashing stuff in her room and putting on a show. Her father would likely give into her but her mother was much more stern and hateful. She had scanned her room trying to figure out what to do and then it hit her, she'd rather be dead. It would teach her mother a lesson and it would teach Liam one too. He'd be filled with guilt for ever having left her behind. Quickly she grabbed for a vile of medicine on her dresser and without even a second thought downed all it's contents. What she remembers next is being bed ridden and sweating soaking her cotton white gown through. From what Carla can gather in all her parents bickering she had been in this state for two days. It certainly wasn't her smartest idea.

Her chest was so congested and she felt like her airways were closing. She saw her father come forward and his hands wrap around her chest briefly trying to prop her up on the pillows. Her breathing improved at bit and she now watched as her mother paced back and forth across Carla's room impatient at the doctors arrival.

"The engagement gala was supposed to be in three weeks time! We haven't even sent out the invitations much less agreed upon the possible designs!" Sharon frets.

"Woman be quite!" shouts Carla's father.

Just then the door to Carla's door swings open. Her younger brother Robert comes into view followed by a tall gentleman with dark brown hair and brown eyes. He is dressed in a suit and wearing a black top hat and carrying a cane.

"She's there doctor," says Robert in a panicked voice, "My sister is right there. She is terribly ill."

"Yes," says the doctor his eyes drifting over Carla he looks momentarily stunned by her before recovering and saying, "I can see that," he says this with an air of cockiness and quickly takes off his hat as a sign of respect handing it and his cane to Robert.

He walks over to her parents briefly shaking hands with her father and exchanging a few words in a whisper before they both look over in her direction. Carla observes him still heaving as just hoping he could give her something to put her out of her misery. She didn't know exactly what she wanted but Carla wanted this whole ordeal to be over.

The doctor then walks over to her, carrying his medical case and setting it on the foot of her bed he quickly opens it getting out a few instruments. He strides over to her sitting down facing her at the head of the bed right near her pillow.

"If you would miss," he says, "Open your mouth."

Carla is still so weak but she complies letting him stick the instrument inside her mouth and under her tongue. He dark eyes bore into her making her feel a little uncomfortable. But he just held her eyes for a moment before carrying on.

"Have you had any vomiting?"

Carla looks at her father afraid of telling the truth in the presence of her parents. They would freak if they learned she had swallowed a vile of medicine on purpose. Her father looked ready to cry at the prospect of losing his princess and was clutching Carla's younger brother Robert. Her mother Sharon still stood impatiently tapping her foot about and pacing.

"Hey," the doctor says lightly tapping her cheek with his fingers, "Don't look at them. Look at me and be honest. Have you had any vomiting?"

Carla nods her head weakly indicating yes with the instrument still under her tongue. He slides it out from under her tongue gently.

"How many times? Do you remember?"

Carla manages to speak rather weakly a little put off by his coldness towards her, "No sir."

"Well at least the sickness hasn't taken her manners Mr. Donovan," the doctor says smirking in the direction of her father. Then turning back to her he says, "Your breathing isn't well. You're heaving quite a bit and you seem congested. I will have to have a listen. Your parents will be in the room of course."

"I will be leaving as will my son Robert," says her father, "We shall wait outside. My wife Sharon shall stay."

"Fine," says the doctor abruptly.

He didn't really seem to care Carla noticed and he went back to his bag putting away his instrument and retrieving a stethoscope. He came back to her prodding at her face and eyes trying to see if her focus was up to speed.

"Sit up if you please, Miss," he says again with that air of coldness.

Carla could barely manage and struggled against her pillows before she finally felt his hands on her back and front lifting her forward. He doesn't waste anytime as he presses his ear against her chest in her cotton nightgown. She knew the doctor was being professional but again it made her very uncomfortable. She was just glad her father and brother weren't in the room.

"Would you breathe for me Miss…what is your name?"

"C-Carla," she manages to wheeze out."

"Breathe for me very controlled breaths if you can, Carla. Just a deep breathe in and a deep breathe out."

Carla did as he commanded his head still pressed against her chest making her uncomfortable. She tried to look ahead and focus on anything so she would not have to focus on him and the awkwardness of having a stranger so close to her like this. She did it a few times for him and he took his head away for a moment to slip on his stethoscope before prodding it against her chest.

"I am going to need you to open your gown a bit Carla," he states his brown eyes had a bit of a glint in them.

Carla looked over at her mother unsure of what to do. Sharon gives a slight nod indicating she wants her daughter to get on with it. The doctor glances between mother and daughter before smiling.

"That's why you're mothers in the room Carla," he says with surprising gentleness, "To make sure I don't do anything unbecoming. I assure you this is all for medical reasons. I'll be the upmost professional."

Before Carla even had a chance to respond he pulled at the lace to the opening of her gown prodding the stethoscope against her chest. She felt his fingers gently brush her breasts and their eyes meet briefly at this violation of comfort before he continued to move it about her bare skin.

'Continue breathing as I asked," he says curtly while moving the instrument to her back area resting her against his hand for support, "hmmm," he remarks.

"What is it Doctor Foster?" says Sharon Donovan in a sugary sweet fake voice, "Is my darling going to be okay? Is it anything serious like consumption—"

"Consumption?" says the doctor gently removing the stethoscope from Carla's back. He is staring at her again with his dark brown eyes, expressionless, "Heavens no. I reckon food poisoning. Nothing to be frightened about."

"Oh my god!" says Sharon trying to play up her part as the concerned mother.

"Oh my god is right," says the Doctor, "She's too young to be so sick like this and it's even more for her silly to bring it on herself."

"Oh my daughter is only eighteen," exclaims Sharon, "She can be rather silly with overeating."

"Only eighteen?" the doctor whispers again staring at Carla in an uncomfortable manner. His brown eyes were blazing.

"Yes," says Sharon babbling on, "And newly engaged might I add. We can't afford such setbacks like this. Her engagement gala is in just a few weeks. I can't believe it still, my only daughter engaged—"

"And just as well," says the doctor now packing up his instruments, "The sooner she is off the market the better," again he seems to be in a daze his eyes drift over Carla taking her all in, "Can't have such a beautiful creature running about."

Carla gives him a haughty expression. Just who did this gentleman think he was looking at her in such a manner?

"Mrs. Donovan," he says his eyes still plastered on Carla, "Would you collect your husband? I shall like for a gentleman to be present when I give my diagnosis and medication."

"Of course Sir," Sharon quickly leaves the room.

Carla is left in the mercy of this strange gentleman. She is still so weak and felt sticky from all the sweat.

"It isn't good to take a whole bunch of medicine when you don't know what it's for," he remarks to her, "I hope you'll be more careful in the future Carla."

"How do you know?" Carla spits out stupidly before thinking. She is admitting to everything.

"Well," he says once again settling in front of her and placing his hand on her forehead feeling her temperature, "Because I'm a doctor of course. It doesn't take a genius to figure it out and as soon as your mother mentioned the engagement I knew it for certain."

Carla was annoyed with this doctor and his cockiness. She detested his touch already and she didn't even know him. She glared at him because she was too weak to bit back with a retort as he smirked at her. He began to move his hand down to touch her cheek and Carla fidgeted to get away

Before he could react her parents walked back into the room. Her father hovered anxiously in the background as the Doctor quickly rose and proceeded to give his diagnosis, "Food poisoning," he lied, "I will give her some antibiotics and I recommend a few more days in bed. She needs to be well rested for her fiancé."

"Oh yes indeed," says Carla's father happily shaking the doctors hand as her mother gives out a sigh of relief.

"Oh thank you so much doctor Foster. We are indebt to you! You must come to tea, to dinner, my daughters engagement gala!"

"Oh I wouldn't want to intrude upon you all," the doctor says briefly glancing at Carla.

"It wouldn't be an intrusion at all. Carla would host a dinner or tea in your honor. I mean it is because of you she can still have an engagement gala."

"Indeed," he says, "If your daughter doesn't mind of course?" He was glancing intensely at Carla now.

Before she could protest her mother Sharon glared giving her a warning, "Of course she wouldn't mind! She'd adore your presence!"

"The I guess it is settled," says Doctor Foster holding out his hand to shake Edward Donovan's and then kissing Sharon's, "I shall have to check up on her for a while anyways. I have to keep track of her progress. Make sure she has lots of fluids as well."

"Of course," says Carla's father, "We'll have the servants right on it."

"Good," he says now retrieving his top hat and cane, "Miss," he says nodding his head in Carla's direction before leaving. Her parents followed after him still singing his praises.

Carla was left alone now. She was upset again because whenever she was left with her thoughts all on her own she would just think about Liam. And then that would mean tears and anger were soon to follow. She was so angry that her plan to die hadn't worked and that she was still stuck in this engagement. She'd have to think of something fast to prolong that stupid gala and quick. She couldn't imagine having to spend a whole day in the clutches of her fiancé whom she would never love like Liam. And even more she couldn't imagine having to entertain the pompous cocky Doctor Foster. However she was surprised he hadn't gloated and jumped at the opportunity to rat her out to her parents. He had lied on her behalf and said she had food poisoning and Carla wanted to know why. But even such a question wasn't on her mind to long before she was back to wondering about her Liam. What was he doing at this very moment? And why was she hurting herself thinking about him? Her mother wasn't right about much in life, but perhaps she was right about love when she said nothing good ever came of it. Carla wants to cry again for being such a fool.


	4. Chapter 4

**I just want to give a special shout out to my regular reviewers because I never really have before. I think you guys know who you are and I adore each and every one of you as it always puts a smile on my face to read your feedback. Couldn't have asked for more lovely friends on here. Anyways thank you to anyone and everyone who reads my stories. I appreciate you all. Enjoy this chapter**

_What happened to you?_

That's all it seemed anyone wanted to know anymore. It didn't matter of the person had just met him or had known him all his life. All they wanted to know was what was wrong with him and why he hadn't bothered to fix himself and move on like everyone else. Liam thought leaving would have made things all the more easier for the whole family. That his mother wouldn't be so irritated with his lack of emotion and that his sister Michelle wouldn't feel so guilty about trying to be a normal girl of seventeen and having fun like everyone else her age should be. It hadn't worked out as he planned though.

His sister with whom he used to have the most friendly of correspondence wrote him constantly now berating him to come home and calling him selfish. Michelle had said it was dire now more than ever because Carla is engaged to be married to some fellow named Tony Gordon. Liam wanted to scream and write back in bold letters that it was because Carla was getting married that he could never come back. He couldn't be the thing keeping her from a happy future and he couldn't live with having to see her at the same events and within the same social circles gliding about with a husband on her arm. It was supposed to be him he thought bitterly but Paul dying had changed everything so he'd just have to get over the fact that he couldn't have everything he wanted anymore. The siblings corresponded back and forth practically shouting at each other. Liam called his sister an annoying brat and she wrote back with just as much venom calling him a selfish bastard with no heart at all. It was emotionally draining and Liam got to the point where he was considering ignoring all further letters and not telling her where he was headed next. He wanted to have a sane mind and be confident in his decision but he couldn't do that with his sister constantly whispering in his ear telling him he was stupid.

Liam had received a letter from home again one morning and had it in his mind to tuck it away and not even bother looking at it. But something urged him to open it. It was a foreboding feeling of something bad happening and his first thought was of Paul and wherever Paul was in his spectrum of thoughts death followed closely. He hoped no one else in his family was hurt.

_Dear Liam,_

_We have not spoken in so long and I am truly sorry for it. But I write to you child because I think it is time to stop the sadness and shutting yourself off from everyone that loves and cares for you back at home. I know you are going to response to this letter with some nonsense about trying to find yourself and trying to come to terms with your brother's death. But I am sorry to say that you are wasting your time. _

_Death isn't something for any one person to overcome, as we al have tol die some day. And although out Paul was much too young and we all miss him terribly the time has come for you to grow up. You must accept as we have all accepted that your brother is indeed in a better place now and that he would want you to make better use of your life outside of mourning his death so bitterly and disconnected from the grace of God. _

_You must realize that life goes on and evidence of such life is presented to me everyday son. Now I have some news son; your baby sister is pregnant. I wish I could say that I am delighted in such news but I am neither happy nor angry. I simply accept the situation for what it is. But your sister Michelle still is from a respectable family so she will be expected to do what is right. Which brings me to my second piece of news; Michelle is engaged to be married to her longtime boyfriend Dean. He is presumably the father of the child and expected to do what is right just as you are expected to do what is right. _

_You must return home immediately, the family needs you now more then ever. Michelle is at a vulnerable state and only you seem able to keep her calm. She does not seem to understand that this whole situation needs to be kept under wraps for the time being and for the sake of the family image. Liam you must come home immediately and support your only living sibling. It is time to stop walking in the shadow of the dead._

_Your ever loving mother,_

_Helen_

Liam almost dropped the letter. He didn't know what to say much less do. How could Michelle have kept this from him? He felt so horrible now for all the nasty things he had said in his letters to her just so she would get off his case. His mother was still being as close minded to his suffering as ever, so that was no surprise. She had never understood that not everyone was able to walk around and act like they were unaffected by things. But his main concern was for Michelle, his mother was right in saying that he could not turn his back on his only living sibling. No wonder Michelle had pleaded so hard for him to come home. She had wanted her brother back for herself not for Carla's sake but she must have been too afraid and stubborn to reveal her condition to Liam. But ever since she was a baby Liam had always had a soft spot for his little sister. Michelle was always getting herself into some situation that required him to come rescue her and raise fury against anyone who did her any wrong.

This was how he met Carla or rather first saw her when his family had just moved into town. Michelle had been the new girl at the all girls school and some of the ladies were not being to kind to her because of it. Liam had felt so bad seeing his poor sister reduced to tears everyday at some of the mean stuff the girls were doing to her; girls like Tracey Barlow and Maria Sutherland. Liam had decided to cut his own classes one day to sort these mean girls out and his cousin Tom offered to come along and be of some assistance. They weren't going to be violent or anything, they were just going to give these girls a talking to and a warning.

_Liam felt so lost as he wandered the halls of his sister's school just trying to sort things out. He was becoming increasingly agitated and annoyed because Michelle had promised to meet them in the front courtyard so that he and Tom wouldn't have to sneak in. They ended up waiting for about fifteen minutes near noon when his sister claimed she'd be able to sneak away and point them in the direction of her tormentors. She had never shown, so Liam and Tom went in search of her sneaking into the building even though they faced serious precautions if caught because no boys were permitted on the premises. _

_Liam had to watch his back at every corner, deciding to split up with his cousin so they could increase their chances of finding Michelle. The two boys decided to meet back in the courtyard by 12:45pm if they did not find his sister. Liam had searched for her everywhere that day peeking in and out of rooms and just narrowly escaping the teachers and staff members who patrolled the hallways. By 12:30 he was fed up and exhausted and reasoning that he probably wouldn't have any breakthroughs in the last fifteen minutes decided to go back to the school courtyard and wait for his cousin Tom._

_The courtyard was composed of several archways on either side with a fountain positioned in the middle. Liam hoisted himself up on the makeshift bench under one of the archways throwing his book bag down next to him he retrieved his pocket watch just preparing to spend the next fifteen minutes watching the dial slowly reach its mark. He heard voices then, whispers and giggles coming from an archway near him peeking his head over he saw two girls one blonde the other one dark haired like a ravens. They had school books pulled out along with a pencil and notebook the blonde girl was sitting while the raven haired girl sort of stood bent over her trying to get her to focus._

"_Okay Leanne we can't joke around anymore. You have to get this assignment in, remember? Mrs. Harris will not be happy with you if you fail literature."_

"_Oh I hate her so much Carla! She is just jealous because we are young and beautiful and she's old and dried up and no one wants her anymore."_

"_Yeah, yeah Leanne. We all know she is a cow but the difference is no one says anything outright to her face. Do you really want your mother to be called in again?"_

_Liam was simply stunned and taken aback by how beautiful the girl called Carla was. She hadn't really looked up once but he could tell from the angle of her face that she was like one of those legendary beauties his father claimed only existed in fairytales. He couldn't stop gawking at her and hoped she wouldn't sense he was nearby so that he could continue you to take her all in without any interference._

_She had long hair down to her shoulders with half of it pinned back and tied with a black ribbon. Her school uniform was a teal color a skirt and blazer with tights and black shoes. Liam's eyes fell on her legs a few times which seemed to go on for miles in those black tights. He felt a bit creepy just looking at them like he did but he just couldn't help himself. A nervous feeling was beginning to take root in his stomach now and he watched her in a daze as she continued to help her friend with her assignment._

"_Did you even open your books all semester Leanne? If you don't do well on this your mother won't let you come to my party—"_

_She seems to sense him as her eyes which were once focused on the page shift and she slowly raises her head to look at him stopping mid sentence. Her stare is a perplexed one. She seems confused as to what he is doing on the premises and Liam wants to explain himself and say anything really just so she won't think him a creep but he is tongue-tied. They hold each other's stare for a moment and because Liam can't think of anything else to do he smiles. Her relentless blinking is stalled as she blushes quickly and looks away back down at her friend's assignment._

"_Hurry up Lea," she whispers, "I want to get out of here," again she looks back up at him still wondering why he is staring._

"_But it is so much to do! I hate this assignment so much Carla!...Carla?" The girl Leanne looks up now noticing Liam, "Hey! There aren't any boys allowed here! How'd he get in here?"_

"_Shh," says Carla immediately trying to silence her friend from making a scene and alerting the school authorities. She glances at Liam again, "He's just a boy."_

_But he wasn't just a boy and she wasn't just any girl. Liam thinks they both knew this fact from the start._

"_My names Liam," Liam blurts out foolishly stumbling off his bench and holding out his hand for Carla to shake completely ignoring her friend Leanne._

_Carla's stunning green eyes drift over his hand for a second and exchanging a glance with her friend who is now glaring at Liam with an overprotective look on her face. Carla hesitates briefly before extending her hand to shake his._

"_Liam what?" she asks_

"_Oh sorry. Liam Connor."_

"_Nice to meet you. I am Carla Donovan."_

_They exchange nervous and shy smiles but both sets of eyes dancing. They know they can't ignore whatever it is going on here; that it will be impossible._

"_And just what are you doing here, Liam Connor?" says Leanne her face is an expression of jealousy._

"_My little sister goes here. I was coming to visit but couldn't find her. Her name is Michelle."_

"_Oh she's new at our school isn't she? I've seen her a few times she's a grade below us—lovely girl," Carla smiles._

_Leanne starts to make huffing noises to show her annoyance over the whole interaction. She starts to grab hastily at her books shoving them into her book bag making a great show of it._

"_Thank you," Liam says his eyes completely on Carla, "She's been having problems with a few girls though. A couple of them have been treating her quite poorly. I was going to sort them out."_

"_Let me guess, Tracey Barlow. She's a cow. I can handle her."_

"_Really?" says Liam grinning at the thought of her handling her own in a fight, "And what about this girl Maria Sutherland? What's she like?"_

"_A prissy little princess and a snob. She is all but nasty words nothing threatening. But she tries to act all sweet and innocent but I see right through her."_

" _Good to know," says Liam again grinning at her. He was watching her lips as she talked and all he could think about was how nice they looked and that he would very much like to kiss them._

"_Carla," says Leanne trying to get her friends attention, "We have to go now. Remember your mother wants you home early today to help with the selection for the society tea. She doesn't know what table cloth patterns to use and then we have to meet up with Peter and everyone—"_

"_I know," says Carla looking a little annoyed._

_Liam felt a little crescent fallen wondering who this Peter guy was. His mentioning had changed Carla's demeanor completely. Leanne started to walk away to indicated even more clearly that it was time to leave and Carla began to hastily gather up her own work now. Liam was about to say something else when she looked up and spoke again._

"_Uhmm so you're new in town right?"_

"_Yeah," says Liam now adjusting his own book bag._

"_You should come to my party."_

"_Oh yeah," says Liam trying to keep his voice casual although inside he is jumping for joy, "What type of party is it?"_

"_Well it's not really my own party as much as it is my parents," she fumbles around nervously now slipping her school bag over her shoulder and looking at him straight in the eyes, "I'm allowed to invite a few friends and what not so I thought maybe you'd like to come."_

"_I'm a friend already?" says Liam teasingly although they both know he'd like to ask so in a more serious manner._

_She blushes, "A sort of friend I guess," then trying to recover from her incessant staring she adds, "And I'd love to get your sister to come. I'd like to get to know her more. I can give her a few pointers when it comes to dealing with the mean girls—"_

"_CARLA ARE YOU COMING?!" shouts Leanne in the distance impatiently tapping her foot._

"_I'm so sorry about her," says Carla, "Leanne can be very rude. But I best not keep her waiting before she explodes on me. I'll send party details with your sister the next time I see her if my mother hasn't already contacted your parents with an invitation instead," she turns to walk away before abruptly turning back and smiling, "And Liam it was nice meeting you."_

_He watched her walk away completely in a daze wondering if she was indeed real and if that had actually just happened. He felt like she was a beautiful angel not apart of this world; something much too good to be true. _

_His cousin Tom came back late but he had managed to find his sister Michelle. Liam had been ready to yell at her before for not being where she said she would be. But now he felt it was a good thing she hadn't been around and one day he would thank her for indirectly bringing Carla Donovan into his life. _

Now it seemed like history was repeating itself. Liam had swore with every fiber in his being that he would never return home to that place again or to Carla if he could help it. But somehow Michelle always managed to get him to break the promises he was so intent on keeping. And because of his special love for Michelle he'd always break the rules he made in order to protect her just like had broken the rules the day he came to her school and met Carla. It was now inevitable with him having to return home to England that he would have to meet and see Carla again. He'd just have to pretend that he didn't love her and that he felt nothing towards her at all. It was the only way he was going to survive her engagement and marriage. No matter how much he wanted her Liam had to restrain himself. He had almost hurt Carla in his black out over Paul so Liam would have to stay as far away from her as possible and find a way to continue to turn his feelings off until he felt nothing. That way it wouldn't break him when he saw her in the arms of her soon to be husband Tony Gordon. The quicker she was married the better Liam thought, because then he would have something, an excuse and concrete reason as to why he couldn't have Carla. He would have something stopping him from acting on anything he felt and something to keep his feelings in check. Liam wouldn't touch a married woman because it wouldn't be right. So Liam hopes to God that Carla will have a very short engagement.


	5. Chapter 5

**I don't know if this chapter exactly flows nicely but I really hope its construction is not too all over the place. My apologies if it is. Thanks again to everyone for such the lovely response. Much appreciated.**

Carla sat near the windowsill in the family sitting room. It was a beautiful day and the sun was shinning into the room. She had wanted to be near the light so she could at least feel its warmth on her skin, a reminder at least to let her know she was still alive and not just merely existing.. Her legs are perched up on the couch connected to it windowsill and she had her knees drawn to her waist as she flipped through the pages of some random book or another that she had read once before. She just wanted to appear busy and have something to do with her time outside of preparation for the engagement gala.

Carla's younger brother Robert was also in the room sat at a small table in the corner near the fireplace feverishly flipping through his schoolbooks. He constantly looked up distracted by the nice sun shinning into the room as well as the sound of the housekeeper stomping up and down the hallways going about her usual business. Robert didn't usually do his homework in this room but Carla had a sneaking suspicion that he was just keeping an eye on her especially after she had downed all that medication and fell ill. Although he never said anything, Carla knew he understood all the turmoil she was going through. Her brother knew that her heart only felt for Liam.

Carla let out a big sigh as she flipped through the old book just staring at the black words jumping off the yellowed pages. She wasn't retaining anything because in truth although she appeared to be well and healthy on the outside her mind was a million miles away clinging onto thoughts of everything she has left unsaid. What would she say to Liam if she had just one more chance to see him again? This scenario tortured Carla's mind every second of her waking hour and it haunted her dreams. She woke up crying still most nights because of all this pain Liam was putting her through. And sometimes she doubted whether he had loved her at all because if he did loved her he wouldn't want to intentionally cause her so much pain. And what bothered her most was his inability to give her a true and real answer. She would not accept that he didn't love her anymore until she saw the words coming from his lips.

Carla continues to flip through her old book and comes across a piece of paper sort of stuffed in the crease area. It caught her interest and quickly glancing at her brother Robert she sees he is once again zoned out in his schoolwork so she quickly grabs at the paper yanking it out and unfolding it. How could she have forgotten about it? A faint smile forms on her lips as she reads the poem Liam had scribbled down and given to her one day. This was the Liam that existed before Paul had died, the one who was always smiling and always truthful with his feelings for her.

She remembers how it came about that he gave it to her; the poem. It had been the most thoughtful of things anyone had ever done for Carla. Her mother had been so horrible to her yet again so Carla had ran away to Liam's home; sneaking into his window like she always did. Throwing herself onto his bed and just snuggling against his pillow she waited patiently for him to come home. He didn't even have to ask her any questions because he already knew what was wrong. Carla's mother always tried to make her daughter feel insecure and like she was a disappointment. And Sharon loved telling her daughter that once her beauty faded she would have nothing men wanted and she would be nothing at all.

By the time Carla was done crying to Liam about it she had soaked his shirt through with all her tears. She did not wish for him to leave her as he got up and reached out for him feebly almost like a child did when separated from their mother. He just smiled at her with that perfect face and stunning blue eyes uttering the words he'd be back and that she should wait there on his bed. She had waited for what seemed like an eternity in the silence of his room until Liam came to her again. Whispering softly for her to close her eyes she remembers how her heart was pounding as she felt him sit down on the bed next to her and reach for her hand. Carla felt the texture of paper slide between her fingers and the hotness of his breath as he whispered so softly…

"_Open your eyes."_

Her fingers had nervously unfolded the small piece of paper placed in her hands.

_I loved you, Atthis, years ago,_

_When my youth was still all flowers_

_And sighs, and you__ -__ you seemed to me_

_Such a small ungainly girl._

_Can you forget what happened before?_

_If so, then I'll remind you how, while lying_

_Beside me, you wove a garland of crocuses_

_Which I then braded into strands of your hair._

_And once when you'd plaited a double necklace_

_From a hundred blooms, I tied it around_

_The swanning, sun-licked ring of your neck._

_And on more than one occasion __-__ there were two_

_Of them, to be exact__ -__ while I looked on too_

_Silent with adoration to say your name,_

_You glazed your breast and arms with oil._

_No holy place existed without us then,_

_No woodland, no dance, no sound._

_Beyond all hope, I prayed those timeless_

_Days we spent might be made twice as long._

_I prayed one word; I __want__._

_Someone, I tell you, will remember us,_

_Even in another time._

_~Sappho_

She thought it was beautiful, the most beautiful thing she had ever read. But she didn't really know why he was giving it to her and why he had chosen then. He leaned in a whispered in her then sending jolts throughout her stomach like it did whenever they got this close.

"_You'll never be ugly to me, even when you grow old. I'll always want you. I'll always remember us…"_

Carla holds the poem for a moment longer. She was a trance again and she truly resented every moment of it; the places that Liam could take her when he wasn't even here anymore. Looking out the window she no longer feels the warmth of the sun on her skin only coldness and hollowness. He had lied to her. He had said he would remember what it was they had forever. Perhaps he didn't understand the affect his words would have on the heart of a sixteen-year-old girl. He clearly didn't want to remember _them_ anymore.

"_Carla all we were is dead…"_

His words were shot to hell now in her opinion. He was the one who decided to run away from everything and just hope that somehow everyone he left behind would be okay with picking up the pieces. She felt her emotions boiling at his lack of faith in them. Liam just bolted as soon as things got tough. He had said before he left that it was all because he needed to regain his old self back. That he wasn't okay with the man staring back at him in the mirror every morning. It didn't bother her so much that he was dealing with demons it only bothered her that he refused to even make a try for it, all that they had.

The last two lines haunt her, pulling at her soul.

_Someone, I tell you, will remember us… even in another time._

Why should anyone else remember them? Give them any thought or consideration of Liam himself could not be man enough to do the same? Carla knew one thing for certain, that she would be the one left stranded, broken and scorched, left to remember his every touch, his every look igniting from within her and very much outside of her control. He would never let her rest or grant her a moment's peace. She felt a shiver now at this deadness inside of her this resentment amplified that she would remember his every embodiment for all time.

Carla can't stand to look at the poem any longer or his writing or any extension that is proof of Liam Connor's existence on this earth. It was too much for her to handle and angry she slams the book shut crushing the paper inside. It causes Robert to look up if only for a brief second with a quizzical look on his face before pulling himself back into his studies. Carla's mother Sharon walks in just then accompanied by the Doctor Foster. Carla thinks to herself, was it already time for another follow up on her health? The Doctor was beginning to make quite the habit of this.

"She's in here Doctor Foster," says her mother gliding into the room with her usual snobby exterior, "Robert leave," she says curtly to her son, "Carla needs to have her check up now."

Robert knows better than to challenge his mother and quickly getting up he greets the doctor with the usual manners and respectable ceremony before quickly exiting the room. Carla sets her book down with a blank expression on her face; she just wanted to get this whole thing over with.

"Carla get your feet off that couch right this instance!" Sharon shrilly commands before turning to the Doctor and saying in the most charming of voices, "She's all yours Doctor Foster. I trust you wont need me looking in on you today?"

"No," says the Doctor dressed in his usual suit, "It's just the usual Mrs. Donovan. I just want to make sure everything is fine. I may even be quick today," he stares at Carla now with his intense brown eyes.

"That's good then," Sharon smiles and then glaring at Carla she warns, "Be on your best behavior young lady."

"Yes mother," Carla says returning her mothers coldness and removing her feet from the seat slipping them into her house slippers.

Sharon gives her daughter one last look of contempt before turning around and gliding out of the room closing the doors and leaving Carla alone in the company of the doctor. She did not like him very much. He had an air of superiority about him that she found most unattractive and she disliked the way he always looked her. It was very inappropriate and unbecoming for a man his name. She just sat on the windowsill seat for a time swinging her legs back and forth looking at him as he began to set his case down and retrieve his usual instruments.

Finally once he has everything laid out Doctor Foster looks at her, his eyes blazing with that unreadable look that often marred his expressions.

"Miss Donovan may you please go over to the couch?"

Carla says nothing obeying him immediately she pushes her body up rather gracefully and makes her way over to the couch positioned in the center of the room right in front of the fireplace. Once seated she waits patiently for him to come with the thermometer. It always had to be the thermometer first.

"Open your mouth please," Doctor Foster says coming to stand in front of her.

Carla looks up at him and obediently follows his instruction as he slips the instrument under her tongue holding her stare. These encounters were always the most uncomfortable. She was only used to being in the company alone of men like he father and brother and Liam. Carla did not like being in this doctors presence, he made her body feel strange with the way he looked for opportunities to touch it. Again she had only let men like her father or brother touch her and in the most intimate ways Liam.

"Anymore vomiting Carla?" he whispers kneeling to her level so he could have easy access to her face.

He began to touch the muscles in her neck at near her chin making her head fall from side to side as he sort of massaged them feeling for her pulse. He placed each of his thumbs on the areas such below her eyes moving the base of her sockets down as he makes whatever inferences about he health he needs to.

Carla finally manages to sake her head no in response to his question trying her best not be appear awkward.

"Your wrist," he says now satisfied with her answer and continuing to work at excessive speed.

Carla extends out her wrist and watches as his fingers brush her skin feeling for her pulse there as well. He started to massage it and instantly Carla pulls her wrist away glaring at him. She saw behind the whole medical act now because he didn't need to linger in some places as often as he did. His look is one of pure entertainment. The doctor seemed to be taking joy in her reaction as he slowly removes the thermometer from her mouth.

"Now this won't do," he says glancing at it and then letting his eyes flicker back onto her, "Your temperature still seems to be running high."

"I feel fine," Carla says curtly before adding, "Sir."

"Regardless it is still a reason for great worry," grabbing for his stethoscope he proceeds to do the usual running the instrument over her chest and back area instructing her to take deep breaths.

Carla watches as he finally removes that instrument as well and waits for him to say she is in decent condition because she no longer felt these check ups were necessary.

"Your chest still sounds very congested. I think you may have some sort of intestinal infection."

"What?" Carla says surprised because she felt her breathing had gone back to normal, "What happened to the food poisoning?"

"Now, now I know the truth about all that Carla," he says smirking at her, "You took a whole bunch medicine you weren't supposed to. The food poisoning was just me being nice and giving you a cover. Now you're seeing the affects of such careless behavior."

"Is it anything serious?" Carla says getting very anxious.

Why did she have to be so stupid and take that medicine to begin with. It hadn't brought Liam rushing back home to her side. It was just a reckless and immature reaction to her heartbreak.

"Not too serious," the Doctor says, "I've caught it early so I can give you the medicine to fight the infection off."

Carla was grateful that although he was creepy the doctor was also knowledgeable. He would be able to help her get back into good health. Even though she did not in fact feel sick Carla had no reason to doubt him as he was a learned man of medicine and she knew nothing about medical practices at all.

"I'll have you healthy and content in no time."

"Thank you," Carla responds and she truly means it she is very thankful.

"It's my job Miss. Donovan," he says beginning to gather his instruments and pack them away.

He pulls out a vile of medicine and hands it Carla giving her no explanation the room is silent for a while. Carla rises from the couch ready to say thank you again.

"That medicine shall clear up your intestines," Doctor Foster glances over his shoulder still attending to his bag.

"What is it?" Carla asks meekly.

"You wouldn't understand it. Medicine is no subject for a lady. I shall talk to your father about it and inform him of it's properties. But you my dear, you are not to worry. Just continue being your beautiful self and all will be right in the world."

Carla is stunned because this is the first time again has insulted as well as praised her in one statement. She wanted to get all haughty and indignant about his remarks but really she was realized that is how things are. Her father thought the same of her and yet she still felt warmly towards him. Doctor Foster's voice had actually become more tender as he said this instead of his usual cold and condescending nature. Perhaps she was being too hard on him and she did have much to grateful for with him checking up on her.

"Thank you," she manages again.

He turns to her smiling, "I'm lucky. That's about the third thank you I've gotten from you today. I must be doing something right then?"

Carla blushes and doesn't say anything more because really all she had to say was those two words.

"You're welcome," he finally says still grinning at her, "We have to have you good and ready for your engagement gala. Can't have you all sick that would be horrible for everyone's spirits. When is it?"

"In a weeks time. I was sure my mother sent you the invitation."

"That is most likely. I often have a habit in misplacing things."

"We can give you another one."

"So I am wanted there now?" the doctor replies his stare flirtatious for once rather than intensely creepy.

Carla blushes again trying to think of something to say. She would normally deny such things but they both knew there was no point in it.

"It was only because you're a stranger and I don't know you. It would be odd," she manages.

"Oh as opposed to the countless strangers that will be in attendance already? Like the friends of your parents and those friends friends and so forth."

Carla hadn't thought of that and again she blushes at her own silliness. There is another awkward silence before Carla finally remembers that she is supposed to be retrieving another invitation for him to replace the lost one. Quickly informing him she will be right back, Carla leaves him to his instruments leaving the room and making her way towards the place she knew her mother was keeping extra invitations. She thought to herself maybe the doctor wasn't so bad. She had a calming feeling as she clutched the vile if medicine that everything as it stood at the moment could be okay. She had easily turned her mind towards the doctor in a positive manner so perhaps the same could be done for her fiancé and this engagement. Liam…he would take a little more time.


	6. Chapter 6

**So Glad people are enjoying this story. Sorry to those I promised an update on Paradise Palace but it is a bit delayed. I will try and finish the latest chapter for that fic and post it shortly.**

Liam was just trying to keep it together and not fall apart. The motion of the car touching the familiar pavement of the town roads made him feel so nauseous.

"Just breathe Liam, just breathe," he coached himself repeating the words over and over again.

The driver glanced at him from the rearview mirror. Surely having thoughts that Liam was truly crazy. His mother had sent the family driver to retrieve him as soon as he stepped foot off the train. Liam figured it was because she was afraid of her only surviving son slipping through her fingers once again. The thought must have been unbearable to her, just as it was almost unbearable for Liam to place his foot down upon the train station pavement. He had been so close to barricading himself inside his compartment when the train pulled into the station. It was only because his conscious called for him to consider his poor sister that he did not result in such eccentric behavior. His love for Michelle knew no bounds.

Once his bags were packed away in the trunk and Liam got settled into his seat the driver had told him that they would be going en route to the local hotel. His mother and sister were having tea at the moment and did not want to delay in seeing him. Liam was rather anxious about this meeting because he did not know how he would react to his sister's pregnant belly. He wondered if she was even showing yet. He had a sort of hostility towards all life forms, towards anyone who got the chance at the life Paul was so cruelly denied. He knew it was wrong to harbor such negative feelings towards his future niece or nephew but it was the sad truth. This was the sort of person he was now; this was the sort of coldness and confusion that battled within him daily. He resented the whole situation that had brought him back here once again.

His senses were heightened as the car proceeded on route to the hotel. He could smell the strong scent of fresh blood. He could hear the amplified sounds of passing car engines and flashes of Paul shot in out of his vision. He was sitting in the front seat next to Tom, his hands gripped on the steering wheel as they all share a laugh about something or the other. Those blue eyes bore into Liam as his head swung around…

"_Carla's alright with you stopping by later then?" Paul asks briefly taking his eyes off the road and staring at Liam positioned in the back seat adjacent to him._

"_What?" Liam asks he hadn't been paying attention._

"_I said is Carla alright with you stopping by later then?"_

"_Oh yeah," says Liam briefly looking at his brother before looking out his passenger window, "She's never dramatic about that sort of stuff. She knows we'll all be here tomorrow anyways."_

_Paul lets out a laugh indicating his full agreement with this statement._

"_Your Carla is a smart woman," remarks their cousin Tom, "She's a lovely girl—"_

"_And she's off limits," says Liam, "So don't you dare try anything with her Tom."_

"_You haven't even really 'been' with her yet," says Tom enjoying their banter and the using the opportunity to tease Liam._

"_What?" says Paul again turning and taking his eyes off the road to look at his brother. His blue eyes wearing an expression of disbelief, "Why in heavens name not Liam?"_

"_Because she is special Paul. It's personal and you wouldn't understand—"_

"_To right, I wouldn't" says Paul laughing, " You're just too scared. You wouldn't know how to handle a girl like that—"_

"_Shut up! And Carla's a virgin too so don't trying saying otherwise._

_Again Paul just laughs turning his attention back on the road._

"_Oh she has got him spinning!" laughs Tom contributing little to the conversation, "Our Liam is all heart!"_

"_Hey Thomas," says Liam getting annoyed, "How about you try shutting that hole in your face."_

"_Touchy, touchy."_

"_Alright," says Paul trying his best to suppress his laughter, "Leave my baby brother alone Tom! He's got some good morals and wants to wait for when the time is right. I happen to think it is admirable."_

"_Really?" says Liam surprised at his brothers reaction. Usually Paul liked to tease him to no end about every little thing. This was a nice change._

"_Always the tone of surprise Liam," says Paul smirking, "But word of advice."_

"_Yeah?"_

"_Don't wait too long."_

"_Pardon?" says Liam leaning forward in his seat to hear his brother better._

"_I said just don't wait too long."_

"Pardon?" Liam says leaning forward in the back seat.

"I asked if everything was alright Mr. Connor," says the driver staring at him like he was crazy, "Only you look a little pale and have been rocking back and forth at an excessive rate."

"I don't much like cars," Liam mumbles trying to adjust to the present world. Paul was now gone from the drivers seat, "I am feeling a bit ill."

"We're almost at the hotel sir. But would you like me to stop so you could perhaps relieve yourself of any sickness?"

"No," snaps Liam. He immensely hated to be coddled and did not like for people to treat him as though he was suffering from some terminal illness. He hated to appear weak or for anyone to prey on these perceived weaknesses, "I'm quite fine thank you. Don't ask me anymore questions like that, please and thank you." He would hear no more talk about this. He just wished he didn't have to think about that night every time he got into a flipping car.

They soon pulled up to the front of the hotel and Liam was beyond happy. The atmosphere in the car was getting increasingly suffocating and the smell of gasoline and blood were filling his airways. He was thankful Paul's voice was not echoing in his head anymore but nonetheless he needed to get out of there. He swings open the door jumping out immediately and running up the steps to the hotel entrance. He knew his mother and sister would be having tea in the _India tearoom_. So he walked towards it immediately.

Liam's legs felt like lead as he dragged them along the carpet of this familiar hotel. He felt out of place here now, like it was apart of a different world now and a world to which he would never belong. He felt anxious as he approached the main tearoom. He could see through the glass paned windows it was crowded it looked like some sort of event was going on. He wondered did he have the wrong tearoom because the place and the people inhabiting it looked to be more formal and decorative than usual.

He hated crowds and he has it in mind to turn around and leave the hotel immediately. He could see his mother and sister back at home he reasoned. And he could have some quality time with his father instead. But something inside pulls at him telling him to be brave and just get the whole tea thing over with. That way his mother would have no reason to question his normalcy or accuse him of shutting himself off from the world.

Abruptly he turns around walking back into the tearoom. He hears whispers, bodiless voices of society already entering the fray for some juicy gossip at the sight of him. He truly hated crowds now.

"Is that Liam Connor?"

"No it can't be..."

"But it is him. It is Liam Connor…"

But he held his head high looking onward trying his best to ignore them. He just needed to find his baby sister. She had to be in this society mess somewhere. His eyes scan the room apprehensively looking for both mum and sister.

"Brother!" he feels the familiar hands of his sister wrapping around his waist from behind and he quickly turns engulfing her in a hug.

Liam was truly glad to see his lovely sister Michelle. It had been so long, "Hello sister Liam says rocking her back and forth. He ignores the whispers of the room as they get louder and louder.

"Told you it was Liam Connor."

"He's been gone for two years…"

"Oh yes! But where?"

"…This shall be very interesting."

Liam just rests his chin on his sister's shoulders enveloping her warmth and giving a sigh of relief that she can now be under his protection. Those gossipers did not affect him.

"Where is mother?" he whispers finally.

But before Michelle can give an answer he sees _her_ like a vision gliding in and out of his focus in a crowd of people. He can hardly stop himself staring; the sight of her is breaking his very being. Liam felt as though his heart would explode at any second. This wasn't going to be easy. His eyes roam over her every feature like a habit helpless against all defenses and every sense; Liam was breathing her in like one would the air.

She is laughing, smiling even as gentlemen step forward and extending there hands to a man linked on her arm. Liam has no words to describe that restless monster burrowing in his chest slowly awakening as he sees her touch that other mans chest although it is only briefly that her fingers brush against it. And then her friend Leanne comes to her delicately tapping her shoulder and whispering in her ear. Instantly that raven colored head of hair shoots up those green eyes locking eyes with his instantly. Her mouth slightly opens and if Liam was ever in doubt of how she'd react to him he read her perfectly now. It was all in the eyes…the look that said she loves him and him alone… that she would long for him always. It was a foolish mistake he had made in ever coming back here; he had to leave this hotel immediately.

Releasing Michelle without any explanation he turns for the exit the gossiping voices following him. But the only voice ringing in his ear, the only voice that matter was his own.

_Dear God what a mess I have made, playing with her heart as I have_

He can bare this heartache no more.


	7. Chapter 7

**I apologize for this weak chapter and all the delays but it is the best I could manage. I am struggling from writers block yet again. Thanks for reading as always everyone**

"Well I'll tell you one thing, I'll be thankful when Rob is the one to get married because I won't have to plan for it all as much. With daughters it is always so much work! Everything has to be just so perfect."

"Well just thank God you only have one daughter Sharon. I have two and neither are engaged yet. But there is hope for Leanne and Peter soon. I shall love to plan that wedding and Leanne is sure not to fuss."

Carla was being dragged around by her mother and politely saying thank you to all her guests for attending the engagement gala. It had been a miserable affair for her, but for everyone else it had been a wonderful time. Surely she would break soon, snap out of it and come back to reality once it set in she is selling her freedom away for the reminder of her natural life.

Carla was trying to be optimistic and trying to put things into perspective. Tony was a lovely and handsome gentleman. Every time she looked at him she felt his warmness and genuine good nature. She would often frame her thoughts in a manner that wasn't so helpless. Like for instance all throughout the gala whilst they sat together in the joy of loved ones; Carla would think…could she imagine herself just laughing with him, having children with him, growing old together?

Her mind in the beginning had been so violently against it all. She felt as though she had only said yes because she was being backed into a corner and had only said yes because no one had granted her enough time to jump. Everyone acted like it was a life or death decision with only two options and although Carla had tried her hand in death it was a miserable failure. Now she was faced with the consequences of an intestinal infection and had to count on the guidance of Doctor Foster to see her through it. She was warming up to the Doctor just like she was warming up to the kindness of Tony. He was not Liam, but then again no one would ever compare to Liam. She'd just have to get her mind used to the things she could not change; she'd have to accept that things fall apart sometimes. Liam and her fell apart and now it was time put all the pieces he left together. She could happy again but she would just have to give Tony a proper chance. So she smiled at every little remark said and played the part of an ever-glowing fiancée. It was hard to do however with her mother constantly complaining and gossiping about every little thing.

"Carla is all fuss. I mean first it was the designs for the invitations and then it was the caterers! Don't even get me started on the bridesmaid dresses. I don't even think my daughter has made up her mind on all the bridesmaids yet."

"Well my Leanne will be one of course!"

"Of course Stella. I wouldn't allow for anything else. Leanne will be the maid of honor."

Carla had by now resigned herself to the fact that her mother would be making all decisions when it came to the wedding. She didn't even bother to speak or give an opinion anymore. Her mother Sharon was clearly making all the choices about Carla's own life for her since she was born, why stop now? She hadn't even considered that Carla might want Liam's sister Michelle to be in the wedding party. Things between the two girls had been strained once Liam started ignoring Carla's letters and only answering Michelle's. Carla didn't blame his sister for coming to his defense at this behavior; he was her blood after all. But she felt so helpless and annoyed at Michelle shutting her out and saying that she wouldn't understand what Liam was going through. It made Carla jealous to think about Liam's unconditional love for his sister and how he always had Michelle's back while his love for her was conditional. It existed only on the condition that Paul still be alive and it this all made Carla extremely sad and bitter. She resented Paul for selfishly dying and ruining her relationship with both Liam and Michelle.

When she had sent the invitations out, Carla was surprised to see that her mother had even considered inviting the Connor's to the gala. Although Carla figured it was more out of politeness rather than actual liking. Sharon just couldn't handle anyone talking or spreading rumors about her family so she to put on a front and extend an olive branch. Carla had been so nervous seeing Helen and Michelle upon arrival. Helen was surprisingly warm if only for the reason that Carla whom she considered to be a parasite was no longer entangled with her precious son. Michelle however was standoffish. Carla could tell that Michelle thought she was an absolute traitor in even agreeing to this whole arrangement with Tony Gordon. She refused to see things from Carla's point of view at all. She refused to see that Liam was the one who decided to leave and not Carla. To Michelle it didn't matter because in her eyes Liam was a saint who could do no wrong. All of her attempts to talk to Michelle at the gala had failed so Carla gave up and decided to stick to her own area leaving Michelle to secretly continue hating her from a distance.

"What about Michelle?" says Stella bringing Carla from her thoughts, "Won't she be in the wedding party?"

"Oh heavens no!" exclaims Sharon, "That wouldn't be good for our Carla. This is a new chapter in her life. She needs to get away from that families influence."

"Mother," says Carla disgusted, "They don't influence me! How can you say such things? I adore Michelle."

"Only because of your soft spot for Liam! Hear this now girl, your feelings towards that boy stop now!"

Stella gives Carla a sympathetic look before saying to Sharon, "Give the girl a break. He was her first love—"

"_Was_ is the key word Stella. Now of only my daughter could get that."

"I do," says Carla defensively although she knows damn well she does not believe it, "I do get it mother. I don't love him anymore."

Sharon looked pleased beckoning a waiter over to her and grabbing an appetizer, "I don't think you ever did love him Carla darling. You were too young to know what love was."

As usual her mother was being passive aggressive. She was trying to hurt Carla in anyway she could and Carla didn't understand why she always had to be so mean. Why did she have to act like Liam meant nothing? What did it accomplish in the grand scheme things? It only made Carla upset and bitter. Was this what her mother wanted for her in life? To feel trapped and backed into a corner, to feel like nothing matters; that Liam was just an illusion. She says nothing as always just biting her tongue and trying her best to ignore everything her mother is saying.

"That's a good girl," says Stella, "I was worried about you from what my Leanne has been saying. You never go out dancing with her and the others anymore."

"I'm okay," whispers Carla although her voice is quivering. She is not okay and she is convinced she will never be okay. It was truly a hopeless feeling overcoming her again and the dark thoughts of suicide were sure follow like clock work.

"Darling," whispers Tony. He had appeared out of no where scaring Carla as he placed his hand gently on his arm, "Isn't it time we get going?"

"Where?" says responses confused. Carla has no idea what he is talking about and tries her best to steady her quivering lip. She gives him a dazzling smile, which he returns with great warmth and kindness.

"Just come with me," he states exchanging a knowing look with Sharon before once again beckoning to Carla, "It's a surprise, you'll see if you come with me."

Carla was nervous. She wasn't sure if she wanted to go anywhere alone with him just yet. It was an odd place she found herself in right then unable to stay yet unable to go. She wanted more than anything to be free of her mother and this whole gala at the present but at the same time she didn't want rescuing if it meant at the hands of a man who would soon be her captor.

"Go on Carla," says Sharon instructing her daughter like a child, "Go with your fiancé."

"Yes," says Tony laughing, "You are so adorable Carla. You don't need your mother's permission. Come with me."

He held out his hand and Carla hesitated. She did not want to take it. Again all she could think about was Liam and the first time she held his hand. It had been such a big deal to hold his hand and now this man she barely knew was just expecting her to take his. It didn't feel right but she can feel her mothers eyes boring into her. She'd be expected to do a lot more with Tony so she better suck it up and just do as she told. Her mother would make her pay for not acting more loving. She grabs his hand quickly before she even has time to talk herself out of it and lets him direct her away from her mother into a group of his waiting friends who offer their congratulations

"Congratulations Miss Donovan and you too Tony," says one of his friends.

"She's a catch!"

"I'm a lucky man," says Antony grinning down at Carla, "I know she will make me very happy."

Carla wanted to know why he was confident in saying this. In fact she envied his confidence and certainty. Carla only wished she could be so certain of her feelings for him like he apparently is for her. She wants to say she feels the same if only to appease him but the place she is at right now makes it impossible. She would end up crying if she had to say something she wasn't sure she believed. Instead she delicately places her hand on his chest area. It was a brief gesture and she hoped it cemented her effort as she was trying to get used to the idea one day at time. Slowly she removes her hand as quickly as it came and tries her cards at a demure smile, laughing as his friends continue to tease him as they step forward and shake her hand.

There is tap on her shoulder and the familiar whisper of her best friend Leanne in her ear.

Two words was all it took…

_Liam's back_

Two words was all it took to change her whole world again. Liam was back now and everything else was just falling apart and away so that he could fall right back into place and right where he belonged, with her.


	8. Chapter 8

He preferred to think about her like she was a ghost. It would make it easier for Liam to walk away once he had spotted her in the tearoom and she him. But the way Carla had smiled at him and the way her eyes lit up, it only meant one thing she was still chasing that past, that past which was like a ghost. Liam had already decided it was best to let that past go.

They stared at each other for a while; her stare getting more and more elated with each passing second while Liam's was a stare was one of containment. His eyes flickered uncomfortably between from her and the floor. And Liam felt himself turning red because he had those feelings deep in the pit of his stomach and jolting from within his chest. His mind was battling to keep those thoughts of desire out because he had to stay on track. Carla was better off marrying someone else, he knew this but still the voice in his head like the words from the poem he gave her once uttered in his wake…_I want._

"No you don't," he whispers to himself, "You don't want her. You can't feel like this anymore." He couldn't have her anyways because she was engaged and moving on with her life just like she should be. The only way to go was forward; going forward meant leaving the past behind. So he breaks eye contact and abruptly turns away telling his sister Michelle he would have to see their mother at home. He couldn't be here anymore.

"What?" Michelle says, "But Liam, you just got here."

"I know," Liam says his voice shaking a bit just trying to control his emotions, "But I got to go now. Not feeling that well," he looks over his shoulder and sees Carla detaching herself from her companion's grasp getting ready to come over and greet him. This cannot happen, "Michelle tell mother I'm sorry."

"Liam Connor!" shouts the familiar voice of his dearest friend Jamie Baldwin, "Is that you?!"

"Jamie!" Liam says trying his best to sound enthusiastic. Jamie embraced him in a hug and from the corner of his eye he sees that Carla is still making ready to come greet him. He needed to leave before things got uncomfortable.

"Long time! Where have you been? Two years mate, two years!" Jamie grasps Liam in a bear hug as more friends begin to make there way over, "Michelle has been keeping all your secrets!"

"Leave him alone Jamie," says Michelle coming to Liam's defense though she can't help but laughing, "You haven't missed him too much. You've been getting up to your knees in trouble without Liam."

"Listen," says Liam trying to interrupt the conversation so he can tell them he wants to be, "Listen guys I am going to go—"

"Liam!"

This was not good. More and more of the old circle were coming around. This time it was Carla's younger brother Robert slapping him on the back affectionately. It was too late for him to move away.

"Robert, hey. Look at you, you've grown up so much!"

"And my birthday is coming up soon," he grins, "Gonna be sixteen. You need to come to it. You've missed the last two."

"Well it's good to see you," Liam now smiles deciding it best not to mention Carla. Before he can say anything else more people are tapping him on the shoulder.

"We thought it might be you! You've been gone for two years…"

He tolerated the situation as best he could but Liam knew time was running out and the moment was fast approaching when Carla and him would have to speak again. Now there was no avoiding it. He had just gotten done exchanging brief words with Nick Tilsley when he felt a gentle and familiar tap on his shoulder. He would know those hands, the unique touch and feeling they gave him anywhere. Slowly he turns around and taking a deep breath he smiles. How could he not when she is looking at him with those gorgeous green eyes and enchanting face. He didn't dare speak for he swore that even if he tried to open his mouth to do so, the words wouldn't come out. It was like he was under a spell, so certain of things moments before now he was faced with the true reality of the situation he could not stop these old feelings from taking root in his thoughts…_I want._

"Hello Liam," she says and he cannot help looking at those lips. They were mesmerizing, the softness of them, the way they parted ever so slightly when they uttered his name. And he wanted to kiss them; he had this feeling burrowing in his chest making him feel all warm inside.

"Hello Carla," he finally manages ignoring the fact that tons of people were around them watching their every exchange. He wanted to hug but at the same time he didn't, because he didn't want to make things anymore difficult between them. It wouldn't be appropriate given their history and it would always mean something much more. His eyes flicker between her and the floor again. Liam didn't want to continue staring at her in the manner he was but she looked stunning. Her beauty was so unreal to him. The battle within his mind, the constant struggle reminds him of all he wrote. They were dead; all that they had was over. Things fall apart and there was no point in putting things which were broken back together…just like Paul, he was broken, he was dead.

She is the first one to make a move apprehensively testing the waters and the boundaries between them before finally just stepping forward and embracing him in a hug. It is a very generous hug, full of strength telling him through action that she does not wish to let go of him nor does she ever intend to. And he feels everything he should feel, the things which remind him he is human and that God didn't take his soul the night he had taken Paul's. He needs her to feel strong, to feel anything at all. Like soul mates they are, their hearts appealing to one another, putting the pieces of two years lost back together. Things fell apart so that one day they could fall back together.

"You're back now," she whispers in his ear.

He knows what this means. Carla thinks it changes everything and Liam wished that it had too. But he is no fool; one moment of happiness does not wipe away all the pain. It pains him to be with her as much as it does to be without. Liam remembers how he almost hurt her when he was in that rage, he remembers that monster in his chest growling and the boiling point of which he reached. He couldn't ever do that again. Liam had almost choked her; he didn't even see her all he remembered was seeing the blood and Paul. Liam had to make things perfectly clear.

"_I didn't come back for you Carla,"_ he wants to whisper. It would be cold and cruel but it would get the point across. They couldn't feel these strong feelings toward one another anymore. But he doesn't say anything, he is too much of a coward and unable to let go of what was happening between them. He smiles at her, lost in those beautiful green eyes

"Liam," says the cold voice of Sharon Donovan. She has come to stand behind her daughter and is glaring at Liam like he is an insect ruining all of Carla's chances at happiness. Carla however is glowing unable to stop herself smiling. As they break there embrace she is blushing and Sharon sees this, her daughters desire and is jealous if not even more furious. She snares, "I see you've picked the perfect opportunity to come back into town. What are the chances…I mean on the day of my daughters engagement gala no less."

"Mother!" says Carla disgusted by Sharon's rudeness.

"I had no idea," Liam says his response just as cold.

"Well now you do," Sharon says not taking her cold green eyes off of him for a time. They stare at each other both harboring ill will.

Liam hated Sharon so much; she had never been kind to Carla. He felt she must be jealous of what a beautiful person her daughter was inside and out. She seemed furious that she was not able to break her daughter down and make her just as miserable and unhappy as she was. Sharon was a horrible mother. Liam breaks his staring match with Sharon looking back at Carla; she is still in another world just grinning at him, happy like a child is on Christmas morning.

A tall muscular man with brown hair and dark brown eyes approaches smiling broadly at everyone none the wiser to all the things being thought and spread about in this intimate group. He doesn't even notice Carla lost in a wordless daydream over Liam or the fact that Sharon is shooting darts. Sharon smirks upon this mans arrival.

"You should meet _him_," Sharon says in sugary sweet voice glaring at Liam, "Carla's fiancé.

"Mother—" Carla starts to protest again but her mother puts her hand up to silence her.

"Tony darling, what do they always call you?" Sharon says smiling at him before glaring back at Liam

" Some call me the king of Scotland," he jokes before adding, "Others prefer to call the love of Carla Gordon's life," The man looks adoringly at Carla before extending a hand out to Liam he smiles, " But I prefer a simple Mr. Tony Gordon, how do you do sir?"

"Sir," Liam says unable to feel anything but pure jealousy. The monster that rage in his chest was stirring. And he had brought it all on himself because jealousy could only exist with desire and what Liam desired more than anything would belong to this fellow, "I'm Mr. Liam Connor." They shake hands.

"Nice to meet you. Is he the cousin from the North you were talking about darling?" Tony asks Carla still smiling warmly at Liam.

"N-no," Carla begins but again her mother cuts her off.

"No Tony darling," she says trying to conceal her venomous nature, "He's an old boyfriend of _your_ darling Carla's. Not to worry though, they're ancient history," she said the last part as an underhanded warning.

"I would never worry," says Tony smiling at Carla. He wraps his arm around her shoulder pulling her close to him, "We all have them, those innocent first loves but then you grow up. I trust Carla completely." He kisses her forehead; all the while Carla has not stopped staring at Liam.

"Yes well you are certainly right about that Tony," says Sharon, "They were so long ago it hardly seems to matter anymore."

"Yes well," Tony says uncomfortably. He is trying to ignore the backhanded comments it was obvious Sharon was directing at Liam and trying to stay positive, "Carla darling, I still have that surprise to show you. I was nice enough to let you break away but now I'm afraid I have to put my foot down. You'll have to come with me."

"I wish it could wait," Carla whispers struggling to remove her eyes from Liam. It seemed that if she had a choice she would spend her whole day looking at him."

"It can't. I know you want to stay and chat with all our friends but the surprise cannot wait. We must go—"

"—Yes Carla," adds Sharon, "You must. There are greater things to deal with at the moment."

"Mr. Connor," says Tony extending his hand once more, "Always a pleasure," he turns away now being chatted up by another guest.

Sharon glares one last time before going over to whisper with Leanne's mother Stella who is waiting for all the juicy details. It is now just Liam and Carla again.

"I forgot to say but congratulations are in order," Liam manages.

"You're back now," she whispers again and ignoring his comment completely. She did not wish to waste anytime in telling him how she feels.

"I am," Liam says not wanting to devolve any deeper into where this discussion was headed. It was not a discussion he felt they needed to have nor should they ever. He had no claim on her anymore, no matter how jealous he felt because he had been the one to give her away.

"I—".

"Don't," he whispers gently, "Lets just leave it at congratulations. I'm happy for you and you are very glowing and beautiful. Tony will make you very happy."

"Liam—"

"Carla, come." Tony says turning away from his friend and holding out his hand again for Carla to accept. Reluctantly she does. Although Liam can tell her mind is exploding and she looks resentful at having to do such a thing. She is resentful that Liam has once again made the choice about their future for them. Being steered away by her shoulders she looks back at Liam periodically as her fiancé Tony leads her from the tearoom and further away from him. Carla's look says it all, that this discussion wasn't over.

Liam watches her go and he can't describe exactly what it is he is feeling. He knows that he is numb but at the same time he feels the hurt, confusion, and lust. It was the right thing to do though in letting her go and it was mature. He didn't come back to go chasing the past. Liam came back for his sister, and for his family. Carla would never be safe with him and he would just have to learn to deal with it. He had almost choked her.

He watches as she disappears through the doors and he thinks to himself when will letting go get any easier? When will it not hurt so much? Liam knew he wanted her and that he would always long to be with her. Never would he feel this way about anyone else, it had been that way since they meet. He feels the tears coming and he wants to hold them back.

"So many guys end up with the safe nice girls brother."

Liam turns his head to the side slowly staring into the eyes of his brother Paul. It was like he was there, really standing beside him watching Carla go through those same glass doors. Liam doesn't dare speak, he was used to Paul popping up inside his head from time to time. But this was the first time he had every done so in public.

"You think you're going find that nice girl one day but let me tell you Liam, you'll always have that once in a lifetime girl that got away, thee Carla Donovan who will excite twenty years from now when you daydream about her memory. You could be content, maybe start a family with someone nice. But you'll wonder about things about the man who went so wrong. You'll remember that the best days of your life were with her, that girl who enchanted you as a young man."

"How do you know?" Liam whispers not daring to stare back he looks ahead.

"I don't," Paul, says his blue eyes blazing, "But don't you think it's time you find some peace little brother? "

"I'd only hurt her. She has to get away."

"And you say I'm the one who is broken because I'm dead. But you'll break her if you continue on doing what you're doing. You'll break her to pieces. You've already broken yourself. Just a thought…"

"Things fall apart Paul. Ever since you've gone, everything has fallen apart."

"And just as easily Liam, people find ways back to one another. Mom and dad, they'll be alright and look at Michelle, she's having a baby. They'll be alright and so will you; because slowly we all have to learn to move on. Things fall apart; they break up so that one day they can fall back into place."

"Paul-," Liam is about to protest. It wasn't that easy. He had done horrible things he had blacked out and hurt Carla. He left for a reason, so that he could protect her.

"Things fall apart so better things can fall together," Paul says and then smiling he adds, " Two years already…welcome home baby brother."

And just as quickly as he came Paul was gone again.

"_Welcome home baby brother."_

This was a defining moment, the moment Liam realized he could not let his brother's death be in vain and for nothing. He had come back for a reason.

**Part of Paul's statement at the end was taken from a quote by Marilyn Monroe. It is the part where he says, "Things fall apart so better things can fall together." Just thought it went really well with the theme of the story so I decided to put it in. Anyways thanks for reading.**


	9. Chapter 9

"Carla," shouted Leanne grinning at her best friend as she twirls her newly unboxed bridesmaid dress around, "These dresses are magnificent! If this is what your father is forking out for the bridesmaid dresses I can hardly imagine what your gown will be like."

"I don't know," says Carla she is exhausted from the last couple of days unable to sleep or since Liam returned. She can't help but think about him and now she found herself flip flopping between emotions. Should she go through with the wedding or not? Her father was forking out so much money and her mother was near obsession with every little detail.

"Just imagine how extravagant the wedding dress will be Leanne," croons Sharon before snaring down at her daughter, "Oh try and make an effort Carla darling. You're amongst civilized people not trapped in some obsolete jungle in the middle of god knows where."

"Your mother is right," says Leanne's mother taking a sip of tea and helping herself to some biscuits the housekeeper has set out, "The way your behaving is like this whole wedding is a death sentence. That's not the way to go Carla darling, you should be looking at Mr. Antony Gordon as a godsend! A savior if we are to be honest."

"He is her savior," Sharon's cold green eyes bore into her daughter. Again she is slighting Liam at any subtle opportunity, "Tony is an absolute angel, a true gentleman."

Carla was disgusted and wishes to tell her mother that she is wrong and knows nothing about her feelings. She knows nothing of the countless ways Liam had saved her time and time again, showing her in the time before Paul had died how much she was worth. That confidence was the greatest of gifts she could have received and it killed her that Liam would not let her to the same for him.

"How do I look?" says Leanne's younger sister Eva flouncing into the room wearing her bridesmaid dress. It is a pale gold color with bead adornments coming all the way down past the chest, "Is it too tight mother?"

"Oh it looks fine," says Sharon answering for Stella, "Eva you've always had such a lovely figure. Very nice and delicate, just the way a woman should be."

Another slight, Carla let out another long overdue sigh, Her mother really should just tell her flat out that she thought her own daughter to be very fat and skip the theatrics. It would save plenty of time and energy in Carla's opinion.

"You look simply stunning Eva," Carla smiles up at the girl. She was just around Rob's age and they were fast becoming an item. Carla would be kind to Eva as long as she was always nice to her brother

"Robert is going to be at a lost for words when he sees you!" smiles Stella draining her tea cup, "Oh come here you!" she says holding out her arms welcoming Eva for a hug.

Carla always envied how loving Leanne's mother was with her daughters. Stella could be rather annoying and noisy but she loved her daughters to a fault, no one could make her utter a bad word about either one of them. She was the complete opposite of Carla's mother Sharon in that regard. Carla watches as Stella adorns both of Eva's cheeks with kisses before letting her daughter go.

"Oh Sharon one day it will be my little Eva and your little Robert getting married."

"Not before he goes to Cambridge though!" Sharon announces helping herself to some tea she sits down right next to Carla and begins pouring it into her tea cup in the most elegant of manners, "My Robert well be going to Cambridge before he makes any commitments. It's an absolute must."

Carla knew for a fact that Robert didn't really want to go to Cambridge. Her brother often confided in her that he would like to travel for a few years before pursuing an education. He had also told her more than once he wanted to go to America, possibly Harvard when it came to university. They had a distant cousin or uncle who was an alma mater there so getting in would be easy. Carla wasn't going to let their mother push Robert around like she so often did her daughter.

"You'll have to wait on a wedding for a long time Eva because our Robert wants to see the world before he settles down in school," Carla smirks at her mother satisfied with her momentarily speechless demeanor. It was not often that Sharon had one of these reactions.

"Well this is certainly news to me," she simpers, "But rather stupid because your father wouldn't hear of it."

Stella gives a sigh of relief for she had been holding her breath in shock at the possibility of her and her greatest of friends children not being able to get married. Helping herself to yet another biscuit she says, "Well boys these days, they always get such foolish notions in their heads."

"Not any more so than girls," Sharon glares at Carla letting her know she has crossed a dangerous line, "When girls get foolish ideas in their heads it can only lead to bad things."

"Well you don't have to worry about that now Mrs. Donovan," says Leanne attempting to break the ice. She gives Carla a sympathetic look.

"I suppose not Leanne."

"Now," says Stella glad to have that whole discussion out of the way, "I've heard Dorothy Sutherland bragging on and on about her Maria dating some Italian aristocrat. Apparently he has a yacht."

"Antony and the Gordon's have _two_," says Sharon sipping her tea through pursed lips watching in delight as Stella, Leanne, and Eva's jaws drop at such a revelation. Carla hated her mothers bragging so much, "And he has six homes, two in Britain, one in Spain, a posh little apartment in Paris and might I add a lovely little chalet in Switzerland. Oh and before I forget a lovely little villa in Italy. Dorothy Sutherland can stomach all that and come back for seconds."

"I had no idea Sharon! He's so rich!" Stella squeals gleaming at Carla, "Oh my goodness Carla, your life will be an absolute dream. Can you imagine such luxury?"

"Yes," says Carla not even bothering to pretend she was excited, "But money doesn't mean everything. It doesn't buy happiness—"

"Oh pssh posh! Who needs happiness when you have two yachts? Is the home Spain luxurious? I imagine it must be in Barcelona! I must receive invitations Carla. I am like a dear aunt."

"It is Stella," Sharon says, "Carla will have her honeymoon starting off in Barcelona. And at one point Antony intends to take her away out to sea on his yacht. They won't have any distractions there," she says pointedly once again sneering at her daughter, "I suppose he'll want to stop in Greece. His cousin has a lovely villa there and will want to meet the blushing bride. I don't care how the honeymoon goes as long as my daughter returns in delicate condition."

"Oh yes that is important. Has Antony said how many children he wants?"

"I imagine at least six. He only has one brother so he has expressed to Carla's father plenty of times that he wants many _many_ children."

"Will you excuse me mother?" says Carla curtly. She has had enough of this conversation. The fact that her mother would even allude to sex and what Antony expected of her was mean spirited enough. She just needed to get away. The thought of being with Tony in that way would take some getting used to.

"Why?" says Sharon raising her eyebrow and setting down her tea, "What's wrong with you now?"

"Nothing," says Carla losing patience but it was obvious her mother wasn't going to let her leave without good reason, "I am feeling ill mother. Perhaps it is the topic of conversation," she slowly rises getting ready to bid farewell to Stella, Eva, and Leanne.

"You'll be sure to take your medicine," says Sharon, "If your ill I shall I have to give doctor Foster another call."

"That won't be necessary mother," says Carla. She didn't enjoy the visits one bit, even if she was beginning to relax around him. She just didn't enjoy anything anymore.

"Go and take your medicine Carla," commands Sharon, "And come back immediately. Stella will want to see the gorgeous gift Tony gave you at the engagement gala. And she'll want to hear all about the wedding dress designs. I had to get down on my knees and practically beg her father to let _Lucile_ in London design it. So come back right away young lady"

"Yes mother," Carla says again resigned to all her mothers' authority. She just can't bear it in this room anymore. It was suffocating. Quickly she removes herself from the situation running up the stairs to her room. All she wants to do is cry. She couldn't breathe she was panicking so much. Her life was falling apart and she felt powerless to stop it. All it ever seemed to be nowadays was wedding this and wedding that. No one would give it a rest and all she wanted was a rest, some time to clear her head and get her thoughts together. She needed to see him again she needed to see Liam.

Liam was the only one who would be able to relate; who wouldn't completely misunderstand the turmoil going on inside her head. She felt that he was the only person that knew her, he knew how to make her better, he knew who she was. None of the other people mattered.

There was a knock at the door and before Carla can even utter the words to allow for an invitation, Leanne peeks her head through on the other side.

"Everything all right?" she says smiling at Carla, "only your mother sent me to check on you. She says the medicine shouldn't take so long—"

"Oh," says Carla quickly grabbing for the vile Doctor Foster had given her. She had completely forgotten about the medicine.

"What is that stuff anyways?" says Leanne watching as Carla unscrews the bottle.

"For an intestinal infection," Carla mutters, "But you'll have to ask my father what it is. Mr. Foster says medicine is of no concern for ladies."

"He's right about that," Leanne laughs settling down on Carla's bed and making herself comfortable.

She watches Carla as she takes a few drops on the tip of her tongue swallowing it immediately. It was a bitter concoction but Carla wouldn't complain as long as it made her intestines better.

"So?" says Leanne awkwardly.

"So?" Carla says glancing at her friend pointedly. She knew that tone well. Leanne wanted to pry about Liam.

"Have you seen him since the gala?" Leanne finally blurts out.

"No," says Carla, "You know I haven't. My mother hasn't let me leave the house all week. It is wedding stuff everyday and now Tony's mother is insisting on dinners three times a week and of course my mother is all for it. Every time I leave this house I have an escort making sure I don't go off and do anything stupid."

"As in Liam," Leanne smirks.

"You're vulgar!" says Carla glancing into the mirror and examining her figure. She still can't believe her mother thought her body was fat. Did this mean she would have to start losing weight? Would the dress shop have to get new measurements? She blushes too at the thought of Liam, imagining what it would be like to sleep with him. They had never actually gone that far because they had wanted to wait until they were married, they were supposed to be the ones getting married…this whole situation was killing her.

"You know you want to," says Leanne, "You're not fooling me."

"Not like I can," Carla sighs, "Or even want to. I love Tony."

"Yeah, yeah. You love Tony and I'm the Queen of Sheba."

"Shut up Leanne," says Carla getting flustered. She just didn't want to talk about it anymore.

"Fine," says Leanne smirking, "I was going tell you all the places I've been seeing him. But if you rather I not—"

"What?" says Carla unable to stop herself, "Where have seen him?"

"Mostly when he is just doing boring an uneventful stuff. Like escorting his pregnant sister around town while she does errands. I mean isn't that what her fiancé Dean is for?"

"What else?" says Carla ignoring the last part, "Where else has he been?"

"He has tea with his mother and sister everyday at the India Tea room. And I heard from my ex Jamie Baldwin that he is going to start working at his father and uncles textile company. Him and Jamie went out for drinks together, and supper."

"What was he like? Was he happy?" Carla now flounces over to the bed to eat up her friend's information, "What did Jamie say?"

"Only that he was normal I suppose. His eyes were happy, like when he smiled he actually smiled with eyes as well as his lips. Jamie figures he is over the mourning period now. Which I think is good because he was beginning to be a downer."

"Leanne! He lost his brother. Have a heart."

"Just saying," Leanne huffs before continuing, "Oh and apparently his travels have left him with a love for sailing. And he still loves to collect poems, rather strange hobby if you ask me—"

"No one asked you," Carla snaps ready to defend Liam through thick and thin, "He is sensitive and I think it's adorable."

"And here I was thinking you weren't in love with him. But there is nothing else to say expect that he seems to follow the same routine everyday. He visits his brother's graveside, spends time with his sister, frequents the tearoom and then reads a bunch of boring poems. I don't know when you'll find the time to get him on his own. I assume that's why you want so many details right? To get him on his own?"

"I just want to catch up as friends," Carla lies. She has no intention of ever just being his friend. She wanted Liam back and was letting her mind run wild with all the ways to make this a possibility.

"Friends," says Leanne winking at her, "Of course. Well I can help you with that. Jamie is having a quite little soiree this weekend. I have it under high authority that Liam has been invited."

"Liam would actually go?" says Carla her heart getting all excited.

"Well like I said, Jamie said he was over the mourning period. He wants to start living again, have a little fun, baby steps and what not."

"So he's going?"

"Yes Carla," says Leanne grinning at her friend, "It's only a few people going anyways, nothing big."

"Who?" Carla wanted to know. She hoped there wouldn't be any gossipers who would tell on her if she happened to behave badly.

"Right now, just Jamie, Liam, Jamie's half brother Warren, Warren's girlfriend and you. Because darling you are coming."

"Was there ever any doubt," says Carla grinning right back at her friend. They were partners in crime and Carla was feeling rebellious and very naughty. She would just have to get Liam all alone, maybe get a few drinks in him and then who knows what could happen from there. Then she would be break off her engagement with Tony and be free to be with Liam. It was a simple really because Carla knew exactly what she wanted. And if she wanted Liam well enough all her hopes for them would come true.

"I'll help you arrange whatever you need darling? Like if you need any special lingerie or special champagne, perfume…it will be easy. That boy is defenseless against you and your feminine wiles. He can deny all he wants but I know the truth."

"Just keep Jamie away and occupied will you. Warren will be with his girlfriend so he's no trouble and the parents—"

"-Francesca and Daniel are visiting grandfather Baldwin all this week. We have free reign of Jamie's house. We just have to think of something to tell our mothers."

"And Peter is okay with you spending time with Jamie?"

"What he doesn't know won't hurt him. I reckon the same will go for your Tony."

"You make me so devious Leanne," Carla laughs. She knew it was wrong contemplating cheating on her fiancé; he had been so kind to her but she couldn't help Tony's feelings towards her because she had never felt so strong towards him. The heart wants what it wants, and all her heart wanted was Liam

"We really have to plan it though, your outfit and everything. I mean I know you're still a virgin, so we'll need to practice the art of seduction."

"How hard can it be?" says Carla, "Shouldn't it all just come naturally. And who says we'll even go that far in one night."

"You better!" Leanne orders, "You have to keep him, capture him in your little trap and make him come crawling back for more. Trust me I know what I'm talking about."

"Of course you do," Carla says rolling her eyes, "How many times have you cheated on Peter with Nick now?"

"I'm a poor impressionable lady Carla," Leanne says mischievously raising her eyebrow, "I can't be held responsible for my actions. Especially when us women are so vulnerable."

"Oh behave!" Carla says trying to display disgust but inside she was giddy. She wanted Liam badly, "Tell Jamie not say anything about me going!"

"Of course Carla. I won't tell Jamie you are coming. I don't want to risk him spoiling our fun. I can't wait to see Liam's face when he sees you. Oh dinner will be so wonderful, he won't be able to tear his eyes off of you!"

"I can't wait," Carla utters breathlessly agreeing. The thought of him just a short distance from her at the dinner table, their eyes boring into one another was intoxicating. She couldn't wait to see him, to kiss him and just be with him in general.

There was only so much denying Liam could do before he'd have to admit to what existed between them. He'd have to admit that he wanted the same things. She had seen it in his eyes; Liam wanted her just as much as she wanted him. Her mother couldn't keep them apart, and Carla would rebel against her witch of a mother in whatever ways she could. She would make Liam see the light as well. He would feel all that she felt and he would discover his heart again. Carla jumps off of her bed running to her closet and throwing it open to look at outfits.

"Don't get too excited though," says Leanne says, "Our parents always say we must learn without love. So if Liam gets all difficult just remember you have Tony to fall back on."

"Liam won't be difficult," says Carla. She wants to stay positive, "I know he loves me, he just has to."

"I know, I know. I'm just saying that if you can't make him your husband at least try and make him your lover."

"Are you saying I should just cheat? Cheat while I'm married to Tony, if I marry Tony that is."

"That's exactly what I'm saying," Leanne winks sliding off the bed and walking over to the closet to help her best friend pick outfits.

"I want to be with Liam though," Carla says.

"And you can be," Leanne now grabs a dress holding it up to Carla's figure, "Think about it this way. What difference is there when comparing the love you get from a husband versus that of a lover?"

"One is more duty and the other is more passionate," Carla responds.

"Exactly. It's like the best of both worlds. With Tony Gordon, the man is nice enough that he can offer you some companionship and let you live rather comfortably."

"I could live well off with Liam."

"Yes you could. But your not engaged to Liam now are you. Your mother wouldn't hear of it. She'd make your life hell if you went against her so openly. That's why it's smarter to defy her in baby steps behind the scenes and what not. Just let her think you are the dutiful wife, pull the wool over everyone's eyes. You'll get Tony's adoration and some kids to make him happy. But the passionate love, that once in a life time experience that every woman should experience, you'll get that with Liam."

"What if Liam isn't okay with that? What if I'm not?"

"You'll have to just learn to be won't you? It's the best of both worlds and you can be very happy and very fulfilled. I mean I intend to do the same when I marry Peter. Nicholas will be for my passion filled nights."

"You are horrible," Carla says laughing now going to stand in front of the full-length mirror with Leanne's choice of dress.

"Say what you will but I think it is rather genius. I can't go wrong and Stella wouldn't dare say anything. I'll just make her feel guilty. Eva and I have her wrapped around our little fingers anyways. I'll either have a very long marriage, or a very affair. Hell I may even have both if I'm lucky, but that is way better than having neither. I don't intend to deny myself some form of happiness and neither should you. Our parents try to keep us down all our lives, but we've gotten smarter and keep on finding more ways to outwit them."

Carla doesn't know what to say. But she isn't going to pretend that if Liam jumped at the chance to be with her even after she got married that she would deny such an opportunity. Liam probably thought that her getting married changed everything and up until now Carla thought the same. But if she could be with Liam, there was no telling the lengths she would go through to have him in the end. She would settle for an affair if that meant a step in the right direction. Tony wouldn't have to know until the time was right. And her mother, well her mother could go screw herself as far as Carla was concerned. Sharon seemed more in love with Tony than Carla anyways.


	10. Chapter 10

**This chapter may be a bit all over the place so I apologize. I will probably have to come back and edit because I am always catching more and more mistakes regardless of how much I proofread. Anyways thank you to everyone that reads this story and enjoy the latest update.**

He wanted to approach this day like it was the first day of the rest of his life. Ever since his talk with Paul, Liam was trying to be more positive about things. It was hard and he wasn't going to pretend that it was a struggle but at least he felt as though he was going somewhere, like he was taking a step in the right direction. There were so many times when he had been away for those two years that he had felt constantly stuck and when he took up sailing he often felt stuck in water fighting against the waves as they propelled further and further back into the current, back into the past.

Liam had been unable to shed that event. Wherever he went, Paul followed him, like a ghost, like his other half. And as he began to think about it more and more, why it was that Paul haunted him, seemed to be such a big part of who he was and his identity; it was because people had treated them as though they were the same person their whole lives. They had always been the extension of one another, in the old faded pictures hanging they were always dressed the same, interested in the same things, sharing the same friends. Of course they had been different, Paul was louder and more assertive. Liam had always been the more quite and thoughtful one, but regardless of these clear differences in personality and looks; people viewed them as a packaged deal and so Liam began to believe the same. It was hard trying to shake something that had been so ingrained within his family dynamics since birth.

He stares back at his reflection in the full-length mirror. He had just put on his black tie attire for dinner at his friends Jamie's. He didn't know what to think of the man staring back at him. Was he handsome enough? Did he look happy enough? Was his hair all-wrong? He grabs for his comb to part his hair better, he could be very fussy about things like this even though everyone told him he look attractive without trying.

"Leave it."

Liam looks past his reflection in the mirror in view of his bed. Paul is propped on the edge grinning up at him also dressed in black tie.

"What?" Liam says turning around not knowing how to deal with this encounter. Paul had been visiting his mind and managing to exist outside of it at the same time. It was happening a lot lately and he was beginning to think he was going crazy.

"Leave it. Your hair looks fine. If I was a woman I'd say you'd look absolutely dashing brother."

Liam doesn't say anything at first. He quickly glances at his opened door and decides he better close it before the servants start telling his parents he is talking to the air. He knew they loved to gossip most especially about those who were said to be losing their marbles. Striding forward he closes the door and glances back at the bed half expecting if not hoping Paul would be gone. But he was not; he was staring at Liam with his vibrant blue eyes just making himself comfortable. Liam shakes his head to snap out of it going back to the mirror to adjust his tie.

"You really are coming into your own Lee," Paul whispers his voice so raw with emotion it could make Liam burst into tears.

"Thank you," Liam whispers back, "Am I as handsome as you?"

"Of course if not more," Paul winks before sliding off the bed and walking over to Liam. He places his hand on Liam's shoulder staring at him through the reflection, there identical blue eyes locked with one another.

Liam can't help himself, "Why did you leave us? We need you—"

"Stop that," Paul whispers, "Remember your supposed to be moving forward, supposed to be finding peace. Can't help what's happened, no one can."

"Then why are you here reminding me? If I'm supposed to forget, why are you always around in my mind?"

"You want to understand Liam, that's why you always think of me. That's why I am always in your mind. I'm extension of you, all of you—"

"It isn't the same," Liam says in frustration, "It isn't the same as having you here Paul."

"Remember the story father used to tell us?" Paul cuts him off about Uncle John, him and our Aunt Estella?"

Liam remembers ever since they were little his father and uncle told them all about their younger sister Estella who died when they were all very young. They often got very sad and depressive when they spoke of her, and in his younger years Liam did not understand such sadness not like he did now.

"Yes," he whispers back, " I remember."

The story was simple; the three siblings had spent the whole day together. They had gone to a watering hole against their father's wishes and the water had been too deep for Estella as they swam further out. She had drowned and her death had affected everyone profoundly. It certainly had an influence how Liam's them father had reacted to the death of his eldest son. He didn't say anything for days and days after Paul had died. The first words he ever uttered when he finally found the words to speak were that he never expected it to be Paul that died. Liam had been so offended by this statement, he was already unhinged but his uncle John had sat down and explained to Liam what his father meant.

"_Mother and father sat us down, young boys we were and we didn't fully understand _

_what death was yet, not completely anyways. But nonetheless father he explained to your father and I as best he could that with Estella this was how the world works; one of us dying was inevitable from the start. It wasn't going to be the oldest child, because that's what everyone expects, it's the death that they can handle. Not the middle child because they always reckless and buying time to find their this place in the world. But it has to be the youngest, always the youngest, because the youngest is the one no expects. They are the youngest brightest, the ones that everyone cherishes and bends over backwards to protect. The youngest is the most honest with who they are, the most genuine and good…"_

…The youngest is destined to die for a life, a cause, a reason because they are simply too good not to die young, "Liam whispers, "You don't really believe that do you, what uncle John always said? If he were right, if grandfather were right it would Michelle this time."

"But it was me, "Paul says, "It had to be me. And one day you'll see why. But for now, I believe you have a dinner party to get to."

"You annoy me Paul," Liam says, " I hate cryptic."

Paul shrugs his shoulders and there was a knock on the door. Michelle pokes her head in smiling at him.

"Whom are you talking to?" Michelle says glancing around Liam's room suspiciously.

"No one," Liam says quickly smiling at his little sister. Paul was now gone, "Is everything okay?"

"Oh yeah," Michelle says striding over to his bed and plopping down in the exact spot Paul had been sitting. She was slowly starting to show through her dressings, the baby bump was getting big, "I'm just so tired and bored."

"You should come with me to Jamie's dinner," Liam grins, "I am sure he wouldn't mind."

"I wish I could, but I can't. Father won't let me because the doctor demands I rest. And besides Dean is coming over, father and uncle John would like to speak with him."

Liam hated Dean. He hated that boy for getting his poor vulnerable sister pregnant and continuing to treat her poorly after the fact. He thought this whole engagement was a bad idea, but his mother insisted it be done to protect the family honor. However Dean had a horrible reputation about town and would bring nothing but dishonor to Connor family. Not only was Dean a drunk, but he was also a womanizer with horrible work ethic. Liam knew exactly what his father and uncle intended with the meeting. They were going to give Dean a job at their textile factory so that he'd at least have a steady job by time the baby was born. Liam didn't think it truly mattered because the Connor's would all be be banning together to help with Michelle's child once it was born. Liam was against giving Dean a job as was his cousin Tom but they're concerns had been shut down. Now all Liam had was regret for not staying. He wished that he could have protected Michelle more and kept an eye on her so she wouldn't have gone running to bad boys like Dean Hewitt. He would try his best to protect her because like Paul and uncle John said, the youngest was always the most cherished, adored, and the one who was full of life and promise. He wanted only the best things in life for his dear sister.

"Is he staying for dinner?" Liam says going to his closet and retrieving his dress coat and scarf for the outside.

"Father demands it. But I don't want Dean to be mad at me for it later."

"Screw him," says Liam irritated. He did not understand the hold such an unsavory character had over his sister. But he prayed to God that the spell would one day be broken and she'd be free of him, "He is useless."

"He is not!" Michelle says caught off guard by Liam's bitterness, "He's just in a rough place right now. He has no idea what to do about being a father, he's still young."

"You're young! He's twenty one, infact he is a month older than me. He's had ample time to find a job and get himself together," Liam gives his sister an exasperated look. He felt his anger rising again, "I don't know what you see in him Michelle, if we are being honest!"

"And I don't know what you _don't _see in Carla!," Michelle retorts hitting him where it hurt. She got up in a huff her brown eyes glaring at him, "She's perfect in everyway and yet you still don't give her any credit—"

"It's complicated," Liam says caught off guard, "And it's besides the point. We're not talking about Carla, we're talking about you and Dean."

"Well maybe I don't want to talk about him—"

"Michelle calm down. Can't you see I am just being a concerned brother? That boy is bad news. He doesn't even act like a proper adult."

"You're one to talk! And you know nothing about how he is! You don't know him as you have been gone two goddamn years and only heaven knows where."

"Michelle listen," says Liam shocked by her anger. Perhaps he would just drop things.

"No you listen Liam," Michelle glares, "You were gone two years! You ditched family and you ditched Carla. Maybe everyone else is okay with it, but I'm not. I visited Paul everyday, talking to him and telling everything I felt. Mother didn't want to deal with me, and father put all he had into work. I had no one but Dean, NO ONE! All the times I visited Paul, I often thought you might as well have been buried right next to him, you abandoned us!"

"Michelle," says Liam her words really tore through him breaking his heart. He had no idea she felt this way. He thought she understood he needed to get away, that it had been for the best, " I felt so broken. I wrote you, Michelle. It's not like we didn't keep in touch—"

"And I was grateful for those letters. But it just wasn't the same! And Carla, she used to come over her crying about how you stopped writing. She used to want to always get her hands on mine. Do you know how horrible it felt sticking up for you? How horrible I feel for blaming her about Tony Gordon?"

"What do you mean blaming her about Tony Gordon?" Liam says trying his best to reach for his evading sister and calm her.

"I mean Carla practically held out on his marriage proposal for three months! He wrote her every week pressuring her and pressuring her! And then her mother, well she was well broken by time Sharon Donovan was done with her."

"I'm sorry," Liam, says blinking back tears, "I didn't know… I didn't think."

"Well," whispers Michelle tears streaming well past her cheeks, "Now you know and now you can think! You weren't the only suffering, everyone else suffered in their own way too! And maybe if you weren't so stubborn with things like Dean and Carla you would eyes and see every ones got issues too."

"What can I do to make it up to you? How can I make things right?" Liam says feebly. He knew she was speaking the truth about Carla, it was like Paul had said he had broken her.

"You can stay of my relationship with Dean," Michelle says calming down now. Her voice was steady and concise, "And maybe just maybe I can depend on you to make peace with Carla. It's because of you after all that we no longer speak."

And with that Michelle shakes her head fed up with the sight of him it seems before making her exit to the door and leaving him in silence, guilt and thoughts of Carla. There was nothing new about this beginning, he felt doomed and destined to be without peace forever. He turned his head back to the bed where Paul sat also speechless.

"The youngest is the most precious?" Paul jokes, "Not with that behavior," he smirks, "I sure as hell don't think so."

"Go away Paul," Liam mutters. He was so shocked at Michelle's outburst that he hadn't realized the anger-taking root. He was boiling mad, just angry like he could hurt someone or something. He felt resentment and he knew it was wrong but he blamed Paul for this, it was horrible, but he held his own brothers death against him. It had taken Liam from all the things he wanted, the person he could have been, it had taken Carla.

The next moments are a blur, all of what happened was a blur he was just going through the motions. He wanted to get out of here, to get back that part of him he had been searching for, two years he had spent searching for that part of him that was lost and what did he have to show for it. His eyes drift over his window and the curtains, blooming from the wind and the chill. He knows what he has to do, and what he wants to do. He knows what he wants, her voice is calling to him; the only thing that can make him feel human again.

Liam's body scales the familiar scape of her house, he hoists himself up further and further until he is at her window. He doesn't know what he is doing there and he knows it isn't a good idea, but if he could just be with her for a few moments then maybe he could learn to let go, he could learn how to be human, to truly recover that part of him he has lost. She would understand because she got him like no other, she knew who he really was and who he could be.

With a poem tucked away in his coat, like old times, there little tradition he taps gently on her window. She looks around her room, having been gliding back and forth in fancy evening attire looking for the source of the sound until their eyes lock. And then there is a smile, a faint smile but a smile nonetheless as she rushes forward and slides up her window.

"Liam?" Carla says her green eyes dancing as she helps pull him up through the window and into her bedroom, "What's wrong? What happened?" her look has turned to concern, "What are doing here?"

"Yours is the only place I wanted to be," he whispers on the verge of tears, "No one else would understand."

"Understand what?" she whispers.

And he can feel her heart pounding in her chest. He wants her, and should have never left her.

"Understand what Liam?" she says grabbing for a handkerchief to greet his eventual tears.

"How hard it is to see you and act like I don't love you. I'm tired, I'm so tired—"

She doesn't wait for him to finish. There lips are upon each other and it feels so good, like it has been way too long. And any guilt he feels, Liam quickly pushes away. He was tired of denying himself happiness; tired of being held to guilt and promises he did not wish to keep. Liam did not wish to stay away from Carla anymore and all he could do was lose himself in the moment. The way she held his fingers in hers, and there bodies pressed against one another, he felt like they were lost parts coming back together.

_"Things fall apart so better things can fall together."_

It was like Paul had said. Things would be different this time and he would better to Carla this time around. Liam wouldn't let things fall apart


	11. Chapter 11

This is what she wanted; this is all Carla ever dreamed of. She didn't want to ruin this moment; to be able to kiss him until their lips were bruised and they both couldn't breath until it was absolutely necessary. Maybe it was her young age and naivety, but Carla simply couldn't see herself loving Tony Gordon in this way, ever kissing him like she was kissing Liam right now and therefore she was certain that everything she felt for Liam was true. Liam Connor was the love of her life and she just hoped that he was finally starting to realize this fact too. They were magnetic.

"You're trembling," he murmurs in her ear, "Are you cold?"

"No," she says meekly, "Just nervous."

His smile is shy and his eyes so stunningly blue they send shivers through down her spine. And she wonders; what is he thinking? Is he confused about his feelings or is he certain? She wonders what could have brought him here to her finally after all this time. Was it love for him? Or was it something that reminded of him of feelings, feelings not yet so? Was he struggling to understand feelings he still couldn't truly access. She didn't want to rush, she wanted to be cautious and although she would love nothing more then to fall apart in his arms and cry hysterically at the thought of them being together, she had to know for sure. They kiss again more passionate this time, she felt more inflamed by his touch, delirious and ready to rip his clothing off but these nagging thoughts of doubt are building up in her head and she cannot focus on the wonderful moment in front of her, truly appreciate it for all it is until she can be certain; certain that if she defies her mother and gives everything to be with him it will be worth something. She didn't want to be his regret or regarded as his moment of weakness. Carla wanted this moment to mean the same things for him as they meant to her. She breaks there kissing his eyes searching hers in confusion he tries to get back into it, but she holds her hand to his chest stopping him.

"Wait," she says talking control of the situation, "Just a pause for a moment."

"What?" Liam says breathlessly, he looks confused lost like a helpless puppy who just wants to go back to kissing her, "What is it?"

"Nothing," she starts off slowly trying to collect her thoughts so she doesn't come off like a fool, "I mean nothing really…I, I just have a question for you." Carla turns away from him briefly frustrated at her jumbling of words. But she doesn't want to give the wrong impression, like she didn't want what was happening so she turns around to face him again.

"Shoot," he says quietly, "Go for it. Ask me anything."

"It's not just any question Liam. So if I ask you it, this question and you…well if you answer it right, truthfully I mean; it could mark the start of a whole new beginning for us—"

"Just say it Carla. Just ask me."

She noticed that he looked to be the one too overly confident in this whole situation. Had he not been the one that closed himself off from this world for two years? He should be nervous about what she was going to ask. But Carla guessed he was no fool, because he knew she was under his spell. Still she had to make it known that she was giving up a future, one mans vow of commitment for another who was yet to make such a promise. She had to have rules, some grounds to let him at least know that his actions had hurt her.

"I can forgive missing you everyday for the last two years. I can forgive the fact you needed time, but you have to answer me this," her heart was beating; this was it, "Do you love me? And before you answer, I want to think about the past two years, about why you stopped answering my letters. I want you to really think about all the reasons you ever thought you could not—"

"Carla—"

"I've got a fiancé Liam, I got a fiancé waiting for me… wanting to build me a home, a life—"

"Carla—"

"Let me finish," says Carla holding her ground, "I mean the question isn't all that surprising for me to be asking, nor should it be a surprise that I want to know; because the fact remains that whatever Tony Gordon may be; he has never made me feel abandoned. I need to know that you won't let me down," she can feel her emotions getting the better of her, she is about to cry waiting for what seems an eternity before he answers.

His blue eyes were watering in sight of her pain having finally been forced to realize the gravity his actions have had on her life. His voice shook with anguish as he spoke, an anguish strong enough to spilt souls; spilt the earth itself, "I didn't want to burden you…I didn't understand," he doesn't how to put to words what he is feeling but Carla admires his determination to continue. He realized that he owed her an explanation, "I didn't understand what was going on inside of me Carla. I still don't understand it... I don't know how I'm suppose to act…after what I saw…and I hurt you. I had to leave."

"You didn't have to leave," says Carla in a gentle whisper, "I would've helped you. I would've helped you along the way. You were safe with me…you'll always be safe with me. "

"I could have hurt you…I choked you. Don't you understand how horrible that was? You were anything but safe! You'd never would be safe it I didn't get away, if I didn't clear my head. I don't even know if you're safe with me now."

Carla was frustrated. She hated how hard he was on himself, how he blamed himself for everything, for Paul, for her. Why couldn't he respect her enough to let her make a decision about what she wanted?

"I know you didn't mean it then. Liam, I know you didn't mean it that day. That wasn't you. Don't let that moment define you"

"Who are you to say?" he whispers "There were two…two people _are_ battling inside of me, trying to take control of things now because neither of them were in control that night; neither could take the wheel."

"You were the backseat, Liam. You couldn't possibly have taking control of the wheel. You couldn't have gotten to Paul. I wish you'd stop torturing yourself. I wish you would remember how good you are."

"Why do you think I came here, Carla?" the tears are starting to well in his eyes, "I want to remember _him_ too; that person I used to be. I want to get the part me I lost that night back," he starts to walk towards her determined to see his through no matter how difficult, " I want to know that it's possible for happiness to exist in the same space as sadness, that one won't win out over the other every time... I want to remember us," he was breaking now his voice crumbling, "And sometimes I don't know if I can…if I have it in me…"

She was hugging him once more wrapping her poor arms around this pitiful creature she loved so much. Her mind wondering that question it had often wondered over and over..._ What happened to you, Liam…_what had happened to the man she loved? She holds his head letting his tears soak the shoulder of her dress. She sways with him, trying her best to soothe his tears.

"Of course I love you," he finally manages, "I love you so damn much I don't know to do with myself most days," he looks up at her now the tears dying on his face and his breathing calming, "Sometimes I'm very much afraid I won't be able to do much else but love you Carla."

There were no words to put into action that could describe the happiness she felt in hearing him finally say it to her, to confirm his feelings once and for all. He loved her, he loved her and that's all that clouded her head at the moment. It was all that mattered and so what if he left; Liam had comeback. That had to count for something. She wanted to scream from the rooftops because now there was no question at all about the situation; Carla would not marry Tony Gordon, not ever.

They smile shyly at each other still rocking back and forth, their foreheads pressed together as they savor this moment. This was special as it could be their defining moment, something they could share one day with their future children and grandchildren; the moment everything changed. He closes his eyes enjoying the touch of Carla's hand lightly grazing his cheek; she had never seen a man look so handsome as he.

"I have something for you," he says suddenly opening his eyes and grinning at her, "I wonder if you remember it?" He reaches into his coat pocket pulling out a crumbled piece of paper and handing it to her.

Carla smiles out their tradition…he remembered; it had to be a poem. He had given her so many over the years and she had kept them all so she would keep this one too. He smiles but as she slowly starts to unfold the piece of paper Liam stops her ushering for her to follow his lead and come stand with him in front of her full length mirror. She is intrigued and just happy that everything has been cleared up and that he is smiling again, Carla follows his lead wondering what this is all about.

Carla hated looking at herself in the mirror lately; she was beginning to let her mothers words about supposed weight gain get to her. Carla thought maybe she was getting fat, she could practically hear her mother lecturing to her right now…

"…_you will never be as lovely, as beautiful, or skinny as you are now. You will never be as fortunate to land a match like Tony Gordon again! You ought to start watching your looks young lady…"_

She hoped that whatever Liam had planned he would get it over with quickly because standing in front of the mirror looking at her figure which she felt look fat next to his lean and muscular was not making her feel good right now. She felt he looked to perfect whereas she was feeling like a whale; damn her mother. His blue eyes scan over her in the mirror smiling as he wraps his hands around her waist.

"Close your eyes," Liam whispers resting his chin on her shoulder.

"Why?"

"Because I said so," he says his eyes are glowing like he is anticipating something. Liam can barely hide his excitement, "And you have to keep them closed, okay. And you have to keep quite."

Carla does as she is told; allowing herself to stand in suspense and wonder what this is all about. She was still holding the piece paper; a poem she hadn't gotten to read yet. Carla feels the gentleness of his breath as he begins to whisper in her ear.

"Do you remember this?" he whispers and then begins to say,**"**I loved you, Atthis, years ago…"

Carla felt a jolt in her stomach as she excitedly remembers that old poem; she always would.

"…When my youth was still all flowers and sighs, and you_ -_ you seemed to me such a small ungainly girl. Can you forget what happened before?"

She felt his hands caressing different parts of her body, teasing her with his delicate touch. Liam was seducing her, his voice was so soft; his breath hot and moist it sent tingles and shivers through her body. Carla felt his fingers graze her collarbone; she wishes he hadn't make her promise to keep her eyes closed.

"If so, then I'll remind you how, while lying beside me, you wove a garland of crocuses which I then braided into strands of your hair. And once when you'd plaited a double necklace from a hundred blooms, I tied it around the swanning, sun-licked ring of your neck…"

His lips brushed against her neck. This whole thing whatever it was, it tantalized Carla. It was romantic, very loving. Liam's hands had moved to her breasts and she didn't know how long she could go without not at least kissing him. Carla can't help but gasp as she feels his hands move down lower raising up her dress so he feel her bare skin. She did not need any reminding of how his touch felt now that it was reaching new boundaries.

"No holy place existed between us then…"

The fullness of Liam's fingers slid beneath her underwear going where no one else had ever gone before and making his words ring true. It was the most erotic moment of Carla's life. Slowly she was starting to lose control feeling a warm flush come over neck and wondering if he say it; all that he was doing to her.

"…no woodland, no dance, no sound…"

There was no hope for that, no hope that Carla wouldn't make a sound. She didn't even care if the housekeeper heard. Carla began to moan, as she brushed herself against him wanting to feel him more. She hadn't even had sex, not ever but if it felt anything like this she could do it all day. He uses his free hand to hold her in place against him and hold her still so he can better work.

"Beyond all hope…"

But she was beyond on all hope now, Carla felt herself pushed to highest threshold of this heavenly feeling.

"…I prayed those timeless days we spent might be made twice as long.."

She prayed for this too, she didn't wish for this to end. She felt his breathing getting thicker and deeper along with hers, from all the hard work he was doing. His one hand sweaty as it clung to the fabric of her dress, trying his best to make sure Carla doesn't let go. How badly she wanted to, how badly she just wanted to have some release; to at least be able to kiss him.

"…I prayed one word; I _want_."

I want, that was all she needed. Carla couldn't pray anymore. She had been gripping that piece of paper so hard, but now she let it drop to the floor getting lost in the thralls of passion. She practically attacked him, surprised that she wasn't at least a bit nervous about what they were doing since she was a virgin and all. But Carla was caught up in the moment, not caring about her mother and all the warnings about waiting before marriage or threats dragged to the parish priest. She wanted to do it with Liam right now no matter how reckless it seemed when both her parents and brother were at home at this very moment.

Her hands were reaching feverishly for his belt buckle in between kisses, ready to give it up to him and not caring at all about her fiancé. Leanne was right, it was easy to cheat on Tony but Carla reasoned it wasn't really cheating because soon enough she'd be breaking off that engagement anyways.

There was a knock at the door and immediately her and Liam stop kissing. Their eyes each mirroring the others are full of fear that someone may have heard them. Carla was ready to ignore the whole thing and just go back to kissing. She didn't want anyone to ruin what she felt was much deserved gift after being separated for two years; she was almost thinking like Leanne would, entitled to it. But then whoever it was knocked again. Finally Carla accepts the seriousness of the situation that they may be caught and quickly she rearranges her dress and motions with her hand and mouthing for Liam to quickly hide in her closet. Taking one glance in her mirror she fixes her hair.

"Miss Donovan," said the voice of the family housekeeper Anne," Miss Donovan are you in there?"

"Yes just a moment Anne," says Carla making sure Liam was well hidden before going to the open the door.

The housekeeper stood in the company of her best friend Leanne who was all smiles, dressed and ready to go to Jamie Baldwin's dinner party. And not far behind her stood Carla's mother Sharon; a look of suspicion plastered on her face as she steps forward pushing Carla's door aside and inviting herself into he daughters room.

Poor Carla had not been so quick or good to hid everything as well as Liam though, the poem he had given her still lay in the place it had fell; out in the open on her bedroom floor. Sharon noticed though; Carla's mother noticed everything.


	12. Chapter 12

**I want to say a big thank you to my twitter Canuck buddy dipdipmyblueship for all the dialogue brainstorming just help in general that you gave me with this chapter. Now I'm just glad to have finished it finally :)**

**Thank you as always to all my readers. Enjoy this update**

There was no hope in focusing on dinner; his patience was wearing thin as he felt an increasingly growing need to be with Carla again. They would steal glances at one another from across the dinner table and whilst everyone else was busy in conversations, loud and boisterous and of the mouth; theirs was a silent one pertaining to matters of the heart.

He couldn't help but look at her and not think what she would look like completely naked, he had been so close to undoing her clothes, undoing her everything completely until they were so cruelly interrupted by her mother and Leanne. Still Liam's lips were moist with the words so delicately whispered in her ear…_I want_. That image of her was now burnt into his mind, as he watched her in the reflection witnessing first hand what it was like to break her, to let her lips sing again. He experienced that uniqueness, the bareness of her folds; nothing could compare to how it felt to touch and be touched there for the first time. As he watched his fingers slide in and out of her knowing that he was pleasuring her, Liam felt like he would cry because it became clear to him then that this wasn't the extent of his capabilities or the limitations of how he could love; he'd have a lifetime of different ways in which to love her.

Clasping the top of his wine glass and bringing it seductively to his lips, Liam could not drink enough for his mind was incapable of banishing any of all thoughts of her. And he wondered perhaps if this was now the part lost finally coming back, telling it was okay to feel good things once in while. Perhaps it served as a reminder that happiness walks hand in hand with sadness as life does with death for all time. So Liam began to feel a bit stronger as looked Carla, allowing himself to give into the idea of things, to give things a chance. Because in spite of the horrible things he had seen, things that most people couldn't even comprehend he could no longer wish for himself an early death. It was simply too painful now, to think of a world were he would die and tommorrow she'd be someone else's lady.

"Heavens," murmurs Leanne interrupting Liam's thoughts. She was sitting next Carla and had been smirking at her friend for the entirety of dinner, "Look at you, you're blushing! Isn't she blushing everyone?"

"I'm not," says Carla still not having removed her eyes from Liam as she takes a generous sip of champagne.

"Or yes you are," says Jamie Baldwin having been seated at the head of the table as this evenings host his eyes had the luxury of being privy to everything, "You're blushing quite profusely Carla. I'd say Liam is as well.

"Do you two kids have anything you'd like to share?" Leanne says working off of Jamie's banter her voice laced with teasing and innuendo.

Leanne knew full well what was going on but always had a propensity to embarrass Carla in public places. It wasn't really appropriate and although Liam knew no one would tell, he felt it wasn't right until Carla was officially broken up with Tony Gordon.

"Yes," says Jamie's his half- brother Warren now joining in on the fun and games, "Any escapades to inform us about Carla? Any extracurricular activities keeping you up late at night darling? You look a little tired...perhaps you need to be catching up on sleep anyways," He gives her an all knowing wink.

"Be quite Warren," Liam says quickly coming to the defense of Carla but at the same time he is trying to suppress a grin as he bits down on his bottom lip. He couldn't wait for this dinner to end so he can get her alone and all to himself.

"Oh look at that face!" says Jamie pointing at him, "I imagine a smile so big must be full of many secrets."

"I think that's what people say about big hair Jamie," Leanne says raising her eyebrow and smirking, she had been drinking quite a lot more than every else and was beginning to get tipsy. Turning her attention to Liam she looked him dead in the eye and said, "Surprise surprise Liam Connor is being a killjoy yet again...somethings never change."

The atmosphere of the table changed considerably. There was a deafening silence as Carla glared at her best friend and Jamie, Warren, and Warren's girlfriend Candice all shifted uncomfortably in their seats. Liam was not surprised though it was just like Leanne to be a bitch and shit stirrer. Every since the day he had first met Carla, Leanne had been incredibly possessive and rude when it came to 'looking' after her best friend

Jamie gave Liam a sympathetic look before looking at Leanne in a matter that parent would when about to scold a child, "Now Leanne, you are being unfair. Have a heart...Liam's been through a lot these past few years."

Liam glance at Carla who looked visibly uncomfortable and her face no longer glowing with the happiness that had marred it only seconds ago. And Liam silently cursed Leanne for ruining what had been a smooth evening and taking that happiness from her. He felt a slow burning anger simmering in him and it was taking all the strength in the world not to lose control of himself, not to let himself give way to the darkness. But Liam was determined to keep the peace Carla, he was determined to try.

"And he reminds us everyday," whispers Leanne in ice cold voice. Her tipsy behaviour could only be blamed for so long. But Liam knew that right then she was speaking from the heart; telling everyone how she truly feels about him.

Liam placed his wine glass down slowly on the table and look at her purposively. If she had something to say she better get on with it because she was wasting air, space, and all the time that could be better spent alone with Carla, "If you got something to say, I suggest you say it now."

"She's got nothing to say," spits out a frantic Carla, "And even if she did she'd know better than to be spewing mean things out now."

"Oh gosh Carla," Leanne says taking a generous sip of champagne, "It's the elephant in the room. How can you expect people not to address it? You're stepping out with Liam and you're engaged to Tony Gordon...people are going to talk."

"He's amongst friends her though," says Jamie combatting Leanne at very corner, "None of us here are going to talk about anything," and looking at Warren and his girlfriend Candice says, "Are we guys?"

"Not a word from me," says Candice smiling at Liam sympathetically.

"Nor me," adds Warren, " Because there's nothing to say; because nothing has happened... we're just old friends catching up at dinner."

Liam was grateful for the support and that others were not going to entertain Leanne's antics. He felt that she was one to talk. She had cheated on Jamie herself countless times when they were going out and she continued to do the same to her current boyfriend Peter Barlow. Leanne was the last person who should be judging him and Carla for following their hearts when she constantly did the same with Nick Tisley. Liam despised her but tolerated her because she was Carla's friend. Out of respect for Carla he was trying to keep his cool. But maturity wasn't enough for Leanne; she was too much of a child to act civilized.

"You know Liam, Carla's mom never liked you...I admit i didn't like you much myself when we first meet."

Carla let out a gasp; the mere mention of her mother and all the horrible feeling such a person encompassed was enough to upset her, "Leanne-"

But Leanne ignored and Liam thought to himself, hell he had to stand up for himself if the likes of Sharon Donovan was now the model of measurement in which people now assess others like ability. It was ridiculous, "I think you'll find the feeling is mutual, for Sharon and you both."

"See?" says Leanne looking around at Carla, "He's such brooder. Now don't tell me that's the sort of man your mother wants in your life."

"Stop it! Why are you acting like this Lea! Leave him alone," Carla was becoming increasingly upset her voice beginning to shake. Tears were soon to follow.

"This is what he wants," responds Leanne immune to Carla's tears, "He want's everyone to be all serious. He wants you to coddle him," turning back to Liam she mocks, "Why so serious, Liam? You never lighten up do you...just constant brooding."

"LEA!" shouts Jamie, "You're being a bitch!"

"You're only noticing this now?" Liam hears Warren mutter sarcastically under his breath to his own girlfriend and it makes Liam want to laugh if only this situation hadn't been so damn pathetic.

Liam had to smirk at the stupidity of it all. Who was this idiot woman, thinking her opinion mattered to him or anyone for that matter? Calling him a brooder when she new nothing about his situation at all, nothing at all about the true extent of pain he had suffered, "I lighten up around people who are worth my time Leanne; which is probably the reason you've never seen me as such. In case your hard of hearing that means your not worth my time." The insult was worth it just to see her mouth drop for a fraction of a second or two. She was probably having trouble comprehending since she was such a flipping idiot.

"See?" she says looking pointedly at the other members of table and flicking her fingers, "Brooder."

That was it; Liam had had enough. The anger was slowly starting to rise him and he had to put her in her place, "You're the expert on such things darling. I know of another brooder...Peter Barlow; does his name ring a bell? He broods a lot too...it must be the mutual company we both keep. What do you think about that Leanne?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Liam!" she says in her usual huff although she knew full well, "But I suggest leave my boyfriend out of this! In fact I suggest you shut up and take a _back seat_!"

Liam's mouth closed immediately. And Leanne smirked triumph because she realized the effect her words had had on him; the gravity and context in which she used them.._.back seat. _He had been in the back seat when the accident had occurred and Paul had died; Leanne knew this, everyone did and that's why everyone gasped and went pale. Poor Carla didn't even look capable of registering the cruelty of the jib. He thought to utter how dare she? How dare she says such things? Did she ever think when she opened that gob? Did she realize the effect her words had on others? Liam knew for certain that she did; and that's what make him sicken by her even more. She knew all this and that was what made his anger stop for a fraction of a second on it way to the top as he threw down his napkin paled and whispering in a contorted voice...the voice of that angry thing living inside of him, "What did you just say?"

She was undeterred "I said take a back seat!" so vindicative Leanne was she didn't stop there, "Maybe everyone else is afraid to tell you what they think, but i'm sure as hell not! And for good measure I should remind you Carla's getting married and it's not to YOU!"

Carla burst into tears at this moment as everyone else let there disapproval be known. But it was too late and although Liam wanted nothing more than to comfort Carla, his chest was exploding. The monstrous anger had won out, he threw back his seat standing up and giving Leanne the look of death he choked back hot tears of anger, "What the hell do you know about what I've been through? You have no idea what i've seen, what it was like in that car!"

"Ignore her mate," says Jamie rising up and trying to grab Liam by the shoulders to calm him down.

But all Liam saw was red, Carla was crying all he saw was blood and that smell...the leg, the leg he had been so selfishly allowed to see. Leanne knew nothing, she understood nothing. He shook his head in anger shooting daggers at her. He wanted to destroy her, literally sweep in like death and end her because such horrible creatures did not deserve to live, "But what would you understand?" he says going in for the kill, "You wouldn't understand anything deeper than a puddle," And taking himself away from Jamies grasp he whispers, "You're just a Manipulative. Psychotic. Bitch."

Carla was in hysterics now having given up a while ago on stopping the peace. Liam watched as Warren's girlfriend got up rushing over trying to comfort Carla as best she could. Some best friend Leanne was,he thought. She had done this to Carla, this was all her fault.

"And you're a manipulative psychotic prick!" she screams, "Oh yeah, yeah everything is just so hard for Liam. You like to milk things, mopping around town all day...wanting Carla to pay attention to you," she switches into maniacal baby as she begins to mock him " You're transparent. It's all 'ooh Carla, look at me Carla. I'm so sad, poor little me'...pathetic. IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS, MAYBE IT'S TIME YOU GOT ON WITH IT! And as for understanding things? I understand perfectly," Leanne threw back her chair rising up and pointing at Liam; now it was Warren's turn to hold somebody back. "My _best _friend spent nights and nights just crying over you! You have no idea what you both Carla through and who was left to pick up the pieces!"

Liam let out an incredulous laugh, "Aaah...the world according to Sharon Donovan, I see. She's done a good job of convincing you Leanne! What is it 'how to lose friends and emotionally abuse your daughter'? If you truly cared about your best friends feelings, you wouldn't be airing all her private matters at a table full of her acquaintances. You'd keep your mouth shut about things which don't concern you."

"Carla's future is a concern of mine, thank you very much. I've been her dearest and oldest friend since our days in the nursery! You came later in life, so it is no concern of yours!"

He wasn't going to entertain such antics anymore, "If you're her friend then stop being Sharon's little sidekick," his voice started to crumble then just thinking about all that Carla had suffered, all the nights he had spent cuddling her on his bed trying to stop those tears from falling, "I know what her mother has done. I know all the horrible things said. And if you think for one second that that is love; how a mother protects their child, then you know nothing about human kindness and you know nothing about LOVE!"

"I've witnessed all the things you've said as well!" retorts Leanne breaking down and starting to cry from this draining shouting match. Warren himself looked exhausted from holding her and wore a expression of 'fuck all' as he finally just released her so she could finish her piece, "You hurt Carla! You hurt her a lot!"

"I'm not the villain of this piece! I know I hurt her and I know it was wrong but i'm going to make it right. I can't change the past and I'll never forgive myself but I deserve a chance, Leanne. Who are you to say otherwise? Or Sharon?"

"Once a chance is gone you can never get it back!"

"LEANNE THAT'S ENOUGH!" shouts Jamie he had had enough, "Shut up already or don't you think you've said enough? You want Carla to go over the edge? The poor girl is drowning in tears. LEAVE IT ALONE!"

"It's fine Jamie," whispers Liam near his wits end, "It's what Sharon wants...for me to be the villain of this situation. Strange, considering Leanne has witnessed first hand her little cruel jibs. She has a selective memory."

"FUCK YOU!" shouts Leanne, "Just fuck you bastard! Tony Gordon is a thousand times the man you are. I can't believe I ever gave Carla the advice to cheat with you."

"Yeah that's it, continue supporting Sharon and all her fanciful ideas. You got a vicious tongue on you Leanne! Too bad you can't seem to direct it at the people who really deserve it; women who measure their daughters self worth by what the highest bidder is willing to pay for her."

"You just want her to be as miserable and unhappy as you are!"

Liam was done. He had had enough because it was clear now that Leanne was never going to see sense and he was beginning to wonder why he should waste the effort trying to convince her otherwise . He didn't care anymore if she thought him the bad guy, he was exhausted from this day. It seemed that people were enjoying taking a verbal thrashing out of him because they didn't want to understand him. They just wanted to be hostile, like people often were about things they did not want to understand. He had considered saying something about Paul, explaining that he couldn't afford to deal with himself until things were sorted. Leanne would never comprehend this. She would never comprehend the irreplaceable feeling of coming to and seeing your hands wrapped around the neck of girl you loved and just wondering how the hell they got there. She only saw black and white, since the day she met him; Leanne decided what she'd think of him. So he thought, why not just let her continue to do so? But no amount of Leanne's, Sharon's or Tony's were going to stop him from making Carla happy and giving her the life she deserves. He took on last look at the scene infront of him, this dinner party erupted in carnage and havoc and he help but feel the negativity; that everything falls apart and falls apart just by his mere existence of being here on this earth. Would these two sides always battle inside of him? Would he ever get any peace..._no more_ he says and quickly he turns stomping from the room and just wanting to get away from her.

The monster was growling in his chest, etching it's approval at all his negative thoughts as flashes of that night come before him. Paul's blue eyes wide and lifeless; the permanent look of surprise and fear mingled in one his lasting imagine forever. And Carla...Carla had worn that same look too, surprise and fear and the monster had wanting to destroy her...to get rid of that look, to get rid of memories of Paul. He had looked at her that day like he didn't even know who she was or why she was in his bed.

_"Liam it's me, Carla. It's Carla Liam..."_

He wondered if he could ever make her happy; if he even deserved to anymore. It was exhausting, exhausting trying to fight these thoughts and remember that he had been so happy earlier. He couldn't give into the darkness. He had to fight it; he'd have to try harder, harder for her. He wasn't that monster and would just have to work harder at remembering so.

Carla is running down the hallway towards him now and Liam feels the tenseness in his chest easing, the horrible thoughts gradually slipping away as he sees her perfection, that olive skin and full lips coming to kiss him; lifting the weight like she is the air and all that he breathes. Carla was breathing the life back into him.

"I'm sorry," she cries in between those moist kisses letting her tear filled eye lashes brush against his skin, "I so sorry."

"Don't apologize," he says, "None of it's your fault."

"I wish we could just disappear, runaway together..."

"Maybe well will," he says trying his best to smile. She broke his heart when she was in this much pain, he wants to see her live again like he had earlier as he watched her in the reflection, "Maybe we could sail away."

She gave gave a half laugh and a half cry, "Do you mean it? Where will you take me."

"It's a surprise," he says and grinning adds, "You'll have to close your eyes first of course."

Carla is biting her lip, her green eyes dancing at the reference as she wraps her arms around his neck and leans in supporting her weight on his body. He can hear the shallowness of her breath as they rock back and forth. This is all he needs, Liam thinks to himself; this is all he needs to stay sane. The thought of her here with him making him stronger and capable of living.

"I'm getting tired Liam," she whispers.

"Do you want to go home?"

"No," she says very delicately, "I want to stay here with you...always."

It was strange how she breathlessly uttered that last word and it seemed as though she need all her strength to raise her head and brush his lips. Even stranger, when he kissed them back he felt that unsettling feeling of oddness he used to get when he kissed her; the times when he felt strange like it wasn't right and that he was sucking out of her...taking her soul. And then he looked at her, paled in the face and her lips turning blueish, her grip on him slacking.

"Carla?" he whispers frantically having no idea what was going on; it was his worst nightmare. It was scary, "Carla?" he says again but she seems unable to communicate. Her body fast becoming dead weight, as she sunk in his arms he began to shake her, "Carla?"This couldn't be happening? What the hell was happening? He watched as her eyes slowly began to roll back into her head and Liam couldn't take it anymore...fear rising in his chest the smell of death..."CARLA?"

He was crying now as he slumped to the floor with her, footsteps fast approaching demanding to know whats happened, voices everywhere in panic, giving orders about what to do. He said she was like the air that he breathed in, but now that monster was telling him something different that if she was the air he breathed he was the air she sucked away; which sucked away at her taking all her life until nothing is left. It seemed so clear in his mind, the negative half which was taking over again trying to make him forget who he was...

"And_ now you know why you can never be together..."_

It was winning out slowly but surely because it had proof. He was numb; existing outside of himself...watching himself cry as he clutched her and Warren and Jamie tried there best to help as Leanne called for the doctor and her parents and Candice rushed to get a glass of water. He felt nothing but strange if this was to be his fate; like everything was a wreck and yet he could not tear his eyes away from the fascination of it all;this place he found himself in where one felt hopeless and unable go on but they don't want to die either; they just want to go somewhere else so that it will all be over. All of it...he went back into his own body no longer witnessing the events as they unfolded, but every much apart of them. He clutched Carla harder, against all hope just trying to block out and fight all the thoughts that said they'd be this... a couple so madly hot for one another only they'd be incapable of finding any equilibrium of peace or even remote happiness.


	13. Chapter 13

**As always thanks reading and enjoy the latest update.**

"I thought our daughter would be healthy by now! What in heaven's name is wrong with her?!"

Carla awoke from a state of delirium confused and weak beyond all imagination. What the hell had happened to her? The last thing she remembered was being in Liam's arms, she had been so happy then. Like things were beginning to come together again, and with their relationship falling back into place Carla felt like she had realized the reason for her existence and it was to live a life with him. Her arms fumbled around trying to find the strength to lift her body up, she just wanted out this bed, out of this room; she wanted to go straight to Liam. But her father's voice brings her back into reality and as her eyes adjust to the surroundings around her, Carla realizes she is going nowhere.

"Get the doctor back here right now Anne!" Edward Donovan shouts at the housekeeper who then goes running from the room instantly. Sharon Donovan wears a look of stunned surprise, as Carla's father was not usually one to lose his temper.

"Darling won't you calm a little," Sharon croons gripping her husbands arm, "You ought to think about not upsetting our Carla—"

"Be quite woman!" snaps Edward throwing his wife off harshly, "Our daughter's health is the last of your concerns."

"How can you say such things to me Edward!" says Sharon always the first person to show outrage and hurt at being accused of anything, "My daughter is my own heart. I love all my children and only want the best for them."

"If you loved her then you wouldn't be pushing this bloody wedding every damn second of our existence! The wedding is your first priority and nothing else."

"Edward! Please try and have a little self control," Sharon had only just notice Carla had awakened and was trying to push the outburst between her and her husband under the rug, "I will not have you doing anything to upset our daughter."

That was a laugh, Carla thought. All her mother ever seemed to do was look for ways to upset her children. She was cold and manipulative, the furthest thing from love because if she had ever had any true feeling for Carla or Robert she wouldn't force them to do the things which broke their hearts. She wouldn't ask that they lose a little of who they were everyday just to make their mothers world happy.

"Damn you woman!" shouts Edward Donovan again. He seemed to be on his last ounce of patience with his wife. How Carla adored her father though, he could be stern with his children but he never did anything unless he was certain to be doing right by them. He was the exact opposite of her mother in that regard.

"Papa," Carla says weakly. It is barely a whisper but it is enough to change her father's whole demure immediately. His green eyes soften and he runs to Carla's bed side immediately.

"What is it my own darling," he croons grabbing for Carla's clammy and sweating hands and holding them in his own, "What does my darling princess need?"

"I feel so weak papa," Carla manages. She truly felt like death, the insides of her stomach were churning, pulsating with pain and her body was all wet, her night gown drenched in sweat and parts of her long black hair sticking to her face.

"I know sweetheart," says her father crouching down. Carla's brother Robert shared the exact same warm and gentle features as him down to the tee. He gripped his daughter's hand harder bringing her fingers to his lips for a gentle kiss, "And the doctor is on his way my lovely. He is going to make everything alright sweetheart."

"I can't feel my toes," Carla whispers, "I'm so cold."

"But your sweating so much darling," says Sharon her green eyes going wide at this revelation, "Oh Edward I think we may have to get Robert to call for the priest—"

Edward was just about to round upon his wife for even making such a suggestion when they were interrupted by the arrival of Doctor Foster strolling through Carla's bedroom door his medical bag in hand

"That won't be necessary Mrs. Donovan," the doctor says striding over to Carla's bedside with purpose, "What has happened, has her condition now worsened?

"We've been calling for you for two hours!" shouts Edward, "My daughter is at death's door."

"I was attending to another patient," Frank Foster informs them. He starts opening his bag and laying out his instruments, "A Miss Maria Sutherland, there seems to be a bit of bug going around these parts. That's why I can assure you both there will be no need to call for a priest. Now if you'll both excuse me I'd like to examine the girl without interruption."

Carla's father was about to protest but her mother cut him off, "That is fine doctor. My husband and I will wait outside."

"Thank you Mrs. Donovan," Frank smiles before turning his attention back to Carla. He always had such a strange look in his eyes when he attended to her. Carla's father reluctantly agreed shooting one last look at his daughter before following his wife out of the room.

Carla watched him intently as he began to roll up the sleeves to his cotton dress shirt and attach his stethoscope to his ears. His stare was just as intense and unreadable as ever as he lowers his body slightly over hers and his fingers pull at the lace strings of her cotton nightgown undoing the top part rather quickly. He slide the stethoscope inside touching her bare skin and asking her to breathe.

"Will you try and cough for me Miss. Donovan," he says his eyes flickering from between her exposed chest and face.

Carla try her best to cough, but her attempts were weak and had her falling back into the pillow accepting defeat. It burned her throat and whole chest unlike the breathing to do so and now Carla thought surely she was going to die and tears were becoming an issue.

He seemed to have little to no reaction to this and Carla thought maybe he was just truly a cold individual much like her mother. But then she heard his voice, a little better at conveying emotion; it was much more gentle than his eyes, "Sit up," he gently grips her shoulder with one hand and uses the other to slide behind Carla's back and push her from the pillows. She feels his fingers pressing on her skin feeling the different pressure points of her back, "Can you feel this Carla? Does it hurt?"

"I can feel it sir and it does hurt a bit."

"It's tender," he remarks letting her fall back a bit but still holding her in an upright position, "And your temperature is still very high, but it is improving from what was these last three days I attended to you."

"I've been like this for three days?" Carla says surprised because the memory of Liam is still very much fresh in her mind.

"Yes and you have had a bit of vomiting and diarrhea. Your father also tells me you complained in one of your spouts of consciousness that your stomach and abdominal area was hurting; is this still the case?"

"My stomach hurts very much," Carla cries, "I feel so weak. What is happening to me?"

"It's odd really. Your symptoms almost mimic something like that of cholera. But I don't think you have that. You have access to clean drinking water and your living conditions are nothing like squalor. I am inclined to think you are suffering from dysentery, which means the problem exists in your intestines like I originally told you."

Carla was afraid. This whole spout of bad health was due to her pathetic suicide attempt and now she blamed only herself for the horrible things that were happening. If she hadn't been so rash and silly acting off of share panic and fear at the possibility of never being able to see Liam again then this wouldn't have happened. And now there was a possibility that she may never see him again if she were to die because the doctor thought she has symptoms similar to cholera and cholera often meant death.

"Am I going to die?" Carla blurts out exposing the vastness of her vulnerability to this man who she never really particularly trusted. She wanted to kick herself for even asking, but she couldn't help but wonder and she needed to know if truly her time was up. Carla couldn't stand the idea of never being able to touch Liam, see his face again, and just be with him in general. This was more frightening than death.

The doctor removes his stethoscope putting it on the side table with his other instruments. Those eyes, which were usually cold and indifferent to her, actually had some strange emotion within them. Could it be warmth? His voice had already cracked with kindness towards her, so perhaps it wasn't a far stretch. Kneeling to the level of her head his hands grasp her bedside for support. Slowly he reaches out to touch Carla causing an involuntary flinch, as she so often did when he touched and made her feel uncomfortable. He is undeterred by this action, gently removing a strand of hair from her face.

"Are you going to die?" Frank Foster says his brown eyes searching hers and gauging her fears, reading her innermost thoughts, "You want the honest truth?"

"Yes," says Carla hoping that he'd be nice enough to put her out of her misery. She felt strangely stronger just waiting for his answer and waiting to hold onto every word. She felt she could believe anything he said with all the authority he held and seemed to hold over her very health.

"Yes," he utters his eyes lost in a daze from the motions of stroking her head of hair, "I'm afraid you are." Her heart is sinking at hearing these words and she wants to burst out into a fit of tears, She knew she wanted honesty but she expected to at least soften the blow a little. Then the doctors serious look turns into a smile, "But then again aren't we all born to die. We're all on borrowed time afterall."

"That's not funny," Carla, cries out, "I'm ill and weak. It's not funny at all to joke about death." She yanks her face from his grasp so he can no longer caress her hair.

"Hey," he says unable to hold back his laughter, "You asked so I answered. Of course your going to die Miss Donovan, but not today and never whilst I'm around and you are in my care. I'll make sure that nothing happens to you."

"I don't believe you," Carla hisses angrily annoyed at how he found playing with a young girls heart so amusing. She found her strength coming back as she pops up against the pillows glaring at him with all the anger she could muster.

"Fine," he says his tone one of flirting, "I mean I only swore upon the Hippocratic oath, but if that means so little to women such as you then I guess I never meant a word of it."

For some reason Carla felt a bit herself reluctantly warming up to him and although she did not like to admit it, she preferred the doctor like this much more than when he was all quite and indifferent. Though she hated the way he made her feel silly though and wants to deflect from the current situation, "What's a Hippocratic oath anyways? An oath from a bunch hippos?" she attempts to joke regretting it immediately.

"If that's an attempt at joking my lady it is rather weak," He rises up from the bedside, "No Miss. Donovan, it's an oath taken by doctors whereupon one swears to the gods and goddesses to be ethical in all treatment of patients. Violating it means one is in violation of humanity and judgment will be put upon one's own life for dishonesty."

"Hmmm," Carla says thoughtfully her greens eyes watching him as he slowly puts his instruments away, "I suppose I could trust you then. You'll pay with your life after all if you are unkind to me."

"Well aren't I special?" he says grinning at her, "What is it now, two occasions where you have not been unkind to me? I must be doing something right and look you already appear stronger. Perhaps it's just my presence alone that causes this. It seems I inspire strong feelings inside of you."

"Sir!"

"Oh, how impolite of me to imply that another man other then your fiancé could have such an affect on you," he smirks at Carla pointedly as he says thus, "Or that's how it should be, but I hear you and a Mr. Liam Connor seem to think otherwise."

"Excuse me?" Carla says getting defensive. She did not like where this going and wanted to know how the hell he knew anything about her love for Liam. He seemed to be reading her mind, already knowing the question she was going to ask.

"Your mother told me," he says sighing, "The affairs of seventeen year old girls are the least of preoccupations I can assure as much Miss. But your mother seemed to think I deserved an earful."

Carla was furious. Of course her mother had to go running off her mouth but she was shocked at the recklessness of it all. Would her mother be so foolish as to wreck everything she had worked so hard to achieve with the success of this engagement to Tony Gordon? It did not make sense, but then again her mother often did vindictive things like gossiping and spreading stories when she was angry. This was probably done to send Carla a message.

"It's not my place to comment, neither here nor there," Frank Foster is now zipping up his case, "But I know his mother Madame Emmanuelle Gordon and she is a lovely woman. She would not wish to see her kind son heartbroken like this and I am sure you wouldn't either. That's all I am going to say on a matter, which doesn't concern me at all. As for matters which do," his light up as he retrieves another vile of medicine, "You are take this twice a day with all your meals and drink your fluids. It is used to treat cholera off all things, and it should calm your upset stomach."

"I thought you said I didn't have cholera?"

"I don't think that you do, but cholera and dysentery share many of the same symptoms. So I am giving you an antibiotic which is often used to fight Cholera to help with this."

"Thank you," Carla says just willing to take whatever she must in order to recover and see Liam soon. He was probably really worried about her and if she could just find someway to get a letter to him everything would be fine. But for now regaining her strength was number one priority and she could already feel it rushing back to her again. She had a strong will to live, to not be broken by any obstacle.

"You're welcome, Miss Donovan," he says turning to leave before glancing back at her, "You shouldn't be so afraid of dying. The clock is ticking regardless and no matter what you do it's inevitable. Just try and make do with the stability life can give you then you can think about all the rest." And with that he was gone.

* * *

Within two days of the doctors visit and by taking her medication as he requested Carla felt much better. Strangely the man she had so long detested began to feel like her savior. The doctor had saved her life. She would write to Liam immediately telling him to come see her and she would get the housekeeper Anne to deliver it. She had no doubt in her mind that Liam probably tried to see her and that most likely her mother had gotten in the way. But her mother was not going to get in the way anymore.

She rushed to her dresser grabbing for her stationary and ready to compose her letter when she heard a commotion that sounded like it was coming from downstairs. It was strange to have so much noise this early in the morning when the sun had barely just risen. Having not left her room in days, she is curious and creeps to the door slowly opening. Peaking out into the hallway everything seems normal for this early in the morning. The hallway is dark and quite, with a few servants moving about but still Carla can hear the noises coming from the downstairs. Walking to the railing her eyes scan down below immediately noticing that many of there household belongs draped in sheets and her mother is whispering and directing people.

"-We are not taking much for the visit in the country," Sharon is talking to the housekeeper Anne and a few other servants, "So put everything else we won't be needing in storage."

"Yes Mrs. Donovan," says one of the servants, "I've already packed up all the fine cutlery and the candles."

"And the gramophones?" Sharon reminds her smiling ever so sweetly, "Please don't forget about those damn gramophones. Edward paid a fortune for those 'His Masters Voice' things before they became the must have item for everyone to own. Make sure they don't get scratched and also the paintings, take all the ones in the sitting room down."

"Are you going somewhere?" Carla says finding her voice and coming out of the shadows and making her presence knowing she descends the staircase apprehensively.

"Oh Carla," says her mother glancing up at the sound of her daughter's voice crooning in her sugary sweet voice, "I didn't realize you were up darling. Are you feeling better?"

"Are you going somewhere?" Carla repeats again. She saw past her mother's usual tricks of trying to deflect questions and wanted answers.

"We all are darling," Sharon says sending Anne and the rest of the servants on there way, "The whole family is going to visit your grandmother in the country." She delivered this news like it was no big deal.

"What?" says Carla the blood draining from her face. Once again she felt the weakness of her condition overtaking her body, "Why? Why must we go anywhere?"

"It's nothing unusual Carla, June is just around the corner after all and one would think you'd want to see your lovely grandmother. Besides your father was very upset and telephoned his mother when he thought you were on deaths door," Sharon says absentmindedly as she begins to walk about the hallway making sure every little thing has been covered by the sheets, "Now that your feeling a bit better your grandmother can't put off seeing you any longer."

"But what—what about the wedding?" Carla's mind was racing. Of course she had no intentions of getting married, but anything that would serve as an excuse to stay where she was would be welcomed. Her mother couldn't look more satisfied with Carla's panic; because she like her daughter knew that going away to the country meant only one thing; not being able to be anywhere near Liam. "I would see grandmother at the wedding, wouldn't I?"

"Antony's parent's decided to delay the date indefinitely until you are fully recovered. Your fiancé wouldn't dream of putting you through any agony until all parts of you are fully recovered."

Carla couldn't take it; she could tell that her mother was lying. Antony's parent's as well as her father had put too much money into the wedding to just so easily call it off or delay it. The way she took pleasure in her own daughters suffering was disgusting. Her mother was nothing but a selfish bitch who only wanted for Carla to be miserable and unhappy, "You know my heart will never recover mother," Carla's voice is shaking as she steps further down the stairs ready to go head to head with her mother, "So he might as well wait forever."

"Don't you dare young lady!" Sharon says her voice also rising, "Don't you dare get smart with me! I warned you to forget that boy and you will obey me! You are to honor the wishes of your parents, do you understand?"

"I'd rather die than be kept away from Liam!" Carla says about ready to cry. Her mother was so unfair, "I don't love Tony! What don't you get?"

"Well he loves you!" Sharon snaps, "And if a man loves you then that is all that matters, not the other way around you foolish girl. Better you learn this now than never."

"I am not going," Carla is unable to stop the tears because she knows there is no way her family will leave without forcing her along as well.

"You are girl because the servants are already packing as we speak and closing up the house! You can't use or survive on things that are in storage, now can you?"

"This isn't fair!" Carla screams, "You're doing this to me on purpose, to keep me from Liam."

"Stop crying," Sharon says coolly, "It makes your face look fat and rather unattractive," then snapping her fingers a passing by servant she says, "You there! Go and draw a bath for my daughter she needs to get ready to leave straight away. Also send for someone to start packing her clothes, throw them into the bloody trunks if you have to."

"I hate you mother! I hate you so damn much," Carla turns around unable to stand the sight of her any longer and running up the stairs her heart pounds through her chest with all this anger.

"I am going to just blame your crazy reaction on the cholera or whatever it is the doctor says you have," Sharon snipes coldly in her wake.

If she could she would kill her mother for taking every happiness from her. Her mother was only doing this because she jealous of the way Liam loved her; because no one had ever loved Sharon like that in all her life.

She threw things around not caring what she smashed or if it angered her father. Carla was just trying to get the frustration out. Her world was falling apart and Carla couldn't breath at the realization there was no escaping this engagement, this marriage, or anything her mother wanted for her life. Was it so wrong for her to want happiness; a life that was her own? The ticking of the clock in the room grated on Carla's ears; a constant reminder of the fact that all she had was time and that time was quickly running out. She shoved all her belongings off her dresser just crying as she fell onto the floor.

A few of the servants entered the room ignoring Carla's pitiful state completely probably at the request of her mother and proceeded to march towards her closet pulling out clothing for which to pack into a waiting trunk. Looking at the clock once more snaps her into action, she has to do something and fast. Pulling herself across the floor Carla spots the stationary set she knocked over. Quickly she snatches a piece of paper from it and grabbing at a nearby pen she scribbles a quick note unto the paper.

_Liam,_

_I don't have much time, but my parents are taking me away from here and we are going to my grandmother's country home. You remember where it is. I'll send for you from there as we are leaving almost immediately. Then we can figure things out and run away together._

_I love you and I'll wait for you._

She cried as she sealed it up quickly getting off the floor surprising the servants as she ran from the room and down hallway shouting for the housekeeper Anne. Carla could trust her the most out everyone else in this house. Carla looked in all the rooms passing by her brother's room glancing in as he pouted at one of the maids scolding him for trying to fit his gramophone player into a waiting trunk with no possible room for it. She wondered how long had they all known about this and decided to decieve her by keeping it under wraps. It was a disgusting betrayal. Carrying on in her pursuit she was lucky to run into Anne head on at the end of the long hallway.

"Miss Donovan shouldn't you be in the bath?" Anne inquires startled by the sight of her.

"I'm going to," Carla says choking back the last of tears at last accepting defeat in that corner, "I just need you to take this to Liam and quickly," she shoves the letter into her hand, "Run please, take a car whatever you have to do. But please just tell him where they are taking me."

Anne looks hesitant at first since this request would be going directly against her true employers. But she was sympathetic to Carla's plight and quickly agreed.

"Fine," she says, "But you must get ready. Your mother wishes to leave within the hour and your father has already sent telegrams to work saying he'll be away for a long time indefinitely. I'll have to sneak around the back and have the driver drop me by his quickly."

"Thank you," Carla hugs her in gratitude and quickly letting go she pleas again, " Thank you, thank you so much. I owe you the world. Now go quickly before my mother notices you are gone."

A sense of relief no matter how minuscule it may have seemed at the moment swept over Carla. There was some hope after all. Time it seemed had always been against them, both her and Liam. In the past Paul's death had gotten in the way of their happiness. It was selfish to blame his death for them falling apart, but it was fact that if Paul survived that night like Liam and Tom had, Carla would be engaged to Liam today. Her mother held him disappearing for two years so venomously against him, so if they could have just erased that mistake then Sharon couldn't possibly object. It hadn't been the right time for them two years ago and because timing had sent Liam away from her, fate would have it would now send Carla away as well. And for long she would be gone, Carla did not know. However it did frighten her to think it could be two years until she ever saw his face again. She hoped he would come and rescue her from this trapped as soon as he could. The clock was ticking...


	14. Chapter 14

He hated it when people told him things would get better. That's what people said when Paul first died. They didn't understand this cloud of perpetual darkness that seemed to take form over him. To everyone else sadness and grief were to be treated like the common cold. You'd struggle with it for a while, maybe even have a few setbacks but eventually you would weather the storm and everything could go back to normal; with the snap of the fingers you could simply will all to be right in the world.

What he felt wasn't a common occurrence, it wasn't the blues and you couldn't overcome it like a cold. Instead it was like a cancer, a disease taking root in you and some days were good. When they were good a person could truly feel like they were making a breakthrough and they were getting over things but then at that snap of the fingers everything was wrong again and nothing right. Not the way she looked him, not the way she loved him and he was certain in these moments all over again that he should not love her just the same.

Liam's mind was seared with the memory of her paled face and blue lips, the way she fell so limp in his arms like dead weight. His eyes had been transfixed by her rigidness unwillingly intrigued at the way her eyes seemed to clamp shut in this state of lifelessness and how similar it was to when a baby is born, how their fists were clenched just the same and there eyes just as tight. It confirmed for him that even though life was the opposite of death the two things seemed to share a great deal of things of common, things that haunted him. If one could look so similar in dying as they would in they way they born, could he ever look at any human being and not think morbid thoughts? It was such a strange and emotionally removed thing to think and it only confirmed to him that he was getting worse in his state of mind. He wasn't safe for her…he almost tried to harm her once and if he could think such strange things like this; if he could remove himself so effortlessly from feeling and get to that point where he could observe the woman he loved like she was some experiment, some project in which to look upon and study then who knows what else he would think of that could somehow involve her in his preoccupation with death, with his fleeting humanity. It was a state of craziness and it was only made worse with Sharon Donovan's refusal to let Liam see Carla.

For days and days after Carla had collapsed in his arms, Liam had tried to see her. But Sharon was resourceful and stern. The only words he had to describe her were that she was vile and callous the closet thing to evil known on this earth. He wanted to destroy her, to break that evil woman part for all that she was doing to ensure he didn't see Carla again. She had very clear that he wasn't to go near her daughter again and in frustration Liam kicked one of her flower pots over in a fit of uncontrollable rage. He had to calm it and keep at bay but it just took over. The look on Sharon's face was as though she had gotten exactly what she wanted. She would use his anger against him to spin more lies and try and corrupt Carla against him. And in that moment he swore that one-day he would destroy her. He hated Sharon Donovan more than anything.

"_I see you Liam and the way you're looking at me. Just remember this moment," Sharon snarls, "My daughter and I, we are not so different. You could be looking into your own future right now with me…what it could be like with her. Better take a long hard look Liam," and grabbing his arm in forceful surprise she lowers her head to whisper in his ear. Her voice is one of pure malice, " Had a long nice look yet? I hope so. Now do everyone a favour and walk away," she lets go with such a force it could have sent Liam plummeting if he had not so quickly found his footing…_

He played that conversation over and over in his head letting it break away him eat him up bit by bit. And he was ashamed for having walked away so easily, for not fighting harder. Liam wondered what had happened to Carla? Did she cry thinking that he somehow didn't care, that he had abandoned her? Again he felt like it was a sign that he didn't deserve her because he never fought hard enough. Now he was a point of exhaustion and like other emotions it was not the normal sort. It was an exhaustion that came with emptiness, when the emptiness and pain got to such a point he just didn't want to breathe anymore. He didn't want to exist at all.

In fact he wasn't. Right now he was sitting in his father's den with his father, his uncle, his cousin, his sisters fiancé but he was not existing because not anyone of them seemed to notice that he was so far gone. He must not be real to any of these men if he could stare blankly at a wall; didn't matter what anyone said to him because in that moment he wasn't present and would answer and yet it would make no difference at all. They did not notice therefore he concluded he must be invisible.

"How exactly do you intend to support my only daughter and soon to be born grandchild if you are to decline a working position at my textile factory?" Barry Connor puffed his pipe and raised an eyebrow at Michelle's fiancé Dean.

"I'll find away," says Dean nervously fidgeting in his chair. Liam's emotionless eyes roamed over him impassive to the latest of family drama that was taking place. Dean had just announced that he would not like to work at the factory to support Michelle as originally intended. Liam's eyes were scanning the room having snapped out of his thoughts about Carla. But he still in a very removed state not really liking the situation he was in at the moment, stuck in this room but accepting it all the same. It was a state of restlessness but the same time he felt quite rested all the same. It was just strange. He could see the shadows of Michelle's feet formed under the door crack. His sister was most likely listening in on this whole ordeal.

"Is that so?" say Liam's cousin Tom next, "By what? Running about with your petty lot of thieving friends?"

"I don't take kindly to accusations based on silly little rumors," Dean glares in Tom's direction, "I think you lot had better accept that I want an alternative means of supporting my soon to be wife and unborn child. And this involves not getting sucked into your family business. Business is not for me. No one is the boss of me, get it?"

"Then answer this boy; what the hell is?!"

"I got an offer for a job actually!" Dean says defiantly his temporary nervousness quickly evaporating and replaced with self-assurance and his usual arrogance.

"Where exactly and from whom?" says Liam's uncle John his voice conveying uncharacteristic surprise.

"A job offer from a Doctor Frank Foster," says Dean his face was completely haughty now as he takes the opportunity to silently lord this news over all of them before continuing, " You might know him and you might not. But I'm going to work at his office and household regardless mixing chemicals for his various pests. The doctor may live in an affluent neighborhood and work in one just the same but he has had a long-standing problem with rats and the like. I can take care of them."

"And this would be full time employment?" Uncle John asks waving his hand to stifle Barry's up and coming protests.

"Yes," says Dean annoyed at all the questions. His punk like behavior was becoming more and more evident by the minute. He had no respect for anyone in this family, "Obviously it is," he says in a drawl, " I wouldn't have taken it otherwise. And he's flexable…like I said I don't like to be bossed."

"And what pray tell is your experience if any with chemicals? If I am to understand correctly you never finished your formal education. I find it hard to believe you'd have any knowledge in the science of chemistry," Barry Connor remarks.

Liam still very much a listener and not a contributor to this conversation did not find it very hard to believe at all. Dean was just a shifty individual that any information he may or may not be privy to would be of no surprise. Dean may not have finished his formal education but there was no denying that he was street smart and if rumors were true outside of his womanizing ways he was also a skilled dealer the selling opium in the streets and bars. Now that Liam thought about it, it made sense that would drop all offers of working factory for a doctor's residence if he believed he could easily access all sorts of medications and resell them in the streets; that's how Dean made all his money and how he afforded himself all his flashy possessions. Liam's eyes again were glued to the door crack. He could sense Michelle's presence on the other side holding on to every word of the conversation.

"Don't worry about it," Dean says cockily smirking at Barry Connor, "Just look after your own self Mr. Connor. I can take care of Michelle just fine."

"Oh like hell you will! If I should even let you marry her anymore!" snaps Barry ready to fly off the hinges and come at Dean like the pompous bastard he was.

"Just you watch me,_ sir."_

The door flew open then taking the room by surprise. The common expression was one of confusion especially for Liam as it was not Michelle walking in as he had expected by the family housekeeper Millie. He wasn't even remotely interested in what she had to say as she was likely just going to give his father a message about some telegram or other. Even Barry seemed ready and waiting to receive a message from her as it was only thing stopping him from throttling Dean across the room and the only thing keeping Tom and uncle John from restraining him from doing as such. However again Millie surprised everyone when she walked right past Barry and directly to Liam, leaning down and whispering in his ear. He had a visitor apparently and Liam gave no thought to it he just let his body take him to where he had to go leaving the others to deal with Dean. He didn't even excuse himself or offer any explanation.

He followed the housekeeper in a stoic fashion outside the doors acknowledging Michelle crouched down with her ears pressed against walls and he couldn't help but smile for a brief second at the fact that he knew his sister all too well. He continued on, his fixed on Millie's blonde hair, thinking nothing and willing himself not to feel just the same. He would not let the mystery of who the visitor could be preoccupy his mind as all the answers would be found out soon enough.

Carla's housekeeper Anne stood before him in the foyer turning around abruptly at the sound of approaching footsteps to face him. Her usually calm and impassive face appeared frantic and she clutched a letter in her hands.

"Anne," he says curtly, "What are you doing here? Another message to deliver from Sharon?"

"No actually," she says breathlessly the urgency in her voice more apparent now than ever, "It's a message from Carla. I can't stay," she shoves it in his hand and he quickly unfolds it as she begins to elaborate, "They are taking her to the country and I am not sure when they will be back. The way Sharon was talking I am sure if she had her way they would never come back. My employer can be fanatical at times."

Liam's eyes scanned the letter and looking up he says, "You lied when you said this letter wasn't from Sharon. It isn't Carla's writing," he was starting to get agitated as this was all so much to absorb, "Does Sharon really think I'm that dumb?! What is the point of her damn taunting?"

"Sir," says Anne starting to blubber. She was tongue tied and at loss for words as Liam shoved the letter in her face.

_Mr. Connor,_

_I write to you only as a courtesy to inform you that all further attempts to contact my daughter will be fruitless. Rather than waste time I suggest you adopt a hobby for the summer months and maybe for a lifetime because my daughter is going away today and she is not coming back! Don't you dare try and contact Carla in any way shape or form or I shall be informing the police about that little incident that caused you to run away two years ago to begin with. You know, the time you put your hands around my daughters throat and tried to suck the life out of her? _

_I bet you're surprised I know this, aren't you? But then again I also know about the little rendezvous you had with her in room that day…the little poem you so carelessly left behind on the floor. I also know that Carla wrote you a letter to be sent to you just as we leave today. But I was smart enough to stop Anne and put this one in its place._

_When are you going to figure it out Liam? I will always be one step ahead of you and there is nothing you can do to defeat me or turn Carla against me. I know my daughter more than anyone in the world. You can't come between us and what's right for her future. But don't you worry Carla's letter wouldn't have reveal much anyways. I foresaw that she'd probably try to blab to you the location of we were headed in so I made sure to give her a false one. We are not going to grandmother Donovan's so don't waste your time trying to track her down. This is your final warning._

_Sharon_

He felt the uncontrollable anger rushing through him once more…that monster was well and alive in his chest, "Where are they?!"

"It's no use," Anne says surprised at the letter because no doubt Sharon forbade her from peeking at it before hand, "They are getting into that car and probably leaving as we speak."

"Where are they going?" he says ready to grab her by the shoulders and shake her senseless.

"I don't know," Anne looks horrified her eyes wide and afraid of his onset anger.

Liam of course didn't believe her but if she wasn't going to tell him he would just have to find out for himself. He glanced at the front door and without a second thought for the important family business he was leaving behind bolts towards it prying it open and breaking into run…he just had to see her some how and know that she was okay. Liam would have to get there before she left or who knows when he would see her again if ever like Sharon threatened.

It became apparent him as he was running just how quickly his mind had shifted again. Perhaps because he was so afraid of losing her he now knew he couldn't live without her and that everything between them felt like it could work. He felt like the darkness would leave him and Liam was sure he could be happy in this moment. He could not lose her, not again. That bitch Sharon was mocking him trying to taunt him with the fact that she was destroying both him and her daughter. Sharon was a complete psychotic bitch.

"Mr. Connor," says Anne shouting after him, "Please don't do anything stupid! Please stop running. Sir!"

But Liam ignored her and soon she stopped following him in his run getting in to her borrowed car and speeding down the stretch of road no doubt to gain time to alert her nasty witch of an employer about the change of events. He didn't even notice that the letter was still in his hands, He clenched it so hard it was about to writher away and rip. The franticness of the situation only made the adrenaline course through him and before he knew it he was on the stretch leading up to Carla's town house. Liam saw three black cars lined up in front of the house, the servants standing on the steps as Carla's father Edward Donovan yells at Carla's brother Robert to get into one of black cars before throwing it shut and tapping on the drivers window with his cane to usher it off. There was no sign of Carla and Liam heart began to sink for a fraction of a second anguished at the thought of them possibly sending her in an earlier car. As the car carrying Robert sped off Edward Donovan wore a look of relief satisfied that that particular departure went off without a hitch. And then he looked back as the doors to the townhouse opened once more. Carla stepped out this time followed by the figure of her vile mother Sharon pushing her down the steps as her father quickly opens the door to yet another of the waiting black cars. This made Liam all the more alive again as he realizes not all hope is lost yet. He could save Carla from whatever Sharon had planned.

"Carla!" he shouts hoping she will hear him and look up as he is still far down the street, "Carla!" But she doesn't hear him. Liam can see from her body language that she is hesitant to get in, that is something is stopping her. Her father gently tries to instruct to the car with his hand on her back. "Carla!" Liam shouts again and this time Sharon sees him.

Her look is one of dumbfound but is quickly replace with extreme anger and hatred that her perfect little plan may not got off without any hitches. Perhaps she should have thought twice then to taunt him.

"Carla in the car now!" Sharon shouts shoving Carla in and slapping her husband on the arm to alert him to Liam's gaining presence. Edward's look is also one of dumbfound but he wears no hatred or anger of any kind he just caught off guard before Sharon smacks him into action and he helps his wife into the car as well. Slamming the door he taps the drivers window with his cane to make them go.

Liam is still gaining ground and though he thinks all hope may be up and lost he continues to shout Carla's name because there is a chance she will be able to hear him through the windowpane. Finally Carla turned her head around in the backseat of the car perhaps she sensed that she had, perhaps she finally felt his presence. She was taken by surprise and her green eyes were wide open as she shifts her body around putting her hands up on the glass of the back window.

She was mouthing the words 'Liam' and Sharon quickly turned around glaring trying to throw her daughters hands away from the backseat window.

"Drive dammit you bloody bastard! What am I paying you for?" Edward Donovan commanded thrashing at the window with his cane one last time before quickly making way to the third and final car, which was to drive him away from the townhouse.

Her cries were now evident now even through the barrier of glass as she tries to grab at the backset door handles, anything at all to escape. Liam won't give up, he will run after that car until it's out of sight.

"Carla!"

"Liam!" Carla says finally managing to stick her head out the window. She is slapping away at her mothers relentless grip and efforts to stop her from doing so, "They are taking me away!" Carla cries, "LIAM!"

Again her mother Sharon tugs at her daughter trying to pull her head back inside.

All Liam can manage to say is her name over. Because this all too much and the car is getting further and further away that he keep up with it on the road. Finally he realizes that there is nothing he can do, and when Carla's last crying screams have become a faint whisper; it is clear that Sharon Donovan has won and Carla has been driven from his life probably forever.

And there it is again, when the emptiness and pain get him so much he doesn't want to breathe anymore. Liam simply does not want to exist. Sharon won, she won…and so he finally stops running because now he is only chasing the air. True reality dawned on him. Things did not get better in fact chances were they only got infinitely worse.


	15. Chapter 15

**Sensitive topic of suicide is ahead in this chapter**

"You are not to see that boy again Carla. Do you understand me?" Sharon hissed in Carla's ear as they drove down a long stretch of road. It seemed like they had been driving down this same long stretch for hours.

Carla knew something was up because it didn't normally take so long to get to her grandmother's home. She couldn't bear to look at that woman, the one person who was supposed to love and protect her…her own damn mother. Carla wanted to spit in her face, slap her even and scream that everyday she was trapped under her mothers thumb was just yet another day she was being taken further away from the things she loved and wanted in life. Instead she sat in silence for fear that once she opened her mouth she would not be in control of the horrible things that would come from it. She was not her mother and never would Carla stoop to such levels. Instead she let the last of her tears fall and preoccupied her time with thoughts of hatred and then came those thoughts of death. Her hatred for her mother was the only thing keeping her going but at the same time it was eating up her insides; letting that woman get to her and destroy all meaning of peace. Now she just wanted to die so she wouldn't have to feel anything anymore.

It made sense to her that she should die now. It was all so crazy but death was the only thing that made sense and some how all she could think was why couldn't she have been successful the first time around? Why couldn't she have just died? Everyday was the same old thing anyways, what would she missing? People would just be telling her the same old things and she would be doing nothing of substance in devoting her life to trying to love someone when the feelings just weren't there. And then what would everyone do but act like she was the one with the problem because after all doesn't this whole question about suicide begin with the presumption that life was somehow worth living? That somehow you just had to accept the world you were living in as a fine place to be and those who could not accept the circumstances pushed upon them were somehow flawed and wrong in the head? Her mother was wrong in the head; in the ways she despised Liam. No one ever said a thing about that but they made sure to make Carla feel guilty for loving him all the same.

No she would not let anyone her talk her out of it this time and she would not be afraid because Carla finally realized that things would never get better in fact the probability was more stacked in things staying very much the same and of course always there was always the option of things getting worse. Now to think of things getting better was just wishful thinking. She had to be a realist.

She thinks back to the day Liam left two years ago, how she had cried all the time afterwards. Thoughts of death became so common place then. All she could do was try and imagine what he had seen that day Paul died that changed him so profoundly. And maybe she should see it too, experience that sort of anguish so the universe would stop punishing them both. What did the voices in his head tell him that made him somehow believe they could never be together? Carla would be so frustrated for not being able to understand, for not having experience such terrible loss. And then she would think erratic thoughts, crazy thoughts…a hatred towards Paul that was so deep and unimaginably misplaced. Hating him for taking Liam from her, hating him for ever daring to have died. She reached a strange clarity in these reckless and unstable times. It made sense to her what people often said about those whose chose to follow the voices in their head. And to hear them with such clearness , how it could be sometimes a gift but an even greater danger; living by what you hear. It could only ever lead you to madness and sometimes Carla thought such things about Liam. She believed in them being together so completely that sometimes he made her completely insane inside. It was not healthy, none of this was but it was the truth and it was them.

She was so completely consumed of feelings for him that sometimes she felt she could not breathe. That all her time with him could be so passionate and consuming that to ever be apart seemed unthinkable, so debilitating and painful that it made Carla physically ill. She would rather die then endure such a draining experience again. When Doctor Foster said she had dysentery Carla wasn't so sure he was right. Perhaps the reason he was unable to cure her was because this was all more then physical illness but had more to do with an illness of the mind.

On and on her mother rambled still about how this visit to the country was to better improve her health and that it would do Carla good to get some fresh air. Carla didn't need fresh air, she needed to stop breathing and so she would. She would never belong to Tony Gordon, not ever. Carla felt as though she was in a state of depressive realism, that she had a more accurate view of reality and because of this accuracy, because she could see everything for what it truly was it would then be easier to leave it all behind.

"…He can make you somewhat content Carla. And you will honor him and be faithful to him and most importantly you will_ love_ him…"

She lets those words sting against her ears, the part about love most especially. It is clear her mother wouldn't stop until she dug the knife straight into her heart. Images of the engagement gala just weeks before flash before her eyes. How crazy had she been to have ever accept such an arrangement so early on. Why had she let her mother pressure her into agreeing to marry Tony Gordon in the first place?

"…you must learn to look at life not as a glass half empty but glass half full. You may not be completely happy but you will have a security and roof over your head. And Tony loves you! How many women can say that of their husbands? Not many I assure you that much Carla…"

Completely happy, she says. Like it no big deal not to be as such, like having sadness instead is just as good to live with and everyone wants it all the same. It was ridiculous the things her mother said just to here the sound of her own voice, even sadder how she actually believed every word she said. Nothing else would ever make sense to a woman as old fashioned an archaic as Sharon Donovan. It would too late for her to change her ways anyways and she never understand like Carla that sadness, like happiness has many, many different functions.

Carla doesn't remember how she got there; in the bathroom of the house they would be staying at for all of June. Time just seemed to evade her now, precede her and then pull her back in again with it's invisible string…like it was a puppet master controlling all her fate, bringing her to and from her dreaming states…reminding her that no one outruns their fate. She could never escape it, but her eyes drift over the knife in magically placed in her hand and she wonders how it came to be that she is holding it now. What had happened in those empty spaces of time, the missing hours before this moment?

That voice in her head again; she heard it with such inner clearness. It was telling her that she could trust it, that it knew what was right and what had to be done, that this was the only way to be...

"But what if I go hell?" she whispers staring at her reflection in the mirror and her eyes drifting impassively over that shell of a body, looking at the knife that would take her away from this all. It was craziness but it was clearness, it made sense to her… the voice of her father singing to her and Robert that old Irish poem like he so often did when they were children. It was as clear as day that she could have sworn he was in the bathroom with her now…

"_May your glass be ever full,  
May the roof over your head be always strong,  
And may you be in heaven a full,  
Half an hour before the devil knows you're dead."_

Nothing anyone said could make her turn back now. Not her mother's threats of eternal damnation, not the promise of some unknown future, not anything. She was just tired of how everyone tried to make her think a certain way. That anyone who didn't see the world the way her parents or all their circle of friends did were then strange and not right in the head.

In her opinion they shouldn't be surprised of how they may just find her in the morning. Instead of spending all their time trying to convince her mind with their 'values' and then medicate her thoughts with whatever Doctor Foster could provide perhaps they should turn their action on trying to make this world an actual decent place to live in. This was not a world that she would have chosen to live in and yet it was apparent that it would be the only one she'd get. And still there was constant wonder as to why so many people preferred death over this sort of existence; where one was present merely as a biological entity. Bred for something for someone elses obscured vision of what destiny could be. Her mother treated her like a possession an animal, a prized show horse. Her entire life Carla's mother told her that she was made bred to marry a fine gentleman like Tony. And so this was hell, once you had no free will there was no other type. Welcome to the real hell.

She clutched the knife harder then ready to get it done, to finally end this. She hadn't even written a final goodbye message for Liam or to her little brother. But what could she say really; her parents had dragged her here in chains and she was determined to exercise her one and only choice in life by ensuring that Tony would never have her. Her eyes stare in a trance longer, thinking about time, how much time it would take? What would time be like after she was gone? Could she even comprehend that everything would stop for her and she would lie in darkness in nothing, a place where time ceases to exist.

And would she ever see his beautiful face again? Liam was the only thing making her reconsider, because if there was just that one possibility and option available to her in staying here on this earth that they could somehow be together she would take it in a heartbeat. She just needed to know it was possible and that hope tempted her into living as much as the depression tempted her to die. That was the nature of the beast; it made her feel so confused and jumbled in her thoughts but then sometimes the negative thoughts felt just as real as the good ones. They could both make perfect sense.

She didn't expect anyone to understand what it was like to finally accept your own death, to breathe it, feel it, dream it, ache for it all to just simply end. But it was like she was in between two worlds so desperately trapped; unwilling to stay yet unwilling to go either. At the end of the day it was just all too much to take. And then she began to cry and she knew why, she remembers that other poem Liam gave her once when he had been so sad right after Paul died and he couldn't speak or convey any of the thoughts he was thinking. She had simply pulled it from his hands. She had asked him what was wrong anyways and hoped that in reading it she would be better able to understand what he was suffering and gain insight into his mind. But she understood nothing back then…

_Margaret, are you grieving_  
_Over Goldengrove unleaving?_  
_Leaves, like the things of man, you_  
_With your fresh thoughts care for, can you?_  
_Ah! As the heart grows older_  
_It will come to such sights colder_  
_By and by, nor spare a sigh_  
_Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie;_  
_And yet you will weep and know why._  
_Now no matter, child, the name:_  
_Sorrow's springs are the same._  
_Nor mouth had, no nor mind, expressed_  
_What heart heard of, ghost guessed:_  
_It is the blight man was born for,_  
_It is Margaret you mourn for._

Now in the present everything seems so much clearer, why this Margaret girl was crying, why Liam was crying, why she, Carla was now crying. What else do we cry about but things like leaves falling from the trees; they're dead. And still all the while as we get older we keep on seeing death and even more drastic loss. Liam shuts his eyes and he sees his brother Paul, so youthful, a whole world of promise at his feet; a far worse example of death and loss. And cries because he doesn't want to be like this, an emotionless hollow shell; a shadow of his former self. No one wants to be like this.

Carla wasn't even so upset for it, yet she would still cry especially when Liam was away. It was selfish and it was cruel but still she would cry, not for what he had witnessed, not his for fear or that crazy monster inside of him. No, every tear was wasted on herself, on that realization that with death everything changes and two people can never return to how they once were. Carla only cried for her own self like she was right now and that she had been to pushed to this, her own ending.

…_It is Margaret you mourn for._

Was that what Liam was trying to make understand all these times? Was that the thing he was constantly struggling to find peace with? That we humans cry more for ourselves and our own mortality than any others? That people didn't seem to get that was its true nature, what mourning has always been about even in youth. We are constantly reminded of our own inevitable ending. This is what haunted Liam, tormented him because he could not give all he could to grieving Paul. It made him feel ashamed probably, like he had to leave her to prove to point, to prove that he could suffer for Paul's sake. This reality haunted Carla as well, preventing her from doing the one thing she wanted to do in the world right now. She simply could not die no matter how much she wanted to because she could still not bring herself to truly accept or even face these horrible feelings as her true human nature, that all the tears she shed were for her own sake and not for anyone else.

"Carla," he younger brother Rob looks at her with concerned eyes as he clutches her in his arms. It takes Carla a moment to realize where she is, still in the bathroom but now sprawled out on the tile floor. Her head is being supported by Robert's chest. She can see the droplets of blood soaked into the floor and the knife strewn a far distance away from her body.

"Rob," she says feebly her throat is so swollen, so hoarse that she can barely speak. She is almost gurgling and the blood is rushing up her throat "Rob," Carla can only mumble. She could barely keep her eyes open as her brothers frightened imagine flickered before her eyes.

"Hold on," he whispers trying to keep calm and keep from crying. He switches his position better so he can better stare her in the eyes. Leaning over her he uses his one hand to raise her head off the ground. Robert's brown eyes flicker back and forth, tears slowly forming in his eyes, "Hold on I'm going to get help."

"Stay," she says weakly. Carla is so afraid to be left alone, "Please…"

"No," he says gently shaking his head but at the same time conveying urgency, "I gotta get help. I gotta get help Car. You're gonna be okay," he whispers gently, "Okay? You're gonna be okay."

"…don't leave me. No, you can't leave me…please don't leave me," she pats her hand weakly against her brothers chest repeating what she can manage of his name over and over again.

He moves his fingers through his hair struggling to come to terms with the situation, "Carla? Carla? Stay with me Carla. Come on...stay with me baby girl. Stay with me," His lips are quivering now and the look on his face is like everything is falling apart. His fleeting hope and sense of helplessness come to a head as he slams his free hand down on tile floor slapping it in frustration, "Don't you leave me Car! You don't get to leave me. Do you understand?!" He looks ready to up and leave her and call for help again. Time is running out

"...Rob...no Rob, please don't leave me."

"You're bleeding…you stabbed yourself Carla! Why, why would do that Carla? It's so stupid Carla," he cries gently raising up her body and cradling her close. He kisses her hair, "I gotta get help!"

"…Rob," Carla grabs for his fingers gripping them tightly willing herself to not look at the blood and confirm that this is all real. But she knows it is and she can't believe she has finally done it. Slowly she is losing consciousness, "Rob…Rob…don't leave me."

"Why?" he repeats unable to stop from sobbing and losing his mind completely, "Why'd you do it Carla?!"

Her eyes are closing now and she feels like this may be it, "Because they take everything from _us_…father...mother, especially mother…I won't let her take my life too. I'll take it myself...of my own freewill."

He is crying at this because he knows exactly what she is talking about and Carla can tell it breaks his heart, "No! No! Don't you dare leave me! Don't you dare leave me behind Carla!"

"I can't feel anything…I can't…Rob…Rob…"

"Carla?," he says frantically now shaking her shoulders, "CARLA?!"

Slowly she felt her eyes closing, and feeling leaving her completely. It was like she was floating away, it was peaceful.

"It's gonna be okay. It's gonna be okay…Carla! Carla?!"

She manages to open her eyes again briefly almost smiling at her brother wanting to reassure him that everything would be okay and that he would survive and do so without her, "Thirty minutes Rob."

"Thirty minutes until what? What…Carla, what?" he cries.

"…In heaven," but she doesn't say the last part, not to him. But she knows that he knows it. It's where they say people who have just done what she has end up. It's what her priest and her mother have said all Carla's life…hell. She was going to hell.

"CARLA!" flashes of her brother rising up and running from the bathroom screaming for help are the last things she experiences before finally giving in to the darkness…

…_And may you be in heaven a full half an hour before the devil knows you're dead._

Finally Carla closes her eyes.


	16. Chapter 16

**Some references to depression and suicide are present in this chapter. Thanks to all my readers for there continued support. And most especially dipdipmyblueship and LoveeCarlaConnor for really helping me get back into the proper mindset for actually wanting to update more frequently again. It means a lot :)**

**Hope you readers enjoy the next section.**

What was it about the human psyche that it allowed for Liam to take some sort of demented pleasure in torturing himself with thoughts of her? It was a constant reimagining of scenarios. He'd go back through everything he had ever done in his and Carla's relationship and somehow convince himself that if he had just done the opposite then none of this mess would have ever happened now. Like if he had just been indifferent, denied he cared then maybe Carla would have had a chance. He was preventing her from happiness, from a fair chance of moving on like her mother seemed to want. But Liam just couldn't help himself could he? He had to stare at her, take her in and think of how the sight of her crushed his very heart; how everything was much too late because he already loved Carla helplessly no matter how much he tried not to, no matter how much he crushed them both.

He could only feel twisted now that he was left in her wake for all the indecisive games he had played with Carla for two years. Liam had pushed her away so many times in the past and God bless her for staying. She stayed because she needed him to know that someone cared for him, that she was worried sick about him. How selfish he had been two years ago, just closing himself off, deliberately trying to punish her it would seem because he simply decided that they were worlds apart and couldn't connect anymore. _Deny you care_…that became his motto with her. It was simply too painful to believe otherwise, that she could love him or that he even deserved to be loved. And after all the unfair things Liam did to her she still longed for him so much, admired him more than life itself. If he could go back to the past, he'd tell not to waste her time, that he'd he only ever let her down.

How frustrating their relationship was. How confusing, when sometimes Liam thought he was capable of giving her the world and at other times he was sure he couldn't give her anything at all. Seeing that car drive away from him with Carla in it took away the ability for either to make the choice of what their future would hold and that was what got to Liam the most lately. He sat in his room now for seemed like days with his curtain shut in complete darkness waiting on an absolution or some perfect little ending that would never come…emptiness was all he had.

"So," says Paul's ghost coming into view. He had been with Liam all these days annoying him and trying to be like some sort of devils advocate, " Spending yet another day in this dark room again, are we?"

"I am," Liam snapped glaring at him, "You however can leave. Feel free to go at anytime and float off to wherever you have to. Go bug somebody else for a change. Lecture Michelle about her idiot fiancé Dean."

"Oh, well aren't you just a ray of sunshine," Paul smirks settling down in the chair across from Liam. His blue eyes were deep and vivid and silently he let Liam know that he wasn't going anywhere, "I quite like it here. I think I'll be staying a while brother."

Liam said nothing. He continued on brooding just glaring at all wall letting thoughts about Sharon Donovan and his freshly resurrected hatred towards her drive his will.

"Okay then," says Paul not taking the hint that Liam's silence meant he wanted him to go away now and leave his mind alone. Paul continued, "If you won't start 'the conversation', why don't I. It's all about a woman isn't it?" he teases practically laughing under Liam's intense daggering eyes, "Isn't it always down to the love of a woman, brother?"

"Glad to see death hasn't changed your annoying attitude," says Liam realizing now that Paul was unlikely leave him as he hadn't done so in days. He reaches across over to his side table grabbing a bottle of whiskey and a waiting glass pouring some out to drown his sorrows. It was the only way he could think of dealing with this whole situation surrounding Carla right now.

"Ignoring my questions still, I see," Paul smirks.

"It's not something I like to talk about," Liam says through gritted teeth before downing his first glass. On to the next one, he thought bitterly how Paul's presence used to be comforting but now it was just grating on him never allowing a moment's peace.

"Funny you should say that," snipes Paul, "But how long do you think you can keep one separate from the other? I mean you refuse to talk to her about me and you won't talk to me about her either. When are you going to realize we are both such big parts of your life…big events that changed things… changed you."

"What do you want me to say, Paul?!"

"Admit that you're not this horrible thing you pretend to be Liam," Paul whispers gesturing towards the whiskey bottle.

"I'm am horrible. I hurt people, things…I don't mean to but I just do. I hurt Carla all the time. Being in her life is hurting her and being out of it hurts her all the same."

"Nonsense Liam. That's utter nonsense."

"How do you know?" Liam snaps, a bitterness catches on his tongue as he wills the tears not to come. He reaches for the bottle again determined not to let Paul break down his walls. The only way he is going to survive this is if he turns the feelings off.

Paul walks over to him now his voice clear cut as he says, "No Liam, you're not going to hurt her and you want to know why?"

Liam gives out half a sigh and laugh incredulous towards Paul's words, "Alright then, why?" he asks willing to humor his brother, " Why won't I hurt Carla again like I always do?"

Slowly Paul reaches out prying the bottle of whiskey from Liam's tightly gripped fingers, "Because no matter how much you think you've lost that part of you that is capable of feeling and no matter how much you believe you'll never get it back, it's still very much apart of you. It's the part you try to keep away from, the part which still loves her and will always love her."

Liam wants to shake his head 'no' and say that Paul has no idea what he is talking about. He has no idea how painful it was flip flop between feelings every two seconds, to be so sure of something one minute only to be so doubtful the next. This was the struggle he faced everyday with Carla along with the mocking of time. The timing was always off for them and sometimes Liam felt it was the universes way of saying they were not to be and should just accept it and move on. And yet it was loop because he couldn't accept it no matter how much he tried or even if he ran for another two years. The fact remained that Carla would always pull him back in like an invisible string, inch by inch until he was at her mercy and couldn't say no. "No, you're wrong!" Liam shouts defensively. He didn't want to hear any of this. He just wanted to throw things, to lose himself in the anger of everything.

"Then why won't you let her go? After all these years, " Paul's voice drawls, "Why don't you just cut the chord…walk away. It would so easy, wouldn't it? So why not do it Liam?"

"I don't know!" Liam says frustrated.

"Yes you do. But play the fool; I'll tell you why. It's because you torture yourself with all these possible answers never bothering to look at the questions. I know what you thought, I know the nature of your darkest and deepest fears while you were away for those two years. You thought suicide was the answer…but what then was the question? What was it Liam, why didn't you do it then; why didn't you end your life?"

He couldn't breathe again. Paul didn't understand how horrible he felt for surviving the car crash. How everyday he saw more and more in himself a hatred that he just wanted to disappear. Everyday he wanted to just give in and end it, but he couldn't when he thought about her and the possibility that things could change. Liam hated himself for feeling pain. He hated that he couldn't end it for himself, "I want to not want her anymore," he whispers because that's all he can manage in describing his daily struggle.

"You've had ample time to do it; so many different opportunities Liam. You could've lost yourself at sea on that sailboat, jumped off a building…just disappeared. Mother and father couldn't stop you so far away. But you didn't, you didn't because no matter how much you claim to hate this world and your place in it; you know you can't leave her. It's even more torture because if by some chance tomorrow you were to die, then she'd definitely be someone else's lady."

"What am I supposed to do?!"

"Stop asking 'why?' when it comes to love. I'm dead, Liam. D-E-A-D. You resent me because you love her and torment yourself because you love me still in spite of the anger you feel for me leaving you so soon. And you think I keep you from her everyday, more and more from the things you want. And you think, that she keeps you from me too. But life and death are so very close Liam, too close for comfort sometimes**. You need to stop being so afraid to live in the present. Stop being so apprehensive about the future, or else you'll find yourself not living in either time or space. Then you'll be trapped, living as though you're never going to die and then dying realizing you never really lived.** Stop the questions. Stop the answers. Just live. Just love. Love Carla and let her love you back."

Liam said nothing. He couldn't have because his head snapped back and he realized that he had dozed off and this all must have been dreaming. The room was still the same, the whiskey still clutched in his hand with the blinds shut tight. He could have easily brushed it all off and gone back into his depression. But Paul's voice spoke to him with a clearness that reminded him of that saying: **Some people hear their own inner voices with great clearness and they live by what they hear. Such people become crazy, or they become legends. **

_Love Carla and let her love you back…._

It was clear what he had to do now. Paul was his inner voice, apart of him now in death. Liam could either let the depression completely devour him once and for all, destroy his love for Carla and in turn destroy them both. Or he could follow the good influences, the part of his conscious, which tells him he could be happy with Carla. Stop listening to and seeking answers from that monster and instead listen to Paul. Paul could drive him in the direction of being positive. Carla and him; they could have a defining moment where everything changed for the better, a strong love; something for the ages…a legendary status

Whatever it takes from now on he was going to fight, not let Sharon defeat his chances or his will so easily. With Paul on his side, whispering words of encouragement; Liam would keep it together and he'd find Carla again. There were only so many places she could be and with asking around someone was sure to spill the beans. And when he finally found her again, Liam would love her and maybe he'd be strong enough to shed all his guilt and truly let her love him back.

**The first bolded part in this section in Liam's conversation with Paul is a variation of a quote from the Dalai Lama so I thought I better reference it: **_**"**__**(When asked what surprised him the most about humanity, answered) "Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived**__**"**_

**The seconded bolded part is a quote from the movie 'Legend's of The Fall'.**


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: This Chapter is rated M Many sensitive topics are ahead in this chapter. Topics of suicide, drug use,and psychopathic tendencies will be covered. If any of these things are troublesome to you I encourage you to not read ahead. Also I would just like to add that the views and mindset of these characters do not reflect my own and are solely for characterization and story development. **

**As always a big thank you for reading.**

Carla's eyes peered through the door crack of her bedroom peaking out into the hallway she observed her fiancé and doctor in deep conversation. They were whispering and Carla really had to concentrate hard to hear the details of their hushed discussion.

"…And you're certain she's better now? She won't try anything like this again?"

"Now, I am a bit confused as to what you think may have happened with your fiancée Mr. Gordon. I will repeat as I have many times in the past that this whole ordeal was just an accident. In fact I give you my word as such; it was all a horrible, horrible unfortunate accident."

"I'm not sure I believe that Doctor Foster—" says Tony trying to assert himself without raising his voice.

"Now, now my man; lets not be ridiculous. Edward Donovan gave you his word that this was a just misunderstanding. If the lines of communication and trust are already being tested between you two, are you sure marriage between his daughter and you is still a suitable option?"

"Of course it is!" says Tony losing his cool, "I love her! How could you even question that?"

"Then," says Doctor Foster taking Tony roughly by the arm and steering him in the direction of his pleasing, "There will be no more of this…questioning. Carla was ill and now she is better and that's all you need be concerned about."

"I don't—"

"Listen," says the doctor's voice getting so cool and chilly it sent shivers down Carla's spine, "You'd do yourself good to drop this! I don't want to say it again, so don't test me Mr. Gordon." The tone was very surprising. She was so caught up in the hushed nature of the whole exchange she had no time to duck and hide as the Doctor's eyes slowly reared over in her direction. His smirk indicated that he had sensed her watching them whole time.

Carla gasped, his stare was so unsettling and intense almost sinister that he looked like a monster in that moment. She was so fluster she turned her back rushing from the door crack to her bed. She had been in this room for what seemed like years but really it had been two months. There was no time in racking her brain for details of what exactly had happened. The story seemed to change depending on who she asked and since Carla sort blocked the incident out of her memory she had no way of telling which version of events was more truthful than the rest.

Pulling up the covers to her chin she counts down from ten trying to get her beating heart settled. The doctor had been here for a full two months treating her for all her ailments….

"_You seem to have quite the preoccupation with death; more so then is necessary or normal for a girl your age, don't you think Miss Donovan?"_

"_You've never been a girl my age Doctor Foster. So what would you know?"_

"_I wonder what's in that little head of yours," he whispers cupping her chin in his fingers, "Whatever it is, I will say this; you're not even old enough to realize just how bad life can get."_

"_You don't anything about my life."_

"_Trust me, I think I know more than you," he can't help but smirk even at the most inappropriate of moments, "Did you know that this estate is to be your wedding gift?"_

_She didn't know this. No one ever seemed to tell Carla anything. And they wondered why she wanted out? Her response was nothing because she was already shutting down again. There was no escaping this, no sequence of events could deter this unwanted marriage…._

"Carla," croons the voice of her mother Sharon bringing her back into the present. Her mother marches into the room followed by their housekeeper Anne who promptly goes to open the window blinds, "You haven't even risen yet? Oh for goodness sake the guests will be here in a hours time!"

"What are you talking about?" Carla asks still very much in a blank state because of all the medicine she had been given, "What am I to get ready for now?"

"Oh please tell me you're not being serious? What else; Madame Emmanuelle Gordon is coming in tonight. She has some very important news to announce."

"What sort of news?"

"I don't know," says Carla's mother almost too quickly.

"Yes you do," Carla says curtly. Her mother was a horrible liar.

Sharon Donovan look livid if not annoyed at her daughter's sharpness, "Look we are very lucky that she has been so understanding of your plight and sickness as of late. Both her and her husband have been so accommodating when it comes to trying to be flexible with this arrangement—"

"—oh you mean bribing you with estates and such," says Carla surprised at the amount of fight in her today. She had barely spoken much at all in the past two months, "She has been quite generous in gifting you with expensive presents. No wonder you want the marriage to go along undisturbed."

"It's been a very long engagement!" snaps Sharon trying her best to keep her tone at a respectable level before sighing and changing the subject. She reaches for Carla's wrists, "Oh I wish we could do something to cover up those scars!"

Carla glanced down at her wrists examining the scars for herself…

_She glanced into the bathroom feeling somehow strange at being back in this room. Like it held something she should remember but was desperately trying to keep out and forget, "This is where it happened, then?" she glances back at the Doctor, "This is where the accident happened?"_

"_Yes. Robert found you and it's a good thing he did. I don't how you managed to fall into a shard of glass, but accidents happen like that to the best of us. Nothing to be ashamed of."_

"_I don't remember breaking any glass," Carla says holding his stare. What is he hiding, she knows that he is lying but all the medication makes her mind a jumble. She can only remember bits and pieces of that day, but mostly she just remembers staring in the mirror and crying._

"_Yes," he says turning away from her quickly and setting down his medical bag to retrieve his instruments."_

"_What aren't you telling me doctor?" Carla whispers. The room made her so uncomfortable, looking into that bathroom made her feel so soulless and helpless. The energy just wasn't right._

"_I don't know what I should have if anything to hid from you—"_

"_I just don't remember breaking any glass or any mirrors for that matter."_

"_Yes," he again turning around his brown eyes were sparkling, "Well that's because __**memory is a complicated thing, a relative to truth, but not it's twin**__…"_

"At least they are not as bad as they could have been," says Sharon Donovan again bringing Carla from her trance and pulling out her handkerchief. She was being uncharacteristically gentle and motherly cleaning away at Carla's face with it, "We'll have to take a look at the other one on your abdomen later."

"I saw the doctor whispering with Tony earlier," Carla remarks trying to change the subject so she doesn't have to focus on the uncomfortable nature of everything else in this environment, "Why does Tony question my accident?" It was a loaded question intent on uncovering two things; first the nature of the accident itself and secondly why everyone thought it was something to truly hide if it was indeed an accident.

"Whatever do you mean darling?" Sharon Donovan ups the antics of concern. To Carla her mother's deflection was so transparent.

"I saw the doctor warning Tony not question fathers version of events—"

"Hold on now," says Sharon holding her hand up to silence Carla, "There are no _versions _as you say to these events. There is only one and it's the truth. If Tony does not wish to believe your father that is for them to discuss," claiming down a bit she adds, "Anyways I'm glad to see you in such spirits. It has been a hard two months on you. You don't deserve this pain. You only deserve to be happy. Anne," she says inquiring over her shoulder at the housekeeper, "Where's the box?"

Anne who had been going about the room tidying up until then marches over carrying a big box lightly placing it down on Carla's bed between mother and daughter.

"Anne you can take off the top as well," says Sharon too lazy and entitled to do anything herself.

Carla watched as Anne quickly takes the top off revealing a beautiful dress. It was of gold trim and beautifully embrodied. She was at a loss for words. Slowly she reached out to touch it appreciating its delicate soft material slipping through her fingers

"Beautiful isn't it?" says her mother taking the words out Carla's mouth, "The latest fashion for party gowns apparently. All of London is a buzz with this style. And it would look so lovely your skin tone and eyes."

"Thank you mother," Carla says weakly amazed at how moderately well her and her mother were carrying on a conversation.

"Don't thank me," says Sharon, "Thank Tony when you see him tonight. He wanted you to have something special to wear for tonight's dinner."

The mention of Tony and damned marriage always seemed to damping things. Again Carla felt a frustration overcome her, a dark cloud slowly descending at the mention of the things she was being forced to do. But she would not even bother wasting her time protesting. The medicine still made her weak and drowsy. She didn't have enough energy to scream her lungs out.

"Anne," says Sharon now rising from the bed and snapping her fingers, "Do help Carla get ready. Madame Gordon shall be here within the hour and she ought to be waiting with Tony and the rest of the family to receive her. Also the doctor is leaving tonight back to the city and his practice and I promised him a well cooked meal for all his troubles. More reason to not delay Carla getting ready."

"Of course Mrs. Donovan. Come Carla."

The scars on Anne's wrists were impossible to ignore. Carla didn't remember seeing them before in the past and now she couldn't take her eyes off of them as Anne helped her into her dress for the evening. They stood in front of full-length mirror as Anne worked away tirelessly altering at the straps of her dress. They were a bit big so she pinning each side back a little to reduce the space.

"One day soon all of this will be yours," says Anne referring to the whole house as Carla stood in silence, "It must be so exciting for you! Finally everything your mother wanted will be just so."

"I had no idea it was wedding present until the Doctor told me so," says Carla, "Strange that Tony's parents should move my whole family in."

"Oh well that's only temporary and besides you'll have many houses. Tony Gordon's parents own so many. But this one is your special home and as soon as your married your parents and Robert will return back to there's. The Gordon's only wanted to do what was necessary to make you happy since your health has been so bad. The grounds are perfect for fresh air, which the doctor says you need—"

"—Where are those scars from on your wrists?" Carla blurts out interrupting the housekeepers rambling. It was rude and forward but she couldn't help be so curious. Anne looked taking a back, hurt even, that she regretted not holding her tongue, "I'm sorry. It's none of my business."

"No," Anne says letting out a deep sigh her whole demeanor changed completely, "No it's okay. Everybody notices anyways…you're the only one who cares to ask. It was an act of violence done to me," her voice quivers.

"By whom?" Carla asks sympathetically now turning away from the mirror to face the housekeeper, "Who would do such a thing?"

"Violent men… I did something wrong and my husband punished me for it. But I shouldn't have said anything and I won't say anymore. It's hard to say a bad word against the ones you love and not feel like you've done something wrong. You know first hand things of this nature." As soon as said that, Anne's was a face of regret.

"What do you mean?" Carla says confused. What would she know first hand about things of that nature? A man had physically harmed her like that.

'Nothing," Anne says desperately trying to change the subject. She steers Carla back around and attempts to seem completely taken in by fixing Carla's dress. But Carla slaps her hands away determined to get to the bottom of this.

"No, what do you mean? What do you mean really when you say I would know such things first hand?"

"Liam," she whispers and it sends chills through out Carla's body.

"What do you mean _Liam_?" she says slowly watching as Anne struggles to choose the right words.

"I just mean…look I shouldn't even be saying anything. You're mother and father wish for you to forget the whole thing. It was much too painful the state they found you in. What's important is that you know it was an accident and I'm sure he meant nothing by it."

"What are you talking of?" Carla says getting more and more confused.

Anne quickly grabbed Carla's wrists, "Liam…he did this to you," she says her eyes indicating the scars on her wrists and gesturing to her abdomen.

"No," Carla whispers she could not believe it and she would not believe it. She yanks her hands from Anne's grip glaring at her. The blood pumping in her heart is thunderous, "Liam wouldn't touch me!"

"I'm afraid he did though, Miss Donovan. He just couldn't let you go, couldn't accept the choices you have made. I gave him the letter as you instructed and he was beyond reproach! Just mad that Sharon dared to parent you. Next thing I knew he was following us all here! You trusted him…let him in. It was a big mistake…smashed glass everywhere and a knife on the floor," Anne starts to cry, "He fled just as Robert found you and bless your mother's soul she forgave it all because she feels so bad about Paul."

"You're lying!" says Carla on the verge of tears, "Liam would never hurt me."

"Of course he didn't mean to my girl. But he did, he did and that makes all the difference! You know this isn't even the first time."

"I don't remember this! I would remember this!"

"The medication...it makes you so drowsy and things slip your mind about that day. But I know you remember the first time he attacked you."

Carla felt like she was going to be sick. She couldn't stand anymore not as images flashed before her eyes. She's sick because she does remember the first time. She had remembered it vividly for two years…

"_Liam," she says looking up fearfully into his vivid blue eyes. They look to be a creature of there own. He is simply not present and she is scared what he could do to her in such a state. He had completely taken her by surprise, "Liam…it's Carla," she struggles as his hand remains clamped around her neck like she is some monster, "It's Carla…"_

"That was over two years ago," she says feebly, "Paul had just died. He wasn't himself. That's why he went away…so that he wouldn't hurt me."

"I know," says Anne, "I know, hush now. I'm sorry to have upset you. I should have kept my mouth shut. The doctor told me not to reveal such things to you in this fragile state."

"I'm fine," says Carla struggling to keep the lump in her throat from exploding. But she can't keep it out, anything at all. She just wanted to scream...

"_What do you mean you know more about my life than I do?" she glares at Doctor Foster._

"_I already told you, it's the wedding gift of this house. Now will that be all Miss Donovan?" says Doctor Foster once again packing away his instruments._

_She doesn't have a question really only more a remark, a remark as to how she is feeling. Somehow Carla thinks he is the only one who will understand just how helpless she feels. After all he had kept her secret never saying a word to her parents "I know you have judged me ever since I took the medicine that first time and tired to harm myself. I was just in state but I'm all better now—"_

"_Is that so?" the doctor asks raising an eyebrow at her freshly re-bandaged wrists, "Much better?"_

"_They all think 'poor little Carla' as if I'm a child and don't know what's going on. They try to trick me into doing things or even worse trapped me so I don't have a choice. But I know what's going on, I know my mother lied about us going to visit grandmother," Carla was fidgeting now under his intense gaze. The doctor seemed to not know what to make of her as she spewed out her thoughts like word vomit, perhaps because she was so desperate and he realized her reliance on him to get back to Liam, "Mother keeps on saying it's so simple to love. But I don't love him. I love Liam and Liam hasn't even come for me," she grabs his hands now in a daze so overwhelmed and restless, "Why hasn't Liam come for me? Why can't he just tell me he's not in love with me anymore?"_

"_You don't think he loves you anymore?" the doctors interest is now peaked, "Liam doesn't love you anymore, is that what you're saying?"_

"_He didn't even notice me at my engagement gala," Carla cries, "Not until I made him! How could he love me anyways…I'm a horrible person I hate his brother Paul."_

"_How can you hate him? I don't understand Carla; I thought he was dead."_

"_He's dead and so hate him for it. I hate him cause he took Liam from me! Now Liam can't even love me without feeling guilty!"_

"_It's only natural to have some misplaced grief—"_

"_There is nothing normal about it. There is nothing normal about me."_

"_Stop," says the Doctor, "That's enough. This is madness."_

"_Exactly," says Carla feeling foreboding thoughts of doom, "I am mad," she grips his hands even tighter, "Which is why you must cure me. You have to cure me of these horrible thoughts…you're the only one I can trust; you kept my secret the first time around."_

"_There is nothing to cure but your general illness, your intestines and such. The scars are healing—"_

"_Please," says Carla practically begging him. She never thought she be begging him of all people in a million years to help her but her Carla was doing just that._

_The doctor sighs again his expression conveys that he does not know what to make of her, that she was some perplexing mystery, "Fine," Doctor Foster says, "You want help? Anything at all?"_

"_Anything. I just don't want to feel this pain anymore or think these thoughts."_

"_I have just the thing..."_

There was a knock at the door and immediately Carla snaps out of her thoughts. Anne rushes to door letting Doctor Foster in, "Sir."

"Leave us Anne, if you please."

"Of course sir," the housekeeper says glancing back at the pitiful state of Carla regrettably one last time before bowing out and exiting.

Carla shares a long stare with the man she had so long detested before rushing over to her dresser and collapsing into a waiting chair. She was on edge, ready to have break down over all the horrible things Anne was saying. Now she depended on this doctor more than anyone else in her whole world.

"Why the tears?" says the doctor with barely a note of sympathy in his voice as he closes the door quietly and strides towards her.

Carla felt so weak and ashamed to be behaving like this, such a wreck in front of him regardless of she trusted him a great deal now. She tried to calm herself by practicing the breathing exercises he taught her but gave up in frustration and took to grabbing her hair brush and running through the strains of black hair erratically.

"Stop that," he orders grabbing hold of the brush and stopping he action midway.

"I'm losing my mind…Liam…she said some horrible things about Liam. I don't remember him doing the things she said!"

"There's no use in crying. It's not going to help, now is it?" Doctor Foster sets the brush down on the dresser, "Remember what we talked about last time, don't you?"

Carla remembered but saying such things would be admitting that Liam had in fact done something wrong to her and had caused these injuries on her wrists.

"You remember don't you?" the doctor repeats with great authority and slowly lifts her chin up with his thumb making stern eye contact. The amount of control he exercised over her was frightening in these moments, "Whatever you think happened in your mind, whatever yesterdays sins, we must all try to pray for God's forgiveness."

"What do I have to forgive?" she says feebly.

"She told you already, didn't she? Liam attacked you Carla and he harmed you in such horrible ways that don't warrant forgiveness and yet your parents forgive and so you must forgive and show how truly sorry you are for going against them in this matter. Liam was never the one for you. You must make your parent's happy by doing the right thing and marrying Tony, yes?" he now nods his head coaching her to do the same.

"I don't remember him following us to his house, nor do I remember him attacking me in the bathroom. It doesn't make sense—"

"That's memories for you," Frank dismisses her, "And what do they always say about memories, Carla? Go on, say it."

"Memory is a complicated thing, a relative to truth, but not it's twin."

"Good girl," the doctor smiles uncharacteristically, "Now, shall we?"

"Yes," says Carla watching as he retrieves a vile from his coat pocket and a needle. She watches him eagerly as he prepares the drug to better calm her down and ease her conflicting feelings.

"Now, how many doses shall I do you for you this evening? How many do you think you'll need to feel more yourself again?"

"Three," says Carla like it's second nature. The doctor has giving her so many doses in the last two months she is virtually dependent on morphine to function. She extends her arm out accepting his dose of morphine. Sometimes she only said as he and her mother wanted in order to receive her next dosage. Because going without it would make her insane, it would make her think about Liam. And it was obvious her parents would not let her have him ever. So in her induced hazes she simply pretended he did not exist, none of this existed not her scars or her pain.

"All better," he whispers in her ear. Carla was on a high, she felt so much better. The pain of everything was so much easier to cope with. She turned her body again to face the mirror in a daze looking at her reflection as the Doctor goes down on his knees so he is at her level. He touched her long strains of hair as he so often did in these strange secretive moments, "Now, what are you going to do for me this evening? What are you going to do for your mother?"

"I'm going to try my best to behave," Carla murmurs.

"And who gave you those scars?" he says nodding his head in the direction of her wrists.

"I don't know. It was an accident."

"Carla, who gave you those scars?"

"I don't remember but Anne says it was Liam."

"It was Liam and that's the truth. You didn't remember it because you asked me to help you with the pain and the madness. That's why I kept it a secret before but now I have no reason to as the morphine helps with the hurt. So tell me again, who gave you those scars?"

"Liam," Carla utters feeling so strange for saying it. But she was under the doctors spell and strange influence.

"And who loves you the most? Who gave you that beautiful dress you're wearing this evening?"

"Tony."

"And Tony would never hurt you, would he? How will you show your gratitude to him and to your parents tonight."

"I'll behave."

"Not just that," the doctor says coaching her, "What else?"

"I'll marry him. I'll marry Tony Gordon."

" Because he loves you more than life itself, right? Good girl," he says rising again his look strangely proud, "I think it's time Anne help you finish getting ready then."

* * *

As Doctor Foster left Carla's room he felt triumph at the easy manipulation of the girl. He could not help but smile at how smoothly this was all going, without a hitch just like had been promised.

"How was she?" says Sharon Donovan pacing and back in forth in the study while they waited on her husband and son to make there appearance before dinner. Tony also wasn't ready yet.

"Fine," Frank said, "As fine as a girl in her position could be. Although I do find it a bit cruel."

I didn't ask you your opinion!" snaps Sharon, "I've sacrificed too much, worked too hard to just let her throw it all away. Tony Gordon's family is the richest of the rich. I will not let that sort of money and postiton pass through my fingers. So if I have to make her believe that Liam did something she did to herself I will. That's the only way she'll stay clear of him! That's the only way she'll make it down the aisle. That boy is no saint and it's high time she stop thinking so!"

"You don't have to explain yourself to me. I already agreed to help you and besides your daughters health is still something for me to attend to."

"I hope you did not give her too much morphine, though. I want her to actually have somewhat of an intelligent conversation with Tony Gordon tonight. I want him to be reminded of why he feel in love with her to begin with."

" Didn't he claim to love her before she even opened her mouth?" Frank smirks amused at Sharon's excessive pacing. Perhaps she could do with some morphine as well.

"It's been two months! Two months since her little dramatic attempt at attention. I see right through it all unlike Edward and Robert. She just wants to run back to Liam. Thank god I could depend on Anne to do her part tonight!"

"I thought we already took care of all that about her running back. Didn't you steal some poem of his...'Maybe someone will remember us in another time'? something like that or the other. I don't worry, I don't think anyone will remember them once your through with ruining and twisting her memories."

"I guess i better thank the morphine for that," says an indecisive Sharon and then in a maniacal fashion adds, "Maybe increase the dosage."

"I think three is fine, more than enough actually," Frank says curtly helping himself to a glass of brandy as well as a cigar.

"You don't know my daughter like I do!" says Sharon throwing herself into a chair almost on the edge of tears, "Her emotions are too powerful when it comes to that boy! I just know that if I don't watch her she will fight against us...resist our version of events. Carla has too much free will."

"So how much do you suggest I give her?! How much before her father starts to see something is amiss when his own daughter can't even sit up straight? The key is subtlety."

"You promised you would do whatever I asked!" Sharon glares at him with her venomous green eyes, ready to kill, "Do not cross me!"

"I promised to do whatever is necessary. There's a difference," And setting his glass down slowly he made his mood be known, "Do not cross me."

"I don't want this engagement prolonged any longer, " says Sharon calming a bit, "It' just been too long. I'm stressed!"

"Understandable," Frank says curtly. He was over this woman, "But you need to exercise a little self control when aiming for the things you want."

If only she knew how much he knew from experience...

_He liked to watch her sleep. Frank wouldn't even say he was particularly in love with her, perhaps just a small attraction. But mostly he was just intrigued by Carla, curious about what lay inside that head. She was a sort of embodiment to him of a certain quote he has always found so appealing_

**_"What a strange illusion it is to suppose that beauty is goodness."_**

_To him she was so beautiful and seemed to have the whole world going for her. it was perplexed as to why she did not wish to live anymore. Why was she so willful in the pursuit of death? It had to be something in her mind; her mind which seemed to be concealed under a perfectly beautiful package, but inside she was anything but good. As much as she seemed determined to die it seemed that Carla also wanted to live. She had an innate will to fight and continue fighting somedays. As a doctor he was drawn in because he wanted to test her limits in a way, her will. He was not human in his thoughts, or at least he thought so. Constantly he wanted to that which she begged for. If she wished to be dead, breathed for it and ached as she had confided in him then would she be able to recognize it signs? Would she be able to recognize the various forms of which death could take?_

_So he gave her some medication he shouldn't have. Frank gave her medication when she wasn't even sick so he could make her sick. And then when she became sick he gave her more to make her even more so. But he always did so in subtle dosages so that he could observe her, her bodies natural responses to an outside predator.. He'd bring her back and forth between periods of health and sickness, just testing her will and waiting on an end result he was unsure of. What a strange illusion she was, that he knew he should feel some warmness towards her but essentially he did not. All of those characteristics were things he mimicked. Frank simply made people believe what they wanted to believe. She wanted to believe he had best interests at heart and in a way Frank could argue that he did. He was giving her the two things she wanted; a very long engagement because who would have a wedding when she always so sick and the second thing was death. She wanted death he reasoned, so why not give a helping hand._

_When he watched her sleep he liked to run his fingers through her long black hair, to graze her cheek with the fingertips of his hand. Never was she aware of his presence, because he was subtle in everything he did. Good things come to those who wait..._

"I just want a wedding," Sharon moans, "And you promised to get me one!"

"Stop worrying so much," says Frank in hushed tone he can hear footsteps and the impending voices of guests soon to join them, "I've never made a promise that I didn't keep. You'll have your wedding Mrs. Donovan. Good things come to those who wait."


	18. Chapter 18

Carla was just sitting at her dresser after being made to that insufferable and suffocating dinner. i It was now time to get ready for bed. In all honesty she was in no mood for sleep but she wasn't in the mood for doing much else either as even breathing seemed like such a chore. Her mother and the doctor scolded her into trying to make an effort all evening so Carla put on her best smile engaging Tony in a few simple conversations. She could only do the bare minimum of what was required since she was highly medicated on morphine and near exhaustion.

Fiddling around with her music box, Carla was in a trance watching the little ballerina figurine spin around as the 'swan lake' theme filled the room. She didn't even pay attention to the housekeeper Anne, who went about the bedroom completing her tasks in the most disruptive of manners.

"Carla we must brush your hair and get ready for bed...you haven't even started yet!"

"Sorry," mumbles Carla retrieving the brush from off the dresser and began to brush it through the strands in a zombie like fashion. Anything to shut Anne up and make her happy because lord knows she would be reporting back to Carla's mother about any worrisome behaviour. Her mind was in other places just thinking about Liam and all the horrible things they had said he did to her. Looking at the scars on her wrist and glancing down at her abdomen, she felt confused. There had to be something seriously wrong with her, Carla thought because all throughout dinner and even right now she was thinking about Liam, hurting her head imagining all the places where he would be. Jealous that he wasn't with her...she felt sick for still feeling so attached to someone who had apparently caused her so much harm. What a constant struggle it was mentally trying to sort out what her feelings should be for Liam Connor. The hollow green eyes which stared back at her in the reflection taking in her gaunt cheek bones only reflected this despair even more. Something just didn't feel right inside of her and it didn't feel right Carla was certain something wasn't true...Liam would never want to cause her such pain. He had promised never to hurt her, he had left for that very reason the first time around.

"Tea Anne," Sharon Donovan announces stepping into the room, "Robert's stomach is upsetting him. He needs something warm inside of him go make some now."

"Yes ma'am."

Sharon shooed the housekeeper from the room clutching a box in had as she approached Carla and gently pulled the comb from her hair. Sharon let out a little sigh as she did so, causing Carla to look at her mothers reflection in the mirror apprehensively waiting to be scolded. But Sharon did not scold her daughter, surprisingly she set the box down on the dresser in front Carla before kissing her on top of the head, "You left this at the supper table."

It was yet another necklace that had been gifted to Carla by Tony in an effort to buy her love, "Oh," was all Carla could muster, "I must have forgotten about it."

"Hmmm," mused Sharon continuing to be affectionate, "No worries," flipping it open just to take a quick look her eyes beamed, "Lovely isn't it? Would you not like to be Lady Antony Gordon?"

Carla said nothing, expressed nothing. Her mother knew the answer but Carla knew better than to put up a fight. However she did she turn away just intime to shield the onset of tears that were coming. No one wants to feel like a baby and let their mother see them cry at her age.

"Now darling," says her mother Sharon quickly coming out from behind Carla at the mirror and spinning her daughters chair around. She knelt down and placed her hands over Carla's, "We said no tears, remember?"

"Yes," Carla managed blinking back the tears.

Sharon smiled back at the necklace musing, "It's so lovely isn't it? It's everything I ever wanted for you darling. Don't you agree it's a true sign of his feelings for you?"

"I suppose," Carla managed blinking at her own reflection in the mirror once again with little expression at all.

"You should try it on," Sharon suggested gleefully ignoring Carla's catatonic state. Her mother had taken to be rather attentive to Carla's every need lately. It was rather suffocating and she never seemed to have a moments peace now that her mother insisted on keeping a close eye on all of Carla's activities. Carla felt like a prisoner under all this pressure. She almost again almost wished they could go back how things had been before the accident. Her mother being so gentle and soft spoken was something rather strange, she was almost too nice and Carla couldn't help but think she wanted something. Sharon was only nice to her children when all attempts at tyranny failed. Carla watched as her mother proceed to take the necklace from the box and drape it around Carla's neck, "You look so elegant."

"It's overwhelming," Carla mumbled. That description wasn't enough to do justice for the amount of anxiety she was feeling in the time present. The weight of the thing was pulling her neck downward, she likened it to something choking her...crippling her, because it wasn't just a necklace. The bloody thing would be a definition of her future, parading around in fancy things while being absolutely miserable on the inside. Tony would only continue to buy her more and more things in an attempt to secure her heart and Carla would have to accept them all if only to keep the peace. But the feelings weren't there and they never would be on her end. Before dinner the doctor and her mother both tried to convince her that she could learn to love Tony, like love is something that could take in a person and everything would fine. Carla too thought she could play the part but as dinner progressed she just knew that something wasn't right and it had to do with her. There was nothing wrong with Tony was nice enough, handsome enough, polite enough and perfect enough. Many girls probably would want for nothing with him. But he wasn't Liam, he wasn't perfect in all the ways Liam was for her and she felt it cruel to be stringing Tony along.

"Overwhelming?" Sharon croons talking to Carla like she is a child, "Overwhelmingly beautiful, you mean."

"Mother I don't want to do it—" Carla blurted out unable to take this any longer

The look in Sharon's eyes changed immediately all the warmth gone and overtaking with the air of impatience, "Where is this change of heart coming from?" she says grabbing Carla by both shoulders and stirring around in the chair, "Hmmm Carla? Before dinner we agreed that this was the right choice."

"It just doesn't feel right," Carla, whispers still drowsy from the effects of morphine.

"Well that's just the icing isn't it?" Sharon clapped her hands together in response shaking her head and closing her eyes. The expression on her face was halfway between crying and laughing, "You children must always make things so difficult for me!" her mother blurted out, "First Robert gives me defiance over going off to Oxford for schooling today…saying some stupidity about attending Harvard instead! Like I am going to just let my baby boy jet off to America and leave this life all behind; when his place is here with the family. And now you, now you want to fight me at every corner when it comes to this engagement," she seemed on the verge of tears and Carla felt strangely guilty once her mother began to then bring up the accident, "I only want the best for you children. I wanted to die when I saw you injured on the bathroom…after the brutality done to you by Liam Connor, I did not wish to breathe any longer!"

"Mother…" Carla attempted to find something to say. She didn't have much of any recollection about the attack yet she was still finding it hard to believe Liam would ever lay a finger on her. Still seeing her mother genuinely distraught put Carla in a strange place where she sort of wanted to believe it, only because she wanted to think her mother was truly capable of such displays of affection. To go her whole life thinking that her mother didn't love her one single bit, it was nice change, as selfish as it seemed to see proof that her mother did. Carla watched as her mother Sharon, kneeled down in front of her, grabbing both of Carla's hands and kissing them, tears shedding from her identical green eyes. It was almost as though her mother had been reduced to humbling begging.

"Your anger is misplaced. All I ever did was try to protect and love you and your brother and yet all you children do is hate me. You hate me for it so unfairly. But you should really be against anyone who isn't us, anyone who is an outsider...those are the people bound to try hurt you and our family. And as Liam has shown our enemies may be those we once foolishly entrusted our own hearts to."

"But you want me to give my heart to Antony," Carla says finally finding her voice, "You wish for me to trust him completely. Why should I trust him completely? And the doctor, he's an outsider and yet you want me to trust him as well."

"Carla," says Sharon her eyes shinning with tears she strokes her daughters cheek, "Oh my sweet darling…you're so young and so naïve about these things."

"What things?" Carla says feebly blushing under her mothers warmth but feeling strange at such a statement. It was so cryptic.

"There are a certain type of people in this world that are inherently bad darling. Now I never wanted to say anything but I had my suspicions early on about that Liam Connor. I always knew there was something not right about him…had that strange glint in his eyes...and the rumors about his brother…people were saying Paul purposely ran the car off the road. It takes a mad sort person to do something like that to family and more so madness like that runs in families."

"Mother—" Carla starts off trying to defend such accusations about Paul's memory. Carla had known him when he was alive and he was not crazy. She felt the old mother seeping through again with such statements. But instead of reacting harshly as she usually did, Carla considered there was a possibility that she couldn't be certain of the facades present in a persons personality. Liam once been overcome with rage that he attacked her. Maybe she was judging things too harshly with her mother.

"Carla listen," Sharon clasped her daughters face in her hands, "I never told you about such vicious rumors as they were all much too horrible to repeat. But everything I did in the past to prevent you from seeing that boy was because such evil behaviour if true could have put you in danger. They may have money, but they are definitely not from the right stock, those Connor's. I do not trust them, but the Gordon's have our family's complete confidence and loyalty. The doctor is on our side as well."

"On our side in what?" Carla asked because none of this was making any sense. The way her mother talked about enemies and protection and choosing sides made it seem like this whole situation between her and Liam was part of something much larger.

"I was not going to say anything," Sharon says taking her hands from Carla's face and retrieving her handkerchief in which to dab away the tears in her own eyes, "Your father wanted me to keep things private from you children."

"What is it?" Carla says a bit worried with the tone in her mother's voice. It seemed serious.

"It's to do with the cousin Tom. He's done something horrible that no young lady should have to hear about. All that matters is that is vicious in nature and discredits your father's very honor. Bless your father for his good heart; he has somehow gotten himself messed up in this horribleness."

"What?" Carla inquired, "What did Tom do?" she knew Tom personally to be carefree and very nice, playful even but never in a way that would put others in danger. The bigger question on Carla's mind was what business her father had with him?

"Oh never you mind," Sharon says brushing it off, "It's just a difficult thing and I must respect your fathers wishes to keep it private for the time being. However I require of you children, both you and your brother Robert to try and make things easier for the family. We can't have all that wishy washy behaviour, the jumping back and forth between commitments and obligations as you have grown accustomed to so getting the way of things. You must try and be good and do the right thing by our family, which means avoiding those who are bad for you and moving forward into a hopeful future."

"I just don't see how if Liam is to be my past why then Tony must be my future?"

"Do you trust your father's judgment? Do you trust that he can make sound decisions in ensuring our family's survival?" When Carla did not say a word she sighed deciding maybe it was best to tell the whole story after all, "The money is gone Carla. We had pack up the town house because of the trouble your father got into with Tom makes it impossible to live in and he can no longer afford the bills."

Carla was completely shocked. This was news to her and she didn't know just how to process it, "What?"

"Gambling…your father played a good game of poker here and there and then Tom managed to swindle your father out of all the family's life savings."

"When?" Carla said shocked. She did not know her father had any gambling addictions at all. It was even stranger to think he'd be playing with people like Tom to begin with. Not only that, but the time line for all of this was a blur and didn't make any sense. How could her father afford to shell out so much on her dress fitting plus the bridesmaid dresses if they had no money. Carla wanted to know when her father lost everything, "How long have we been without any money?"

"Since your first bout of dystnery or cholera or whatever it is Doctor Foster thinks you may be afflicted with," Sharon's voice was shaking yet again, "We didn't have enough money to pay him…he was so understanding and so generous. Which is why the family trusts him so, he asks nothing in return for his services…only that you be in good health. And your health has been so up and down! I've been trying to keep it together...Stella keeps on going on about polo matches and tea time...I can't even go...can't bear to let my friends see my like this. I've been trying to show your father the upmost support."

"I'm sorry mother," Carla whispered, "I didn't know all that father and you were going through." She felt so guilty for being wrapped up in her own world and own little problems with Liam, thinking she was carrying some burden when her mother had been carrying an even bigger one in trying to keeping it all together.

"He spent the last of the money on preparation for the wedding…it's an investment Carla, as much as it is a love match. We can't afford to lose our standing. Your grandmother has lent us what little she could and your father works hard, but it's not enough."

It was all coming together now. This is why it was so important that she marry Tony. His money would benefit the family and save her fathers name. The Gordon's would be the Donovan's saviours in helping her fathers gambling debts disappear, all the money, which had been apparently lost to the Connor family's coffers. So now Liam was not only a person who had violently attacked her but his family whole family had slighted the Donovan's when the Cousin Tom swindled away there money. It would seem impossible if not inappropriate for Carla to want Liam now, after all of this it wouldn't be right. Carla thought bitterly how he chose his family and Liam his family her in the past anyways and probably wouldn't blink twice if told to do so again. Still there had to be an alternative solution than marrying Antony.

"Maybe I could get a job…Robert could get one too. I could talk to Tom—"

"Don't be ridiculous," snapped her mother, "We will never speak another word to that family, not anyone of them ever again! And no needs to know this sort of business…money is not a polite topic to address anyone in public over. And you working? The women of this family do not scrape by like a bunch of peasants! I would not dream of it and Robert is a gentleman. The next natural step in his life path is to attend Oxford and get his higher education. I will not have it any other way. Which is why the family is depending on you. Robert deserves to live what's left of his youth out in complete bliss. He doesn't need to know anything to do with money has changed."

"But it's so unfair," Carla begins to cry again. The morphine was not blocking the pain anymore, "Everything is just unfair." Why should the burden be place solely on her shoulders? She was not the one who had racked up all those debts, why should she have to solve her fathers mess? Carla felt resentment, something she never felt towards the father she adoredo s much more than her mother.

"Life is never fair Carla," now again also cries Sharon, "But you're a woman and you don't have many choices, us women never do. We can only get by on the gifts God has given us in order to maneuver out of these unpleasant situations. It's a man's world out there and we don't have the same tools they do. We must rely on feminine charms to save us. It isn't always nice or something to be proud of, but we have to make do with such little options, So now you understand why you must marry Tony Gordon." Sharon nodded her head trying to coach Carla to do the same.

"I wish there was another way…"

"There are no other options left to us. As the child it is your duty to do what is right by the whole family."

"I wish it didn't have to be this way though…I don't love him," Carla wanted to resist nodding her head in agreement. She wanted to point out it should be the parent's duty to do what was right by their children but she knew it was no use. If she said no, the life they had would change drastically. Her brothers chances at proper future would be in danger and she could not do that to Robert as she adored her little brother so much. Carla began to cry harder and her mother joined her in those tears, crying a great deal herself at the whole predicament.

Wrapping her arms around Carla and kissing her daughter on the forehead, Sharon Donovan whispered, "It's going to be okay. These things are never easy but all women have to endure it and it just takes time. And as time goes on it will easier for you... smile even if you don't mean it...one day you'll smile so much it won't hurt anymore. You'll learn to be content because the greatest joy you can have is to give Tony lots of happy and healthy babies. It will be difficult…but you will always be loving and devoted to your children," Sharon broke the hug briefly looking into Carla's eyes, "Look at me darling and listen closely."

"Yes mother?"

"Everything I have done in this world has been for the sake of you and Robert. My devotion to your father is not nearly strong as the love I have for you both. I am devoted to the family unit because of the church and the family must stay together for you children to have complete happiness. One day you will see that we all have to do unpleasant things yourself. At the end it doesn't matter so long as you focus on your children. Do you understand me Carla? Love no one but your children."

Carla thought she might understand what her mother was saying. She was clearly showing Carla love now and perhaps the love and caring had always there, just not so evident before. The nature of things her mother probably had to endure, it sort of broke Carla's heart because her mother had almost ruined her relationship with them completely. With Carla, by pushing this wedding non-stop and managed to promote it for so long all the while never revealing Carla's fathers bigger role. That was pretty selfless thing to do, letting your children love one parent completely while taking all the abuse when he was the one inducing the social climbing and doing most things. For this reason and for the time Carla thought she might actually admire her mother. She was about to express all of this when there was a gentle knock at the door.

"Ma'am," says Anne stepping inside, "Mrs. Donovan…sorry for interrupting," her eyes scanned over the intimate interaction between mother and daughter.

"It's alright Anne," says Sharon wiping her eyes and rising up, "What is it?"

"Visitor…I think for the doctor but he isn't around to receive him."

" At this hour? Also I thought the doctor was leaving for London tonight?" Sharon says walking towards Anne, "Why is anyone outside of my family calling upon here. No one is supposed to know where we are—" she looked back at Carla as she said the last part giving a faint but warm smile as she turned back to Anne, "It's bad enough that Liam found us, we don't need the rest of that family with vendetta against Edward showing up to do something horrible."

"Yes ma'am, he's an employee Mrs. Donovan. Perhaps you should speak to him yourself—"

Yes of course, I am coming. You don't need me for anything else, do you darling?" Sharon asked Carla.

Carla wasn't feeling as anxious anymore but couldn't say she necessarily felt better or good enough to be left alone now that she knew all of the details behind her mothers anger with Liam. But she have to deal with it on her own sooner or later as she had no choice in the matter, she had to marry Tony Gordon to save her father from drowning in gambling debts.

Returning her mothers smile with a weak one of her own Carla whispered, "I'll be fine. You can go on... attend to the guest."

"Alright then. Goodnight my own darling," again her mother was uncharacteristically affectionate going as far as to kiss Carla goodnight before exiting the room.

Carla was left to sit and ponder all this information and strange news before finally she snapped out of it and because the curiosity of voices coming from downstairs and wanting to know just who it was that came to call them; Carla crept towards the door opening the door quietly and walking out into the hallway near the banister but keeping in the shadows as she looked down at her mother exchanging words with a young man who at the moment was still rudely wearing his hat.

"Is the doctor here?" the man said boldly tugging his hat off and shaking his head of thick brown hair. Carla peered in the shadows only seeing the top of him, yet to see a full view of his face.

"Yes," says her mother rather coolly, "But he will not be receiving at this hour nor will I. He's asleep, is there a message?"

"No," the man replies with an air of smugness and commanding respect, "At least not one that you'd benefit from in any case."

Carla was caught off guard as the man slowly raised his head up to the second level guessing he was being watched. His eyes fell on her immediately exerting an air of complete confidence. Carla knew who it was right away and she shocked that he would have any association with her family. It was Dean, Michelle's Dean and because Carla sort felt uneasy about the Connor's now, unsure of there true character she was scared. His association with them, which would once have been a non-issue made her very frightened. Was this some ploy by Tom to intimidate her father? She did not blame her mother for acting cold as Carla herself felt chilled enough to jump and let out a tiny gasp as he continue staring up smirking, inclining his head in faint recognition before turing attention back to her mother below. Carla's heart was beating loudly has she pressed up against the wall and remained in the shadows

"Well then, if that's all…"

"That is all," Dean states slowly moving away. He takes one last look up, his handsome features rather cocky as he scans Carla once more, smirking as his eyes roam up and down finding humor in the effect he had on her, "I shall be back in the morning time. The doctor should be expecting me then," doing a slightly patronizing bow and extending out his arms holding his hat in one hand, " Until tomorrow...Mrs. Donovan."

"Tomorrow," says her mother turning away in a huff and allowing for a servant to show him out. Immediately she beckoned Anne over whispering in a heated but hushed tone, "What the hell is the doctor playing at? I did not want **_him_** coming here. He's engaged to Liam's sister now! That puts my daughter and my plans in a compromising situation—"

"—It will be alright Mrs. Donovan."

"Oh how do you know?" snaps Carla's mother, "You're just the bloody housekeeper! What if he goes on running back to tell Liam where Carla is at? We can't have that now can we? You better keep an eye on that doctor; he's always trying to play tricks on me...sneaky man...hell if I know what the heck he wants out of all of this! I want a detailed report of what Foster is up to, all his activities throughout the day. Start first thing tomorrow—I think I am going to have to move the wedding up again because seems much too far off again and I am not willing to take any chances. Call the planner first thing, then call we shall convince Tony's mother...also the bloody dress shop!"

"Yes ma'am," says Anne dutifully.

Carla sunk down against the wall in the hallway just marveling in how she should have trusted her initial instincts. She knew something hadn't been right before because the story was so fuzzy. But if she recalled correctly both the Doctor and her mother insisted that Liam came here to this estate himself and violently attacked her, he had to know where she was staying to do so. Yet her mother just expressed concern over Liam discovering her here, talking as though he had no clue where Carla was. Carla didn't know what to believe; because the exchange earlier between mother and daughter had come off as so genuine and caring she would wish her own mother to be lying. Perhaps she wasn't lying, perhaps she was only telling half-truths. Carla didn't know, but was tired now and drowsy once more from morphine. She'd have to sleep on the exchange and see if things made any more sense in the morning. Her eyes bore into the cuts on her wrists as she slid into bed and the more she thought about it, the more it didn't anymore sense than when she heard the story the first time around. Why would they let Liam go home so willingly if he had managed to come all this way an attack her. If the cousin Tom truly had slighted the family, wouldn't her father be bent on making Liam pay? Wouldn't this be leverage? Yet the housekeeper Anne claimed earlier that her mother felt sorry for Liam and because of christian virtues let him go. And apparently from that brief exchange her mother did not trust the doctor as much as he liked to let was making any sense. Carla decided she had to see Liam and soon, to get answers from him herself. And who better to arrange a meeting than Michelle's fiance Dean.


End file.
